The Second Time Around

Hey Humble Readers...

I have struggled with this post for a few weeks, but I think I am ready to put this out there.

It isn't a secret that I thought I was ready to start ttc again pretty much right away after Ginny was born.  Given our history, I wanted to get right back at it.  I'm going to be 37 this fall, and my Beloved turns the big 4-0 in a matter of days now.  To that end, I started temping and charting again as soon as AF showed up the first time, at three months post partum. 

And it was right in that time frame that the dreaded PPD started it's beat down on me.  So, there I was, freaking out about wonky temps, my late O, and (omg is this for real??) 14 day luteal phase, while feeling like complete crap about myself.  And then the financial woes came on.  Oh, and how about that completely non-existent libido? 

Do you see the problem here?  I'm putting all kinds of pressure on myself to achieve something that it took 3 years to do the first time around, and I am in a piss poor emotional state and stressed to the max.  Not a great situation.

So, after some tearful discussions with my Beloved, I stopped temping, and put the thermometer away.  I stopped tracking my cycle entirely.  I put my FF account on hold. 

I'm sure that some of you understand this.  For someone who has spent the last 3 years being beyond intimately acquainted with the inner workings of her reproductive system, just allowing things to do what they will, without any sort of acknowledgement or critique, has driven me insane.  While I know it does nothing, tracking my cycle gave me a sense of direction, of having an element of control over something impossible to cognitively control.  The same questions roll through my head constantly.  When did AF start?  Did I O?  Has my LP gone back to 11-12 days?  Good God, am I pregnant? 

I wanted to tear my hair out.  I wanted to scream, 'WTF is going on?'.  I berated myself for not paying closer attention to the date (I tend to lose track of time now that I'm not working outside the home).  Phantom symptoms were just as bad as they were before Ginny.  And poor Kristin has had to put up with hopeful and sadly resigned emails from me every few weeks.  (Thank you, friend)

Yeah, the insanity is still there. 

And that makes me wonder, will it ever go away?  How in the world did I get through each cycle so nonchalantly before TTC entered my life? Will I ever be 'normal' again?

Not tracking my cycle was supposed to ease the stress, but instead, it's just added a whole new level of angst.  And then of course there's something akin to survivor's guilt that keeps me from wanting to talk about these frustrations here, the place that should be the safest.  The merry-go-round just keeps turning.

So, for good or ill, with my next cycle I will be back to tracking and temping.  I will be checking my cm and evaluating the minute twinges I feel.  We will officially be back into the world of ttc and, please God, may it not take as long or be as fraught with landmines as last time around. 

A hobbit can only take this level of insanity for so long.  The insanity you know is always better than that which you don't know, right?  It has to be. 

(Oh, I'm somewhere between 8-10dpo, I think.  Happy tww!)

Definition of Frustration

Humble Readers, please bear with me...

(and if you are one of my non-IF readers, please feel free to skip this post... IF irrationality follows)

We have been ttc for 2 years...

I have tracked 21 cycles (halfway thru #22).

I have had 2 anovulatory cycles which were recovery cycles after losses.

So, 19 ovulatory cycles... 13 of which have had O on CD 14 or 15. (a couple CD13s and CD16s thrown in for aggravation's sake).

My last two cycles, as I have bemoaned to death, have had O on CD17.

Today is CD16.

I have had EWCM for a week! Not just a little, but a lot. My temps are still relatively low, and I'm going insane. I know that a 2-3 day difference in my O shouldn't be a big fat hairy deal, but it's driving me nuts.

If I don't O tomorrow, I think I might do something unthinkable to my thermometer.

(yes, the rational part of me knows that stressing about O can cause it to be delayed... but just because I know it doesn't mean I can make myself stop stressing)

Ok, rant over. We now return you to your regularly scheduled ramblings.

Response to questions: OPKs have never been that effective for me. The few times that I tried using them, I found myself even more stressed out about missing the surge. Thank you for the suggestion, tho.

Cycle Update: Calling All Experienced Charters

Good evening humble readers!

Welcome to crazy town! Work has been insane (in a good way) and I am completely exhausted (was there until 11 last night, and back there again at 8am today... don't have to be back until 7 tomorrow morning). Pfefferneusse cookies were made (18 dozen), but still no presents are wrapped or shipped, and no Christmas cards have been written up. Tonight my Beloved and I are going a-Cost.co-ing... I'm scared, it could be a mistake going tonight, but I can't put it off any longer.

Anyway, the true reason for this post... I need some experienced charters to take a peak at my chart. (link is in the right hand column) Ever since September, not-so-ironically when I turned 35, my cycle has been wonky. Extra long luteal phases, O dates changing... general wackiness.

This month is no exception. Short AF, what appears to be a very early O (CD12), and a fallback rise, followed by a very surprising albeit little patch of EWCM on a day when I had a dramatic temp drop. Today temps went back up... waaaaaaay up (10 hobbit points to anyone who can guess the retro-tv reference there). Either I O'd late AGAIN, or dare I hope it, an early implantation dip?

Gah! Is it any wonder I'm going insane?

I need all the insight you can give... save me from myself! Please!

Hobbit-ish Potpurri: Blathering On & On

Good Evening Humble Readers...

In an effort to meet my NABLOPOMO commitment, I have to post something today, but there really isn't much to tell... so you are just going to get some EXTREME randomness.

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In case you were wondering, dealing with IBS isn't fun. And dealing with it when you are an infertile is just obnoxious. Twinges that I feel in general vacinity of my ovaries might signify ovulation, or it might just be gas. Nausea in my tww could be a legitimate symptom of pregnancy or it could just be that trigger food that I really shouldn't have eaten. Oh, and that ache in my lower abdomen might be AF showing up early or it might be killer constipation. Gah!

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Ok... CM question for all my sisters out there who still chart. How many of you have had EWCM after you O'd? I am very certain that I o'd two days ago (confirmed by two days of very clear increase in temps), but I woke up this morning with some serious EWCM (more than I had before O actually).

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I confess that I am a huge fan of Dancing With The Stars. I have only missed a couple of episodes this season. I have been pulling for Kelly Osborne the whole time. They are 15 minutes away from announcing if she's in the finals next week, and I'm going nuts! And really, why would they have the BeeGees on tonight? Those dudes are just scary all the way around.

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Have any of you heard Sting's version of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlmen"? That song has always been my favourite Christmas carol, but his version is absolutely outstanding! I may actually have to buy the cd... and I rarely buy cds any more.

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Yahoooooooo! Kelly's in the finals! (I need to get a life!)

I Can't Shut It Off...

I have said it here, and I've made it clear to those in my life who know about our IF journey... we are on a break! Taking the summer off from actively trying, relaxing a bit, but mostly so that I don't have to worry about being in my first trimester while we are in NYC.

So why can't I shut off that part of my brain?

Why can't I stop wondering if that one slip we had around O time is going to lead to the pregnancy I've dreamed of?

Why can't I turn the pregnancy monitor on my FF chart off?

Why did I feel the need this morning to check with Dr. Google to see when my first trimester might end if I actually was pregnant?

Why, when my chart has shown countless false implantation dips, did I feel that little flutter of hope when I entered my temp this morning?

I don't want this summer to be wasted in that limbo between worry and hope. Where is that peace that I hoped to feel?