Good afternoon Humble Readers...
I'm here.
Not fallen off the end of the world, not the latest victim of H1N1 or a balrog, not gone on a life-threatening quest to destroy the source of all evil.
I have been hiding in my hobbit hole, eating, reading, watching garbage tv, and, oh yeah, going to work. Days have gone by without much to mark them except a dull feeling of sadness.
We talk about hope a lot in the ALI community. To hope or not to hope. Hope that by this time next year I'll be a mom. Hope that this will be the last month I spend a small fortune on hpts. Choosing not to hope because the let down at the end of each unsuccessful cycle will possibly be less (yeah right).
I don't know why, and really I don't want to think about it too much, but my last cycle was funky. The only times I have ever been 3 days late was when I was pregnant. Maybe it was the travel, maybe it was the exercise I got when we were on vacation, maybe it was just one of those things. It doesn't really matter.
What matters is that I need to move forward. To be able to look at this cycle with the same hope I had for the last one. I feel almost like I did after our second loss. The sight of a pregnant belly the other day made me teary. That feeling that this is NEVER GONNA HAPPEN is just a bit too big to look past like I normally do.
By nature, I think I am a pretty optimistic person. I'm too naive sometimes, too trusting, but I would rather see the good in people than the bad. I would rather hope than not. I expect the best, and usually I can handle it when the world doesn't quite live up to my hopes. It's just taking me a little longer this month to get back to that hopeful place.
I don't know what is bothering me more... the fact that my hopes were dashed for another month or that I can't quite grab hold of that hope that has been my life preserver through these last two years.
Sweet Hobbit, I wish I could hug you and take you out for a Latte!
ReplyDeleteCutting/pasting a poem my Mom gave to me back in 7th grade when I was going through a struggle (I didn't make the Show Choir team at my school.) I still have the magnet she gave me with this poem. It's on my fridge at home and I read it when I am blue.
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The Don't Quit Poem (Unknown Author)
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
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I'm sorry you are hurting. Thinking of you!
I'm sorry you're feeling down. I wonder if there is a difference between hope and expectation. I still hope every month but no longer have any expectations that this will be our month. It's when the hope turns into expectation that not only are expectations dashed, but hope can go down with them.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I wish there was something I could do for.
ReplyDeleteRemember you still need to email your snail mail address so I can send you your handmade item.
Hope is a thing we need, but sometimes just as we think we are winning it's whip catches us and we fall. The fall is impossibly dark and long. We must come back from the fall with the Balrog in from the mines of moria as Gandalf the White instead of the Gray.
ReplyDelete