OMG Humble Readers!
Who ever would have thought that time spent on Pinterest would lead to a personal epiphany? I mean this is life changing for me.
All my life I have thought I was nuts, wackadoodle, and maybe even a little bit crazy. No joke. There have been moments when I have felt like I was just going to snap and go completely insane.
All because of sounds. Certain sounds.
Sounds like that of people eating, smacking their lips, or gulping when they drink. The sound of crinkling plastic wrappers, like chip bags or candy wrappers. The sound of typing. People who walk heavily or stomp. And then there is the unknown, unexpected sounds that get me, like the fan in our living room that has begun to squeak.
Think back to Pippin's birth story. Remember my roommate who had a serious snot-sucking issue? There was actually a point where I had to leave the room, or I knew I was going to scream my lungs out.
These sounds trigger an amazing, involuntary response in my body. It's physical. My skin crawls, in some extreme cases I feel like I'm going to throw up, and there is an irrational anger that blasts through me. The number of times I have said, "I'm going to punch you in the face if you don't close your mouth when you eat" to my Beloved would startle you. And the scary thing is, in that brief moment I actually feel like I could. I would absolutely never do it, but the inclination is there.
Do you see why I thought I was crazy?
For me, I can usually handle the sounds for a brief period of time. But it's like it just builds and builds until I snap. Throughout my life, I have learned little coping techniques. Things like white noise, music, or leaving the situation (like my hospital room) all help. Usually once I voice my frustration, the stress level lessens significantly.
And I have always felt ridiculous and guilty for these responses
Tonight, when I was perusing Pinterest, I came across a pin about Misophonia. It literally means "hatred for sound", and is sometimes known as Selective Sound Sensitivity. It's an actual brain disorder that affects many people. From the little bit of reading I have done tonight, I seem to have a relatively 'light' form of it. Some people fly into uncontrollable rages, or end up isolating themselves entirely.
I feel like a weight has been lifted. I know that just having a name for this absurdity that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember somehow eases things a bit. Honestly, I'm not nuts!
Knowing that this is an actual thing won't make me less crazy the next time I'm sitting across the table from someone who grunts or smacks their lips when they eat. But, I think it will help alleviate the guilt I feel for my responses to these sounds.
Pinterest as therapy? Who knew?
(Yes, I know that self diagnosing via the internet is dangerous. But reading many of these peoples' stories is like looking into a mirror. I'm not the only one!)
Showing posts with label craziness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label craziness. Show all posts
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Week 27: A Cranky Hobbit
Howdy Humble Readers & ICLW Visitors!
I hope you are all doing well today. Things around here have been a tad sluggish... I woke up this morning feeling like I didn't sleep a wink last night. Of course, Ginny had a great sleep so she was up with the sun and raring to go. Ahh well, I need to get used to it. In a few more weeks I'll be having to get up for middle of the night feedings.
We had a meh sort of long weekend. Sadly, my Beloved had to go into work on Monday for a few hours, as this is a very busy time of year for him and he's had to spend a lot of time training a new staff member instead of tackling the big projects that need to be done by the end of the month. I'm afraid that I gave him a rough time about it... I had just been looking forward to spending some time together doing things that we want to do, rather than things that we have to do (like shopping, errands, chores, etc). Our weekends are always so busy, that when we get a little extra time just to be, I cherish it. Add to that, the fact that I don't get out of the house much during the winter and well, I turned into a mega biotch about the whole thing.
We did manage to make a little progress on my ever growing to-do list. Our bedroom closet is now much more organized, and we are now utilizing the space under our bed for storage. It means that I can now move ahead on the reorganizing and rearranging I need to do in the nursery, linen closet, and storage room. My project for this week is to go through my ridiculous amount of crafting stuff and sort what's worth keeping and what it's time to part with.
On to this week's update...
How far along? 27w0d (only 11 weeks to go)
Maternity clothes? Of course. I have to say, I love my caramel coloured cords. They are so warm and comfy! I'll miss them when I don't need them anymore.
Body Oddities? VERY dry skin, alternating constipation and IBS flares, acne, bruises from insulin injections, back ache, cracking joints, super sore & slightly leaky boobs, dry/itchy eyes, leg cramps, round ligament pain, tingly fingertips, very tired, gassy, Braxton Hicks NEW THIS WEEK: obscenly hungry!
Sleep? I've been sleeping heavily, but I don't seem to be getting rested. I've also been dreaming a lot (nothing terrible, thank heaven!) and I think I was talking in my sleep the other night.
Intense Dreams? Like I said, no bad dreams this week, but just strange stuff. Like one in which I was carrying around a huge jar of mayonaise. I have no idea why, but I had to lug that thing everywhere. Crazy!
Best moment this week? When Ginny blew me kisses on her way to bed the other night. First time!
Worst moment? Burned mashed potatoes, iced tea everywhere, arguing with my Beloved... need I say more?
Movement? A lot. I think this Halfling is finally getting ready to turn itself vertical. I have felt a few more kicks above my belly button lately, and when he/she isn't testing the waters vertically, he/she's pushing on my hip bones trying to make more room.
Food cravings/aversions? Other than being ridiculously hungry all the time, I'm totally craving pineapple. I don't normally care for it, but now... man oh man, the thought of some ice cold chunks of pineapple just makes me drool. In terms of aversions, the smells of raw meat are bugging me again. That lamb on Valentine's Day was awful while I was prepping it, and the beef I used for yesterday's soup smelled icky too.
Rings? I really don't think they're going to be on for much longer.
Gender? Still leaning toward it being a girl. Make sure to let me know what you think... and answer the poll on the right. (you all have been pretty evenly divided up to now)
Medical Concerns? Gestational Diabetes (insulin 5 times a day), High blood pressure (on 50mg of lobetalol 3x daily), continued heartburn (on 60mg of Pan.taloc daily), kidney stones (they're back!), low lying placenta.
What I miss? Being able to walk outside without fear of falling (always in the back of my mind, but especially so in the winter), walking without waddling
What I look forward to? not being so obsessed about food (I know I'm a foodie, but this past week has been ridiculous!), my next ultrasound (March 7), meeting this little person
Emtional State? Mostly ok, but when the biotch comes out... yikes!
I hope you are all doing well today. Things around here have been a tad sluggish... I woke up this morning feeling like I didn't sleep a wink last night. Of course, Ginny had a great sleep so she was up with the sun and raring to go. Ahh well, I need to get used to it. In a few more weeks I'll be having to get up for middle of the night feedings.
We had a meh sort of long weekend. Sadly, my Beloved had to go into work on Monday for a few hours, as this is a very busy time of year for him and he's had to spend a lot of time training a new staff member instead of tackling the big projects that need to be done by the end of the month. I'm afraid that I gave him a rough time about it... I had just been looking forward to spending some time together doing things that we want to do, rather than things that we have to do (like shopping, errands, chores, etc). Our weekends are always so busy, that when we get a little extra time just to be, I cherish it. Add to that, the fact that I don't get out of the house much during the winter and well, I turned into a mega biotch about the whole thing.
We did manage to make a little progress on my ever growing to-do list. Our bedroom closet is now much more organized, and we are now utilizing the space under our bed for storage. It means that I can now move ahead on the reorganizing and rearranging I need to do in the nursery, linen closet, and storage room. My project for this week is to go through my ridiculous amount of crafting stuff and sort what's worth keeping and what it's time to part with.
On to this week's update...
How far along? 27w0d (only 11 weeks to go)
Maternity clothes? Of course. I have to say, I love my caramel coloured cords. They are so warm and comfy! I'll miss them when I don't need them anymore.
Body Oddities? VERY dry skin, alternating constipation and IBS flares, acne, bruises from insulin injections, back ache, cracking joints, super sore & slightly leaky boobs, dry/itchy eyes, leg cramps, round ligament pain, tingly fingertips, very tired, gassy, Braxton Hicks NEW THIS WEEK: obscenly hungry!
Sleep? I've been sleeping heavily, but I don't seem to be getting rested. I've also been dreaming a lot (nothing terrible, thank heaven!) and I think I was talking in my sleep the other night.
Intense Dreams? Like I said, no bad dreams this week, but just strange stuff. Like one in which I was carrying around a huge jar of mayonaise. I have no idea why, but I had to lug that thing everywhere. Crazy!
Best moment this week? When Ginny blew me kisses on her way to bed the other night. First time!
Worst moment? Burned mashed potatoes, iced tea everywhere, arguing with my Beloved... need I say more?
Movement? A lot. I think this Halfling is finally getting ready to turn itself vertical. I have felt a few more kicks above my belly button lately, and when he/she isn't testing the waters vertically, he/she's pushing on my hip bones trying to make more room.
Food cravings/aversions? Other than being ridiculously hungry all the time, I'm totally craving pineapple. I don't normally care for it, but now... man oh man, the thought of some ice cold chunks of pineapple just makes me drool. In terms of aversions, the smells of raw meat are bugging me again. That lamb on Valentine's Day was awful while I was prepping it, and the beef I used for yesterday's soup smelled icky too.
Rings? I really don't think they're going to be on for much longer.
Gender? Still leaning toward it being a girl. Make sure to let me know what you think... and answer the poll on the right. (you all have been pretty evenly divided up to now)
Medical Concerns? Gestational Diabetes (insulin 5 times a day), High blood pressure (on 50mg of lobetalol 3x daily), continued heartburn (on 60mg of Pan.taloc daily), kidney stones (they're back!), low lying placenta.
What I miss? Being able to walk outside without fear of falling (always in the back of my mind, but especially so in the winter), walking without waddling
What I look forward to? not being so obsessed about food (I know I'm a foodie, but this past week has been ridiculous!), my next ultrasound (March 7), meeting this little person
Emtional State? Mostly ok, but when the biotch comes out... yikes!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
The Second Time Around
Hey Humble Readers...
I have struggled with this post for a few weeks, but I think I am ready to put this out there.
It isn't a secret that I thought I was ready to start ttc again pretty much right away after Ginny was born. Given our history, I wanted to get right back at it. I'm going to be 37 this fall, and my Beloved turns the big 4-0 in a matter of days now. To that end, I started temping and charting again as soon as AF showed up the first time, at three months post partum.
And it was right in that time frame that the dreaded PPD started it's beat down on me. So, there I was, freaking out about wonky temps, my late O, and (omg is this for real??) 14 day luteal phase, while feeling like complete crap about myself. And then the financial woes came on. Oh, and how about that completely non-existent libido?
Do you see the problem here? I'm putting all kinds of pressure on myself to achieve something that it took 3 years to do the first time around, and I am in a piss poor emotional state and stressed to the max. Not a great situation.
So, after some tearful discussions with my Beloved, I stopped temping, and put the thermometer away. I stopped tracking my cycle entirely. I put my FF account on hold.
I'm sure that some of you understand this. For someone who has spent the last 3 years being beyond intimately acquainted with the inner workings of her reproductive system, just allowing things to do what they will, without any sort of acknowledgement or critique, has driven me insane. While I know it does nothing, tracking my cycle gave me a sense of direction, of having an element of control over something impossible to cognitively control. The same questions roll through my head constantly. When did AF start? Did I O? Has my LP gone back to 11-12 days? Good God, am I pregnant?
I wanted to tear my hair out. I wanted to scream, 'WTF is going on?'. I berated myself for not paying closer attention to the date (I tend to lose track of time now that I'm not working outside the home). Phantom symptoms were just as bad as they were before Ginny. And poor Kristin has had to put up with hopeful and sadly resigned emails from me every few weeks. (Thank you, friend)
Yeah, the insanity is still there.
And that makes me wonder, will it ever go away? How in the world did I get through each cycle so nonchalantly before TTC entered my life? Will I ever be 'normal' again?
Not tracking my cycle was supposed to ease the stress, but instead, it's just added a whole new level of angst. And then of course there's something akin to survivor's guilt that keeps me from wanting to talk about these frustrations here, the place that should be the safest. The merry-go-round just keeps turning.
So, for good or ill, with my next cycle I will be back to tracking and temping. I will be checking my cm and evaluating the minute twinges I feel. We will officially be back into the world of ttc and, please God, may it not take as long or be as fraught with landmines as last time around.
A hobbit can only take this level of insanity for so long. The insanity you know is always better than that which you don't know, right? It has to be.
(Oh, I'm somewhere between 8-10dpo, I think. Happy tww!)
I have struggled with this post for a few weeks, but I think I am ready to put this out there.
It isn't a secret that I thought I was ready to start ttc again pretty much right away after Ginny was born. Given our history, I wanted to get right back at it. I'm going to be 37 this fall, and my Beloved turns the big 4-0 in a matter of days now. To that end, I started temping and charting again as soon as AF showed up the first time, at three months post partum.
And it was right in that time frame that the dreaded PPD started it's beat down on me. So, there I was, freaking out about wonky temps, my late O, and (omg is this for real??) 14 day luteal phase, while feeling like complete crap about myself. And then the financial woes came on. Oh, and how about that completely non-existent libido?
Do you see the problem here? I'm putting all kinds of pressure on myself to achieve something that it took 3 years to do the first time around, and I am in a piss poor emotional state and stressed to the max. Not a great situation.
So, after some tearful discussions with my Beloved, I stopped temping, and put the thermometer away. I stopped tracking my cycle entirely. I put my FF account on hold.
I'm sure that some of you understand this. For someone who has spent the last 3 years being beyond intimately acquainted with the inner workings of her reproductive system, just allowing things to do what they will, without any sort of acknowledgement or critique, has driven me insane. While I know it does nothing, tracking my cycle gave me a sense of direction, of having an element of control over something impossible to cognitively control. The same questions roll through my head constantly. When did AF start? Did I O? Has my LP gone back to 11-12 days? Good God, am I pregnant?
I wanted to tear my hair out. I wanted to scream, 'WTF is going on?'. I berated myself for not paying closer attention to the date (I tend to lose track of time now that I'm not working outside the home). Phantom symptoms were just as bad as they were before Ginny. And poor Kristin has had to put up with hopeful and sadly resigned emails from me every few weeks. (Thank you, friend)
Yeah, the insanity is still there.
And that makes me wonder, will it ever go away? How in the world did I get through each cycle so nonchalantly before TTC entered my life? Will I ever be 'normal' again?
Not tracking my cycle was supposed to ease the stress, but instead, it's just added a whole new level of angst. And then of course there's something akin to survivor's guilt that keeps me from wanting to talk about these frustrations here, the place that should be the safest. The merry-go-round just keeps turning.
So, for good or ill, with my next cycle I will be back to tracking and temping. I will be checking my cm and evaluating the minute twinges I feel. We will officially be back into the world of ttc and, please God, may it not take as long or be as fraught with landmines as last time around.
A hobbit can only take this level of insanity for so long. The insanity you know is always better than that which you don't know, right? It has to be.
(Oh, I'm somewhere between 8-10dpo, I think. Happy tww!)
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
You've Got To Check This Out
Good Morning Humble Readers!
I stumbled across this site last week, and I have wiled away far too much time reading through it. It would be funny if it weren't so darn scary...
My OB Said What?
I will definitely have some questions for my OB at my next appointment!
I stumbled across this site last week, and I have wiled away far too much time reading through it. It would be funny if it weren't so darn scary...
My OB Said What?
I will definitely have some questions for my OB at my next appointment!
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