Knowledge Is Power

OMG Humble Readers!

Who ever would have thought that time spent on Pinterest would lead to a personal epiphany?  I mean this is life changing for me.

All my life I have thought I was nuts, wackadoodle, and maybe even a little bit crazy.  No joke.  There have been moments when I have felt like I was just going to snap and go completely insane. 

All because of sounds.  Certain sounds. 

Sounds like that of people eating, smacking their lips, or gulping when they drink.  The sound of crinkling plastic wrappers, like chip bags or candy wrappers.  The sound of typing.  People who walk heavily or stomp.  And then there is the unknown, unexpected sounds that get me, like the fan in our living room that has begun to squeak. 

Think back to Pippin's birth story.  Remember my roommate who had a serious snot-sucking issue?  There was actually a point where I had to leave the room, or I knew I was going to scream my lungs out. 

These sounds trigger an amazing, involuntary response in my body.  It's physical.  My skin crawls, in some extreme cases I feel like I'm going to throw up, and there is an irrational anger that blasts through me.  The number of times I have said, "I'm going to punch you in the face if you don't close your mouth when you eat" to my Beloved would startle you.  And the scary thing is, in that brief moment I actually feel like I could.  I would absolutely never do it, but the inclination is there.

Do you see why I thought I was crazy?

For me, I can usually handle the sounds for a brief period of time.  But it's like it just builds and builds until I snap.  Throughout my life, I have learned little coping techniques.  Things like white noise, music, or leaving the situation (like my hospital room) all help.  Usually once I voice my frustration, the stress level lessens significantly. 

And I have always felt ridiculous and guilty for these responses

Tonight, when I was perusing Pinterest, I came across a pin about Misophonia.  It literally means "hatred for sound", and is sometimes known as Selective Sound Sensitivity.  It's an actual brain disorder that affects many people.  From the little bit of reading I have done tonight, I seem to have a relatively 'light' form of it.  Some people fly into uncontrollable rages, or end up isolating themselves entirely.

I feel like a weight has been lifted.  I know that just having a name for this absurdity that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember somehow eases things a bit.  Honestly, I'm not nuts!

Knowing that this is an actual thing won't make me less crazy the next time I'm sitting across the table from someone who grunts or smacks their lips when they eat.  But, I think it will help alleviate the guilt I feel for my responses to these sounds. 

Pinterest as therapy?  Who knew?

(Yes, I know that self diagnosing via the internet is dangerous.  But reading many of these peoples' stories is like looking into a mirror.  I'm not the only one!)