Hopes and Dreams

Good evening Humble Readers... I hope you have all had a good weekend.

Something has been coming to mind a lot in the last few days (in conversation with my pastor, on a message board someone was talking about dreams, and then Wise Guy posted about a dream she had recently), and I want to share it with you all. I will preface this by saying that I have never been one to put a lot of stock in dream analysis. I have always believed that dreams are just our mind's way of dealing with day to day events and preoccupations.

But...

When I was pregnant the second time, last winter, I had a dream that has stayed with me. It was just before my first u/s, at around 8.5 wks, and I didn't know yet that things had again gone wrong.

In my dream, my Beloved and I were grocery shopping. In typical dream fashion, I knew that the store was the little grocery store near our condo, but inside it was laid out like a store I used to go to for popsicles when I was in elementary school.

In my dream we were taking our new baby girl out for the first time. Showing her off to the ladies at the check out... being proud parents. I think we were shopping for food for a family event. I know that we were expecting company.

In my dream I remember looking at some items in a long freezer chest in the grocery store. When I looked back at my shopping cart, the baby was gone. We couldn't find her. We had lost her. I remember being terrified in the dream... thinking that I was a terrible mother because I couldn't even take care of my baby for one day. I was just so upset.

But then, in my dream, I saw my Beloved walking toward me, holding a beautiful little girl. She was in a pink dress, with dark hair that looked like my bio-dad's and my Beloved's brown eyes. I can see her dress, her smile, her fingers.

This little girl was NOT the baby we 'misplaced'. My Beloved walked right up to me and told me that he couldn't find the baby that was lost, but this beautiful girl was ours. I don't know where he found her or where she came from, I just knew without a doubt that she was ours.

I think it was because of this dream that I knew before our u/s that I was going to m/c again.

But that little girl in the dream... she is my deam girl. She is a seed of hope. Hope that I will be a mom some day.

Am I foolish for hanging on to a dream that I had almost a year ago? Probably.

The Fog is Lifting (aka The Self-Analysis Post)

Well, Humble Readers... it seems that the fog, and the funk, is clearing.

Is it because it has finally stopped snowing? (Yes, that's right. Here on the northern flatland, we had an early taste of winter. This has been the coldest October in almost 25 years... and of course it followed the hottest September on record. Go figure!) Is it because the thermometer is closer to normal temperatures for this time of year?

Is it because I have just spent two hours baking? (One batch of glazed pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and two loaves of cinnamon loaf. Peanut butter chocolate bars are being made tomorrow.)

Or maybe it's because I'm getting close to O time and maybe my hope is creeping back in?

Or maybe it's just the new cd I got the other day... there is a tonne of power in getting a musical soundtrack that I don't already know by heart.

Whatever it is, I'm glad! I wasn't enjoying being in my head so much. I'm starting to feel like me.

When I let my rational self think about how things went last month, many things become clear. First, I was putting way to much pressure on myself. It's only our first month officially trying again after our break. I know that getting pregnant isn't our issue. It will happen, eventually.

Second, I fell victim to the stupid idea that somehow being on vacation might help make things happen. Really... how ridiculous? How many times have I rolled my eyes when someone gave me that assvice?

Last... I always have a bit of a slump around my birthday. From the time I was 16, every year around my birthday I get a bit blue. I think being on vacation on my birthday delayed the inevitable.

So, when my cycle chose this last month to screw around on me, it was just crappy timing all the way around.

Thank you, Humble Readers, for your patience with my whining, and for your support.

The Hobbit In Hiding

Good afternoon Humble Readers...

I'm here.

Not fallen off the end of the world, not the latest victim of H1N1 or a balrog, not gone on a life-threatening quest to destroy the source of all evil.

I have been hiding in my hobbit hole, eating, reading, watching garbage tv, and, oh yeah, going to work. Days have gone by without much to mark them except a dull feeling of sadness.

We talk about hope a lot in the ALI community. To hope or not to hope. Hope that by this time next year I'll be a mom. Hope that this will be the last month I spend a small fortune on hpts. Choosing not to hope because the let down at the end of each unsuccessful cycle will possibly be less (yeah right).

I don't know why, and really I don't want to think about it too much, but my last cycle was funky. The only times I have ever been 3 days late was when I was pregnant. Maybe it was the travel, maybe it was the exercise I got when we were on vacation, maybe it was just one of those things. It doesn't really matter.

What matters is that I need to move forward. To be able to look at this cycle with the same hope I had for the last one. I feel almost like I did after our second loss. The sight of a pregnant belly the other day made me teary. That feeling that this is NEVER GONNA HAPPEN is just a bit too big to look past like I normally do.

By nature, I think I am a pretty optimistic person. I'm too naive sometimes, too trusting, but I would rather see the good in people than the bad. I would rather hope than not. I expect the best, and usually I can handle it when the world doesn't quite live up to my hopes. It's just taking me a little longer this month to get back to that hopeful place.

I don't know what is bothering me more... the fact that my hopes were dashed for another month or that I can't quite grab hold of that hope that has been my life preserver through these last two years.

Tag! You're It!

Hey Humble Readers... it's been a bit of a day. AF has kicked my backside in a big way, both emotionally and physically. I promise I will be back tomorrow with my Show & Tell post (Terwilliger's Adventures in New York). Tonight, I just need a little meme time.


I was tagged for this by three very lovely bloggers... Katie, Mai, and Minta... Thank you, ladies! I really appreciate it!

Here are the rules for the Over The Top Award:

• USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best. (I say parenthetical thoughts don't count!)
• Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'!

1. Where is your cell phone? Charging

2.Your hair? be-scarfed (because it is unwashed)

3. Your mother? missed

4. Your father? sweet

5. Your favorite food? savory (as opposed to sweet, not the herb)

6. Your dream last night? none (that I remember)
7. Your favorite drink? Tea (preferably iced green tea lemonade from Sta.rbu.cks)

8. Your dream/goal? published

9. What room are you in? living

10. Your hobby? writing

11. Your fear? BIRDS!

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? SAHM (that's a stay-at-home-mom for the uninitiated)

13. Where were you last night? Work

14. Something that you aren’t? skinny (falling over laughing)

15. Muffins? Carrot (with golden raisins!)

16. Wish list item? housekeeper

17. Where did you grow up? everywhere (have I mentioned that I've moved a lot?)

18. Last thing you did? Dinner

19. What are you wearing? sweater

20. Your TV? On

21. Your pets? imaginary (as in, I don't have any... yet! Hopefully a pug in the new year!)

22. Friends? Coworkers

23. Your life? incomplete

24. Your mood? blah

25. Missing someone? sister

26. Vehicle? Cruiser (PT cruiser that is)

27. Something you’re not wearing? Socks

28. Your favorite store? bookstore (yes... I love MY store)

29. Your favorite color? Red

30. When was the last time you laughed? today

31. Last time you cried? today

32. Your best friend? Beloved

33. One place that I go to over and over? Qui.znos

34. One person who emails me regularly? Spam (unless you count comment notifications :) )

35. Favorite place to eat? home

And now my tag-ees!

1. Alana

2. Flying Monkeys

3. Callista

4. Sunflowerchilde

5. Serendipity

6. Wise Guy

The No-Good-Very-Bad-Day

Well, Humble Readers... I have my answer...

No June baby for me.

And to top it all off, it's snowing. That's right, SNOWING!!

I'll be back later for Show and Tell, hopefully in a better mood.