Blessed Chaos

Good Evening Humble Readers...

I hope that you all had a good day. For me, it was a pretty good day. It was crazy busy at work, which is always fun, and all is well with Petey the PT Cruiser. Yay!

After work tonight, I told my Beloved that he was taking me out for dinner. I was feeling done-in. We went to a rather popular italian chain restaurant that likes to think it captures the New York style and ambiance (not a chance... lol). I do love their italian wedding soup, though.

I was expecting that it was going to be busy, so I wasn't surprised when we found our table for two was wedged in between two larger family groups. On one side was a group of adults, mostly middle aged or older. On the other side was a multi-generational group including grandparents, aunts and uncles, parents, two preschoolers and a toddler.

After a long busy day in the store, going out to this type of restaurant was probably not the best idea. It was very loud, so loud that my Beloved and I didn't actually try to talk through most of our meal. One of the preschoolers was fussing to get out of her high chair, the toddler was just plain old unhappy, and two of the uncles were being overly enthusiastic in trying to keep the little ones entertained. The little boy was was making car noises as he drove his hot wheels car around the table, and when their ice cream arrived there was a great debate between the little girl and her mom about whether or not the cherry on top had contaminated the dessert. Spoons were dropped on the floor, and there was mild shreiking when grandma tried to wipe a little face.

The family group on the other side of our table were very obviously put out at the noise and the crowding in the restaurant. I overheard several comments about how it was 'too loud to think' and how parents 'shouldn't bring little ones out this late' (it was only 6pm). I swear they even broke out that old chestnut, 'children should be seen and not heard'.

In all honesty, I was initially irritated by the noise. I just wanted a mellow dinner and maybe a walk through the Pi.er 1 store next door.

But as I watched the family with the small children interact, I recognized that I wasn't so much irritated with the noise as I was with that prickle of envy I was feeling. You know the one. That little zing that feels like a tug at your uterus and you heart at the same time.

The family with the little ones finished and left shortly before my Beloved and I finished our dinner. The grandmother, on her way past apologized for the noise and made a comment about how we could now enjoy our dinner in peace.

One lady from the group on the other side of our table muttered something about how we would finally have some 'blessed peace' as the little ones and their entourage made their way out.

And seriously, all I could think of was how quiet our lives are right now, and how I would give my left b00b for just a tiny measure of that chaos.

Show & Tell: Anti-Bitterness

A lot of people have been apologizing to me lately.

A co-worker in my office... "I'm sorry. Does the picture of my new niece on my desk bother you?"

A staff-member who's pregnant... "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be talking about my pregnancy."

My Beloved, at a restaurant this week, after pointing out an adorable little one... "I'm sorry. Is it too hard on you to see that?"

I just want to scream at everyone to stop.

Yes, I have lost two babies. Yes, it is something that is still very much a part of my daily life. Yes, I deal with jealousy every day when I see others' babies and pregnancies. Yes, I am envious of the girls who get knocked up without seeming to try. Yes, I have packed away all the reminders of babies in my house. Yes, I am an infertile!

But that doesn't mean that I am bitter 24/7. That doesn't mean that I hate the sight of all babies.

Back in January, February, even March, if you had asked if I was ok with celebrating others' babies and pregnancies, I wouldn't have been able to give you a positive answer. But even in my darkest moments I recognized that my pain and bitterness were just that, mine.

There are fortunate people who get pregnant easily, and carry their babies to term without a whole lot of difficulty. Do I envy them? Yes! Do I hate them or avoid them like the plague? No!

I love babies. I think that pregnant women are beautiful. I rejoice when I hear that a friend in RL or in the blogosphere announce that they have succeeded where I have failed. I love to make stupid faces at the teeny ones who make their way into my store. I coo and make an idiot of myself over babies regularly. Have I said it loud enough? I LOVE BABIES!

I hate being infertile. I hate that it has become a part of my identity in a way that I can't escape. I hate that it has changed my view on something that I had always thought would be so simple for me.

But I hope that I will never be bitter about a baby. Babies are cause for celebration! They are hope, faith and love personified.

I just want one of my own.

(I don't mean this post as a judgement on anyone who is struggleing to feel happy about a friend's baby or pregnancy. Your feelings are yours and are therefore correct for whatever situation you are currently facing.)

I know that this isn't a typical Show & Tell post, but it's where I'm at today. If you want to see a collection of more normal showing and telling, head on over to Mel's and see what the rest of the class is up to.