Blog Challenge Day 30: A Letter to the Halfling

Howdy Humble Readers...

Today is the last of the blog challenge assignments, and I am supposed to talk about my hope for the future.  I couldn't think of a better way to do that than to take this opportunity to put into words my hopes for this little person I get to meet soon. 

My Precious Little One...

As I feel you move within me, I wonder who you are, who you will become.  I wonder what you will look like, which side of the family you will take after.  I wonder, will you be logical and mellow like your Daddy, or will you be creative and ruled by your emotions, like me?  Or will you be someone completely different?  Whoever you are, I know you will be amazing. 

Where do I begin to articulate my hopes for you?

I think my biggest hope for you is that you will have joy in your life.  Not just happiness, but true joy.  Joy doesn't rely on things around you going right or being perfect, it's a state of mind and an element of faith.  Joy persists in the face of trouble, and doesn't fade when the road gets rough.  Having joy in your heart doesn't mean you won't have pain, but it will help see you through. 

I hope you never feel alone, that you know you will always have someone to love you, to help you through the hard times and celebrate with you in the good times. 

I hope that you look at this world with eyes open to mystery and wonder.  There is astounding greatness all around us, in people and our variety of cultures, in the physical world around us, and in the things that we can't see.  I hope that you have a place in your heart to celebrate and contribute to the diversity that makes our world wonderful.

I hope you have courage.  Courage to acknowledge and face your fears.  There is no shame in being afraid, and courage allows us to work through our fear and come out stronger on the other side. 

I hope that you understand, someday, that your Father and I are scared and humbled at the prospect of raising you.  I hope that you know in your heart how much we have longed for you and prayed for you.  I hope that you never have reason to doubt our love for you. 

I hope you never ever lack for hope.

Love,
Mommy

*****
Nursery pics will be posted tomorrow! 

Blog Challenge Day 29: My Hopes, Dreams, and Plans for the Next Year

Good Afternoon Humble Readers...

It's hard to believe that I'm on the second to last of these 30 challenge posts.  When I started the blog challenge it was in hopes of improving my blog posting frequency and to get through the last month before the Halfling makes his/her appearance.  Well here we are, almost at the end.  Astounding!  The last two challenges are especially fitting at this point.  Today I'm to talk about my hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days.

The things I'm hoping for: a safe and healthy delivery, a year of incredible firsts with the Halfling, and lots of patience for the challenges that lie ahead. 

The things I'm dreaming about: all the sweet things that I'm sure most mother's dream about... little fingers and toes, baby smiles, that wonderful new baby smell, and holding this precious child in my arms.

The things I'm planning on: being successful with breastfeeding and cloth diapering, getting to K-town at least a couple of times so that my parents can get to know their new grandchild, and enjoying learning how to be a mother. 

(and one thing that falls into all three categories... even tho it sounds incredibly naive, selfish and greedy... is to hopefully being pregnant with Halfling #2 by this time next year)

*****
As much as I want to go to see HP7 tomorrow night, it's not going to happen.  I don't have the wherewithal to stand in line for tickets and be in the mad crush of people.  Instead, Beloved and I are going to get our tickets in advance for Monday or Tuesday evening, after the initial rush.  It will still be busy, but not as insane.  So, if you see it this weekend... I don't want to hear about it!  Got it?!?  :)

Hobbit-ish Potpurri: 300th Post & Randomness

Good Morning Humble Readers...

It's still pretty early here, but it is a beautiful day.  We had a kick ass thunderstorm last night just after I got home from work, with lots of thunder and lightning.  While I enjoyed it, I know it wasn't a good thing for those living a few hours south of us.  The south eastern corner of our province is under a state of emergency because of severe flooding.  Praying that they get some relief soon.

*****
I can't believe that I have babbled on and on here enough to have 300 posts.  It's been an interesting journey to get here.  I started this blog long before I knew about the ALI community, when I innocently wanted to keep a journal of my first pregnancy.  Through two losses, and the long road to get where we are now, this has been my safe place, and I appreciate all your support so much. 

*****
I have a love hate relationship with televised sports.  My Beloved is a true Canadian, being a hockey and Canadian football freak.  I enjoy hockey (I prefer to watch live rather than on tv)... I really do, but does the season have to last all year?  Really, the only month that doesn't have any hockey in it is August.  I know that the Stanley Cup playoffs are over, but with the awards ceremonies and the draft... it just needs to end.

*****
Serious moment:  While I'm getting more and more used to the idea that this pregnancy is the real deal and that in just a few months we could be bringing home a little one of our own, I still have lots of those moments where it just seems like it could all go to hell at any second.  Specifically, every time I get to/have to share our news with someone, I wonder if they are going to be the last person I get to tell before it all goes wrong.  With people who have known from the beginning, I can talk about the baby all I want and I can be happy and even a little giddy.  But when I run into someone who hasn't heard, I get nervous.  I never claimed to be rational.

*****
My Beloved got to pick up our new car yesterday.  When he picked me up from work last night it was so odd.  It's far too nice a car to be ours.  The dealership had it detailed and it looks amazing.  I almost felt bad when we had to park it in our dusty little gravel parking lot behind our building.  I can almost imagine bringing our baby home in it.  Almost.

Blessed Chaos

Good Evening Humble Readers...

I hope that you all had a good day. For me, it was a pretty good day. It was crazy busy at work, which is always fun, and all is well with Petey the PT Cruiser. Yay!

After work tonight, I told my Beloved that he was taking me out for dinner. I was feeling done-in. We went to a rather popular italian chain restaurant that likes to think it captures the New York style and ambiance (not a chance... lol). I do love their italian wedding soup, though.

I was expecting that it was going to be busy, so I wasn't surprised when we found our table for two was wedged in between two larger family groups. On one side was a group of adults, mostly middle aged or older. On the other side was a multi-generational group including grandparents, aunts and uncles, parents, two preschoolers and a toddler.

After a long busy day in the store, going out to this type of restaurant was probably not the best idea. It was very loud, so loud that my Beloved and I didn't actually try to talk through most of our meal. One of the preschoolers was fussing to get out of her high chair, the toddler was just plain old unhappy, and two of the uncles were being overly enthusiastic in trying to keep the little ones entertained. The little boy was was making car noises as he drove his hot wheels car around the table, and when their ice cream arrived there was a great debate between the little girl and her mom about whether or not the cherry on top had contaminated the dessert. Spoons were dropped on the floor, and there was mild shreiking when grandma tried to wipe a little face.

The family group on the other side of our table were very obviously put out at the noise and the crowding in the restaurant. I overheard several comments about how it was 'too loud to think' and how parents 'shouldn't bring little ones out this late' (it was only 6pm). I swear they even broke out that old chestnut, 'children should be seen and not heard'.

In all honesty, I was initially irritated by the noise. I just wanted a mellow dinner and maybe a walk through the Pi.er 1 store next door.

But as I watched the family with the small children interact, I recognized that I wasn't so much irritated with the noise as I was with that prickle of envy I was feeling. You know the one. That little zing that feels like a tug at your uterus and you heart at the same time.

The family with the little ones finished and left shortly before my Beloved and I finished our dinner. The grandmother, on her way past apologized for the noise and made a comment about how we could now enjoy our dinner in peace.

One lady from the group on the other side of our table muttered something about how we would finally have some 'blessed peace' as the little ones and their entourage made their way out.

And seriously, all I could think of was how quiet our lives are right now, and how I would give my left b00b for just a tiny measure of that chaos.

Hopes and Dreams

Good evening Humble Readers... I hope you have all had a good weekend.

Something has been coming to mind a lot in the last few days (in conversation with my pastor, on a message board someone was talking about dreams, and then Wise Guy posted about a dream she had recently), and I want to share it with you all. I will preface this by saying that I have never been one to put a lot of stock in dream analysis. I have always believed that dreams are just our mind's way of dealing with day to day events and preoccupations.

But...

When I was pregnant the second time, last winter, I had a dream that has stayed with me. It was just before my first u/s, at around 8.5 wks, and I didn't know yet that things had again gone wrong.

In my dream, my Beloved and I were grocery shopping. In typical dream fashion, I knew that the store was the little grocery store near our condo, but inside it was laid out like a store I used to go to for popsicles when I was in elementary school.

In my dream we were taking our new baby girl out for the first time. Showing her off to the ladies at the check out... being proud parents. I think we were shopping for food for a family event. I know that we were expecting company.

In my dream I remember looking at some items in a long freezer chest in the grocery store. When I looked back at my shopping cart, the baby was gone. We couldn't find her. We had lost her. I remember being terrified in the dream... thinking that I was a terrible mother because I couldn't even take care of my baby for one day. I was just so upset.

But then, in my dream, I saw my Beloved walking toward me, holding a beautiful little girl. She was in a pink dress, with dark hair that looked like my bio-dad's and my Beloved's brown eyes. I can see her dress, her smile, her fingers.

This little girl was NOT the baby we 'misplaced'. My Beloved walked right up to me and told me that he couldn't find the baby that was lost, but this beautiful girl was ours. I don't know where he found her or where she came from, I just knew without a doubt that she was ours.

I think it was because of this dream that I knew before our u/s that I was going to m/c again.

But that little girl in the dream... she is my deam girl. She is a seed of hope. Hope that I will be a mom some day.

Am I foolish for hanging on to a dream that I had almost a year ago? Probably.

The Fog is Lifting (aka The Self-Analysis Post)

Well, Humble Readers... it seems that the fog, and the funk, is clearing.

Is it because it has finally stopped snowing? (Yes, that's right. Here on the northern flatland, we had an early taste of winter. This has been the coldest October in almost 25 years... and of course it followed the hottest September on record. Go figure!) Is it because the thermometer is closer to normal temperatures for this time of year?

Is it because I have just spent two hours baking? (One batch of glazed pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and two loaves of cinnamon loaf. Peanut butter chocolate bars are being made tomorrow.)

Or maybe it's because I'm getting close to O time and maybe my hope is creeping back in?

Or maybe it's just the new cd I got the other day... there is a tonne of power in getting a musical soundtrack that I don't already know by heart.

Whatever it is, I'm glad! I wasn't enjoying being in my head so much. I'm starting to feel like me.

When I let my rational self think about how things went last month, many things become clear. First, I was putting way to much pressure on myself. It's only our first month officially trying again after our break. I know that getting pregnant isn't our issue. It will happen, eventually.

Second, I fell victim to the stupid idea that somehow being on vacation might help make things happen. Really... how ridiculous? How many times have I rolled my eyes when someone gave me that assvice?

Last... I always have a bit of a slump around my birthday. From the time I was 16, every year around my birthday I get a bit blue. I think being on vacation on my birthday delayed the inevitable.

So, when my cycle chose this last month to screw around on me, it was just crappy timing all the way around.

Thank you, Humble Readers, for your patience with my whining, and for your support.

Lessons Learned During The Break

Good Evening Humble Readers...

It's been a crazy week. My Beloved and I thank you so much for all your support. Each day brings it's own challenges, but we and Mom C, and the rest of the family are making it through.

In the midst of all this, time has flown... and I can officially say that our ttc break is over. Granted, I'm on the downward slope toward AF, but as soon as she's packed her bags, we are back to the baby-making, or my favourite new ttc abbreviation... GOF (goal oriented f.... well, you get the idea).

While it wasn't intentional when we booked our trip way back in February, the timing is impeccable. Prime baby making time falls right in the middle of our trip.

Honestly, I feel like we've been on a break since the m/c in January, with all the testing and procedures. I am trying not to put a lot of pressure on either of us, but I'm ready for this to happen soon.

To that end, we have made a few decisions. First up, if we are not pregnant by Christmas, then we are going to push for more intensive testing. And if we do get pregnant, and the unbearable should happen again, then we obviously will be looking at our options. One thing we absolutely agree on is that IVF is not for us. We may consider IUI, but that is still uncertain. Tentatively, we have set next summer as when we will start talking seriously about adoption.

This break time has taught me a few things... or perhaps reminded me of things I knew before ttc and m/c's overtook my life.

• I love my Beloved more than I could ever thought possible.
• I have reserves of strength that I didn't know were there
• I can survive heartbreak
• Patience really is a virtue.

and...

• My (blankety blank) boobs hurt during my lp EVERY (blankety blank) time, so I will not fall for that old bait and switch trick that my cycle plays on me!
• AF can arrive without me pee-ing on a stick first!

So, off we go... and who knows? Maybe we'll come home from NYC with an extra special souvenir.