A Very Merry Un-Birthday?

Good Morning Humble Readers...

So, today is my un-birthday, or rather my half birthday.  Not that I really want to celebrate being 35 and a 1/2... when and how did that happen?

But, I think I may have been given a present... (yes, I only managed to wait until 10dpo.  I confess, I'm weak)

It's probably an evap line... I would even say that I'm probably imagining it, except that my Beloved saw it too.  What do you all think? 

Gratuitous, Self-Indulgent Dreck

Good evening... er, morning Humble Readers.

My sleep schedule is all out of whack right now, thus you are getting a middle of the night post. 

First up, because I'm sure you are dying to know... inventory last night went well.  Surprisingly so.  I don't wish to malign the particular inventory company whose services we utilize, but in all my previous experiences with them, their staff haven't been the brightest crayons in the box.  However, last night, I was pleasantly surprised.  The majority of them were efficient, filled with common sense, and altogether pleasant.  They were so good, that we actually had all the basic counting, verifications, and required audits done by midnight!  Amazing!  Normally, it's 4 or 5 am before the counters leave the store.

Second, a cycle update.  8... er, 9dpo now.  I made it through the morning (when I'm home alone) without caving to the taunting of the pee sticks.  I was going to assemble the shelving unit we bought at IKEA last weekend, but as I mentioned above, my sleep schedule is wacky right now so I ended up dozing most of the morning.  Phantom symptoms are more pronounced today (aka - the b00bs are KILLING ME!!).  The last two days I have had this odd sort of hot flash thing going on in the late evenings.  Not enough to register on my thermometer (yes I checked), but enough to make my face flush and make me feel uncomfortable.  Mild nausea, with a few moments of true gagginess.  The thing that's kind of got me a bit concerned is that I'm feeling kind of crampy tonight.  I know it could potentially be a good thing, but with AF showing her ugly face so early last cycle, I'm a bit freaked out.  Here's hoping that being back on the vitamin b is doing the trick. 

I know I'm over analyzing every little thing, and Sunday morning has the potential to be a real bitch.  But I'm still feeling that seed of hope.  I just hope it gets a chance to germinate. 

Here's hoping that my lack of interest in chocolate today is a good sign, too.

Infertile Math

Good Evening Humble Readers...

So, infertile math...

it's kind of like girl math...

You know... where you can have an extra helping of dessert because you had a salad for dinner? Or because you saved big time on that super cute handbag/pair of shoes/sweater, you can justify the purchase of those adorable earrings.

Infertile math... if I O'd on this date, then the earliest I could expect AF is that date. And if my temps don't start to drop by 12dpo, then I'll let my self start to hope. If my phantom symptoms are an 8 or higher on the intensity scale, then I'll let myself think about testing.

So, with that in mind...

If I'm correct, and I did O on CD14, then AF should be here by Sunday. But, if by some suspension of reality, and if Fertility Friend is correct that I O'd on CD17 (never o'd that late in the two years I've been charting), then I'm really only 9dpo today, and AF won't be here until Wednesday.

Confused yet? I know that I am, but I'm dyslexic so that might explain it.

I am going to hold on to hope. Maybe this morning's bfn was accurate. Maybe it wasn't. I know it's not truly over until AF shows her ugly face.

I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but my b00bs are really killing me. The cramps I had this morning twinged themselves out without really developing into anything at all. No spotting and the little bit of a lower backache I had this morning faded before I even left for work. I have been hungrier than normal, but as soon as I start to eat I feel very full and can't bring myself to eat much.

But... (everyone join in on the chorus now!)

I know it's probably all in my head.

Simple Words

Good Evening Humble Readers...

I don't have a lot to post about today, so here is a list of simple words that describe my day...

Migraine

Nausea

Tired

Wasted Day

Cold

Lazy

Unproductive

PMS?

Tomorrow will be better, hopefully.

The Two Week Wait

Good Evening Humble Readers...

It's that time again.

The two week wait.

Stretched out ahead of me like the Canadian prairie in the middle of winter. (it's not even a full two weeks. My lp is only 13 days usually, and today was 1dpo) Just going on forever, and rather bleak.

I know that this tww should not be any more challenging than any other, but I'm feeling very apprehensive. It was in November last year that we conceived Olivia, and I can't help but feel that crazy mix of hope for a sticky bfp (third time's the charm, right?) and dreading that even if we are pregnant at the end of this month, we won't be by the new year.

That fear is there every cycle, but it's just so much more in my face this month. It's like the shadow that is always there on the edge of my line of sight is twice it's normal size and flexing it's muscles.

Thank heaven it's a busy time at work. For at least eight hours a day I will have something to distract me.

Going Crazy... Wanna Come Along?

Good Morning Humble Readers...

I apologize for my lack of being around. I've been feeling rather ooky lately and honestly I've been distracted.

Now you may be wondering what could distract me from sharing a fraction of the 1200 or so pictures we took in NYC.

First up, my Beloved brought a cold back with him from New York. He's been snarfly and coughing for the last week. I have been determined not to catch his 'crud'.

Second... getting caught up at work has been more daunting than I expected. That's what I get for taking vacation just before the big gear up for the holiday season. Combine that with the fact that the weather has turned and the blustery autumn wind and rain have been driving customers in in droves. We had our busiest day since before April on the weekend.

Third... I am now officially 'late'. I'm never late. If anything, the witch would show up early. I know it's only by one day, but the phantom symptoms have been especially apparent this past week. My temps are going up, and my chart looks perfect (don't believe me? check it out... use the link to the right). The problem? I have gone through 5 tests in the last four days and it's still bfn. With my first pregnancy, I didn't get a positive until I was 15dpo. But with my second, I had a bfp on 11dpo.

I know that even if I do get a bfp, I won't be able to relax... at least not initially.

But I want to know!

Confessions of a Bored Infertile

Good Evening Humble Readers... I hope this post makes sense, as I am very tired at the moment.

** Usual disclaimer ** If you are a reader who knows me irl, and have no interest in hearing about my 'plumbing', you might want to skip this post.

I'm feeling a little like Ross on Friends... I have to keep reminding myself that we are 'on a break'. I know that it is highly, HIGHLY unlikely that I'm going to need to even consider testing this cycle. Or next cycle. I mean we are using condoms after all... geez!

And yet, here we are... 12 dpo and I'm still fixated on the mild heartburn I had yesterday and of course the sore boobs. Ridiculous! I KNOW that AF is going to show up tomorrow. So, why can't I just let this obsession go?

In an attempt to distract myself from the "am I?" question running around my brain, I have spent some time pondering my ovulation charts. I've noticed something that I'm wondering about.

Throughout the winter and spring, each cycle I generally had 5-6 days of the good cm. In fact, there were a few cycles that I thought I was going to ovulate earlier than normal because I had early ewcm. The last few months I have had very scant cm... barely 4 days, and not in the amounts I have gotten accustomed to.

So, I'm wondering if this is a result of the testing I've had in recent months. The hysteroscopy, the HSG, etc. Or could it be because it's summer... it's hot, and I have not been as good about drinking my water as I should have? Because I was pregnant at this point last summer, I don't have any charts to compare.

Anyone have any thoughts?

Another thing that has been niggling in the back of my brain... my luteal phase. I know that it's not supposed to change all that much from cycle to cycle, but mine has continuously gotten longer. I have had 11, 12, 12.5, and now almost 13 day LP. I know that longer is better, and I think it might be a result of the vitamin B I've been taking for quite a while.

Again, I ask, any thoughts?

Ok... I think that's it for now. I'm falling asleep as I type.

Oh My Goodness... ICLW Again Already!

Where does the time go?

For those of you who are stopping by for the first time here's my top ten:

10 - the number of books "to read" that are currently on my bedside table
9 - the month of my birthday, also the month of our long awaited trip to NYC (Can you still call it a honeymoon if you have been married for more than two years?)
8 - how old my nephew will be turning in a week
7 - the number of boxes that we haven't yet unpacked (and we moved in here almost a year ago)
6 - the number of parents I have had in my life (yes, my life is the stuff of Jerry Spr.inger's dreams)
5 - the number of new recipes I have to try soon so that I can pass them on to you lovely people
4 - the number of times a day I stare at my FF chart to see if I can will it to say I'm pregnant
3 - the number of countries I have lived in, the number of provinces I have lived in, and the number states I have lived in (did I mention Jerry Spr.inger?)
2 - the number of angels I have in heaven (Emily Hope & Olivia Noelle)
1 - the number of people who can shorten my first name to one syllable and not get a black eye

I am also at the tail end of what has turned out to be a very trying tww. Yesterday morning I was very hopeful, but now I'm just not so sure. The hives have faded a bit, my temp dropped a little this morning, and I'm now getting my usual pre-AF backache.

I'm feeling a bit foolish for being so hopeful, because really... if it did happen this month it could practically count as immaculate conception. I was so sick during my O week that... well, let's just say I'm putting the 'it only takes once' axiom to the test. I will know soon enough, I guess.

Anyway, welcome to my little hobbit-world. I'm glad you've stopped by!

Ummm... I think... Maybe...

I don't have any unequivocal proof, but...

• low grade cramps for the last week
• a slightly tri-phasic chart
• my usual phantom symptoms (mild nausea, fatigue, dizziness)
  
• no real pms symptoms
  

and now today

• hives

With both of my previous pregnancies, I broke out in hives during my luteal phase.

I have tested twice, and both came back bfn, but it is still early. Friday is really the day that I'm expecting AF.

Humble readers, my brain is going in circles. I am hopeful and scared, prayerful and terrified.

Oh the Joy of Sound

Well kids, I did it. I went to work today and worked a whole shift. It's my first full shift since May 2nd. Crazy!

I'm exhausted, but it felt good to be out of the house and doing things again. My voice is thrashed again from having to talk so much, but I am seeing (or should I say hearing?) some improvement in other areas...

Yup... My ears have started to pop.

My right ear popped for the first time last night, and let me tell you, I thought I was going to die! (Imagine that obit... 'After a long struggle with the rhino virus, Mrs. Gamgee succumbed to a fatal popping of her right ear...') It felt like someone was driving a hot poker right through my ear drum. After the pain faded, though, the release of pressure was fabulous! My left ear has popped a few times today, which created a few interesting moments with my staff... imagine me clutching the side of my head after sneezing and one of my retiree part-timers staring at the grimace on my face... not easy to explain to a very prim 70 year old lady.

So, I'm on the mend... just in time for the phantom tww symptoms to kick in. *sigh* I KNOW that the odds are very seriously against anything coming of this cycle... but now that we've been given the 'all clear' I hate having to wait! Oh well... Come on AF!

Off to take a nap...

I'm NOT Superstitous...

I have never been one to believe in superstitions. I'll step on a crack... I'll walk under ladders... heck, I've even broken a mirror a time or two.

But... I'm at that point in my tww, where all those old wives tales and things have started to pound on my brain.

Did you know that I once had a friend tell me that I would never have children based on the number of lines on the side of my hand? Apparently, in some parts of Chinese culture, if you make a fist and then count the lines that appear by your pinky knuckle, you can find out how many children you will have. I laughed it off... my friend was very sad for me.

During my last pregnancy, I had the requisite weird dreams. In all of them I was 'misplacing' our baby. In every single one! I lost our baby at church, at work, and at the grocery store (altho, in that one my beloved found a different 'our baby' in the frozen foods section... dream analysis anyone?).

Gah! I know I'm sounding ridiculous right now, but I just can't get this stuff out of my brain.

Sorry for the ramble...

April ICLW

I cannot believe it's been a month already! Wow!

Ok... so a quick recap for folks who have never stopped by before:

• Married my beloved in April of 07 after having been matched on eHarm.ony (I think we'd be great in their commercials!)
• Went off bcp in January of 08 after having been on them for just over a year. Joke that I'll be pregnant in a matter of weeks because all the women in my family are 'just that fertile'.
  
• Get our first bfp in July 08 and are over the moon happy.
• Diagnosed with a blighted ovum at 10 weeks. Have a D&C.
• Try again.
• Blessed with our second bfp in December of 08. Excited, but reserved.
• Diagnosed with blighted ovum at 8 weeks. M/C'd natually at 11 weeks.
  
• Had an HSG after two cycles (this month). All seems well, except for a teeny spot that is either scar tissue or a polyp. Doctor does not seem concerned and we are given the green light to try again.
  
• Currently in the wretched tww, and phantom symptoms are driving me nuts! Not holding out a ton of hope tho for this cycle.
  

I know that my story isn't as long as some, but it feels like we've been at this for a really long time already.

Thanks for stopping by... and I promise I have some recipes planned to share (I still have yet to post my Easter dinner recipes). Wishing you a blessed day, humble readers!

My Internal Voice of Optimism

With both of our previous pregnancies, I disregarded what is considered sage advice, and made baby related purchases in the first trimester. If I were someone who believed in jinxes, then I would say that I wouldn't buy another blessed baby item until I have that long awaited little one in my arms needing as-yet-unpurchased diapers.

When pregnant the first time, with Emily, I purchased a couple Be.lla bands early on. Then my boss and his wife were getting rid of their car seat & stroller, and as it was only two years old I jumped at the chance to save some money. The week after we bought it from them, I miscarried.

When pregnant the second time, with Olivia, I was pretty determined to not purchase anything baby related until that mythical second trimester. Buuuut... I was doing some window shopping in a baby/toy store and there was a play pen (does anyone else find it funny they call them play yards now?) from a great name brand on sale for half price. Well I couldn't pass that up, right? Again, the week after I bought it, we found out I was going to miscarry.

There were also the sweet little stuffed elephants, that would go so perfectly in how I have envisioned the nursery. And don't even ask me about books... it's an occupational hazard. I bought all kinds of books. I'm really looking forward to someday being able to read them all past the 8 or 10 week mark.

After our second loss (right after the last u/s that showed no hope), I was adamant I was going to sell all the baby stuff we had accumulated. I felt that I couldn't bring myself to really look at it any more. I wanted to throw away all the free samples I had received and I wanted to tear the mocking little faces off those stuffed elephants. My beloved, ever patient and a voice of reason, asked me to wait. We got home from that ultrasound, and he went and closed the door to the spare room where all of these items were stored. And that was the end of that... for about a month.

Together, we decided that the time had come to sort through the spare room. It was tough, but he took charge of all the baby stuff, tucking it away in the closet, while I took care of the boxes that had never been unpacked from when we moved in. Now, every time one of those freebies that I signed up for arrives in the mail, he just takes them and tucks them inside the car seat. Have I mentioned how blessed I am to have him?

So... a couple of weeks ago we got a whole new line of baby gift product at our store. As I was helping sort through it, I came across something I had been looking for in both of my previous pregnancies. They are frames... white frames designed specifically for u/s pictures... with the phrase "Love At First Sight" on them.

Without even thinking, I grabbed three and stashed them on my desk with my stack of books to buy. A couple days later, I almost put them back out on the sales floor. This was before my HSG, when I was still in that waiting period when I 'knew' they were going to find a septum or something else equally devastating to my dream of being a mother. Finally, I just grabbed them and made the purchase. When I came home from work, I handed the bag to my beloved, and he stashed them in the 'usual place'.

Call it hope, call it my internal voice of optimism, call it delusional behavior... I am feeling ok about it all. I'm feeling hope, for what feels like the first time in months. I know that this tww (two week wait for the un-initiated) will likely end in a BFN, but for now I am hopeful.

And I'm enjoying being in this hopeful place.