The Second Time Around

Hey Humble Readers...

I have struggled with this post for a few weeks, but I think I am ready to put this out there.

It isn't a secret that I thought I was ready to start ttc again pretty much right away after Ginny was born.  Given our history, I wanted to get right back at it.  I'm going to be 37 this fall, and my Beloved turns the big 4-0 in a matter of days now.  To that end, I started temping and charting again as soon as AF showed up the first time, at three months post partum. 

And it was right in that time frame that the dreaded PPD started it's beat down on me.  So, there I was, freaking out about wonky temps, my late O, and (omg is this for real??) 14 day luteal phase, while feeling like complete crap about myself.  And then the financial woes came on.  Oh, and how about that completely non-existent libido? 

Do you see the problem here?  I'm putting all kinds of pressure on myself to achieve something that it took 3 years to do the first time around, and I am in a piss poor emotional state and stressed to the max.  Not a great situation.

So, after some tearful discussions with my Beloved, I stopped temping, and put the thermometer away.  I stopped tracking my cycle entirely.  I put my FF account on hold. 

I'm sure that some of you understand this.  For someone who has spent the last 3 years being beyond intimately acquainted with the inner workings of her reproductive system, just allowing things to do what they will, without any sort of acknowledgement or critique, has driven me insane.  While I know it does nothing, tracking my cycle gave me a sense of direction, of having an element of control over something impossible to cognitively control.  The same questions roll through my head constantly.  When did AF start?  Did I O?  Has my LP gone back to 11-12 days?  Good God, am I pregnant? 

I wanted to tear my hair out.  I wanted to scream, 'WTF is going on?'.  I berated myself for not paying closer attention to the date (I tend to lose track of time now that I'm not working outside the home).  Phantom symptoms were just as bad as they were before Ginny.  And poor Kristin has had to put up with hopeful and sadly resigned emails from me every few weeks.  (Thank you, friend)

Yeah, the insanity is still there. 

And that makes me wonder, will it ever go away?  How in the world did I get through each cycle so nonchalantly before TTC entered my life? Will I ever be 'normal' again?

Not tracking my cycle was supposed to ease the stress, but instead, it's just added a whole new level of angst.  And then of course there's something akin to survivor's guilt that keeps me from wanting to talk about these frustrations here, the place that should be the safest.  The merry-go-round just keeps turning.

So, for good or ill, with my next cycle I will be back to tracking and temping.  I will be checking my cm and evaluating the minute twinges I feel.  We will officially be back into the world of ttc and, please God, may it not take as long or be as fraught with landmines as last time around. 

A hobbit can only take this level of insanity for so long.  The insanity you know is always better than that which you don't know, right?  It has to be. 

(Oh, I'm somewhere between 8-10dpo, I think.  Happy tww!)