Saturday, August 13, 2011

The Second Time Around

Hey Humble Readers...

I have struggled with this post for a few weeks, but I think I am ready to put this out there.

It isn't a secret that I thought I was ready to start ttc again pretty much right away after Ginny was born.  Given our history, I wanted to get right back at it.  I'm going to be 37 this fall, and my Beloved turns the big 4-0 in a matter of days now.  To that end, I started temping and charting again as soon as AF showed up the first time, at three months post partum. 

And it was right in that time frame that the dreaded PPD started it's beat down on me.  So, there I was, freaking out about wonky temps, my late O, and (omg is this for real??) 14 day luteal phase, while feeling like complete crap about myself.  And then the financial woes came on.  Oh, and how about that completely non-existent libido? 

Do you see the problem here?  I'm putting all kinds of pressure on myself to achieve something that it took 3 years to do the first time around, and I am in a piss poor emotional state and stressed to the max.  Not a great situation.

So, after some tearful discussions with my Beloved, I stopped temping, and put the thermometer away.  I stopped tracking my cycle entirely.  I put my FF account on hold. 

I'm sure that some of you understand this.  For someone who has spent the last 3 years being beyond intimately acquainted with the inner workings of her reproductive system, just allowing things to do what they will, without any sort of acknowledgement or critique, has driven me insane.  While I know it does nothing, tracking my cycle gave me a sense of direction, of having an element of control over something impossible to cognitively control.  The same questions roll through my head constantly.  When did AF start?  Did I O?  Has my LP gone back to 11-12 days?  Good God, am I pregnant? 

I wanted to tear my hair out.  I wanted to scream, 'WTF is going on?'.  I berated myself for not paying closer attention to the date (I tend to lose track of time now that I'm not working outside the home).  Phantom symptoms were just as bad as they were before Ginny.  And poor Kristin has had to put up with hopeful and sadly resigned emails from me every few weeks.  (Thank you, friend)

Yeah, the insanity is still there. 

And that makes me wonder, will it ever go away?  How in the world did I get through each cycle so nonchalantly before TTC entered my life? Will I ever be 'normal' again?

Not tracking my cycle was supposed to ease the stress, but instead, it's just added a whole new level of angst.  And then of course there's something akin to survivor's guilt that keeps me from wanting to talk about these frustrations here, the place that should be the safest.  The merry-go-round just keeps turning.

So, for good or ill, with my next cycle I will be back to tracking and temping.  I will be checking my cm and evaluating the minute twinges I feel.  We will officially be back into the world of ttc and, please God, may it not take as long or be as fraught with landmines as last time around. 

A hobbit can only take this level of insanity for so long.  The insanity you know is always better than that which you don't know, right?  It has to be. 

(Oh, I'm somewhere between 8-10dpo, I think.  Happy tww!)


  1. I am a total control freak and I know I'd be so much happier knowing where I am in my cycle than not. But it hasn't occurred to me to wonder how I will cope post baby. Will I ever be able to be ignorant of my cycles again? I don't think so! Don't feel guilty - by expressing your feelings you are helping so many other women understand and not feel so alone! xxx

  2. This was the second month I didn't track anything, but I had it all done for me at the fertility clinic with so many blood draws and u/s that I felt temping would just be pure overkill!!! LOL. The break actually felt kind of nice to me, I'll have to admit. Good luck for #2, I really hope it is much easier this go around - wouldn't that just be so nice! So does this mean we can be friends on FF again?? LOL!!!! :P Thanks for all your lovely notes whilst I was away on holidays, I appreciated them all and you know I will be more than glad to join on the nightstand for this week! I will sign up for the linky! :)

  3. Hoping and praying your wait is a short one this time around (and not because of the emails...because I want you to have your heart's desire).

  4. I hope Halfling 2.0 is easier to make than 1.0. If we are ever lucky enough to get pregnant and leave with a baby I imagine I will feel the same about TTC right away.
    Fingers crossed that you have good news soon!


Hobbits are social creatures, and love hearing from friends old and new. Pull up a comfy chair and let's get to know one another.