Tuesday, April 14, 2009

My Internal Voice of Optimism

With both of our previous pregnancies, I disregarded what is considered sage advice, and made baby related purchases in the first trimester. If I were someone who believed in jinxes, then I would say that I wouldn't buy another blessed baby item until I have that long awaited little one in my arms needing as-yet-unpurchased diapers.

When pregnant the first time, with Emily, I purchased a couple Be.lla bands early on. Then my boss and his wife were getting rid of their car seat & stroller, and as it was only two years old I jumped at the chance to save some money. The week after we bought it from them, I miscarried.

When pregnant the second time, with Olivia, I was pretty determined to not purchase anything baby related until that mythical second trimester. Buuuut... I was doing some window shopping in a baby/toy store and there was a play pen (does anyone else find it funny they call them play yards now?) from a great name brand on sale for half price. Well I couldn't pass that up, right? Again, the week after I bought it, we found out I was going to miscarry.

There were also the sweet little stuffed elephants, that would go so perfectly in how I have envisioned the nursery. And don't even ask me about books... it's an occupational hazard. I bought all kinds of books. I'm really looking forward to someday being able to read them all past the 8 or 10 week mark.

After our second loss (right after the last u/s that showed no hope), I was adamant I was going to sell all the baby stuff we had accumulated. I felt that I couldn't bring myself to really look at it any more. I wanted to throw away all the free samples I had received and I wanted to tear the mocking little faces off those stuffed elephants. My beloved, ever patient and a voice of reason, asked me to wait. We got home from that ultrasound, and he went and closed the door to the spare room where all of these items were stored. And that was the end of that... for about a month.

Together, we decided that the time had come to sort through the spare room. It was tough, but he took charge of all the baby stuff, tucking it away in the closet, while I took care of the boxes that had never been unpacked from when we moved in. Now, every time one of those freebies that I signed up for arrives in the mail, he just takes them and tucks them inside the car seat. Have I mentioned how blessed I am to have him?

So... a couple of weeks ago we got a whole new line of baby gift product at our store. As I was helping sort through it, I came across something I had been looking for in both of my previous pregnancies. They are frames... white frames designed specifically for u/s pictures... with the phrase "Love At First Sight" on them.

Without even thinking, I grabbed three and stashed them on my desk with my stack of books to buy. A couple days later, I almost put them back out on the sales floor. This was before my HSG, when I was still in that waiting period when I 'knew' they were going to find a septum or something else equally devastating to my dream of being a mother. Finally, I just grabbed them and made the purchase. When I came home from work, I handed the bag to my beloved, and he stashed them in the 'usual place'.

Call it hope, call it my internal voice of optimism, call it delusional behavior... I am feeling ok about it all. I'm feeling hope, for what feels like the first time in months. I know that this tww (two week wait for the un-initiated) will likely end in a BFN, but for now I am hopeful.

And I'm enjoying being in this hopeful place.


  1. I'm glad you're feeling hope. I totally hear you on the no-jinx thing. I refused to buy anything with my pregnancy with my son until I was 5 months pregnant.

    It sounds like everything is in place to have some hope this month! Fingers crossed for you!!!

  2. SO glad you're enjoying being hopeful. I think "hope" is what gets me through. Yes, I have pessimistic moments...and much doubth, but the hopeful times are the best. :)

  3. Before my first m/c the only thing I bought was a book for my husband... it was a kid's book about how special dads are. I was going to give it to him after our first u/s with a picture, but now it's tucked away and waiting for another day.

    Hang on to that hope! It's a beautiful thing!

  4. Glad you're in a good place and I'm hoping the tww goes by quickly, but I have to say I'm always crossing my fingers for a very very sticky bfp.

    And I don't beleive in that superstition either...

  5. It is so hard to not buy things, to dream with something solid in your hands. I sometimes worry I am 'cursing' myself, when I buy a cute onesie, or something. But then I remind myself that many women buy stuff and DON'T miscarry.
    I am glad your husband is taking care of the freebies. And, good luck with 2ww!

  6. Hope is a beautiful thing. I'm glad you have it. I've only had one loss, and I've done the same thing. All the stuff we bought and was given to us is in a bedroom behind a closed door. I'm probably going to sell it, but I can't convince the hubby. I've not been able to get pregnant again, and I'm over all this baby crap. I can't afford fertility testing/treatments, and adoption is totally out of our reach. I'm not gonna get to be a mom, and that's that. I'm happy for you, you deserve to be happy, and hopeful.

  7. You have been through so much. I hope things only look up from here.



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