Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I Can't Shut It Off...

I have said it here, and I've made it clear to those in my life who know about our IF journey... we are on a break! Taking the summer off from actively trying, relaxing a bit, but mostly so that I don't have to worry about being in my first trimester while we are in NYC.

So why can't I shut off that part of my brain?

Why can't I stop wondering if that one slip we had around O time is going to lead to the pregnancy I've dreamed of?

Why can't I turn the pregnancy monitor on my FF chart off?

Why did I feel the need this morning to check with Dr. Google to see when my first trimester might end if I actually was pregnant?

Why, when my chart has shown countless false implantation dips, did I feel that little flutter of hope when I entered my temp this morning?

I don't want this summer to be wasted in that limbo between worry and hope. Where is that peace that I hoped to feel?


  1. Hi, I'm new to your blog. I also had 2 blighted ovums.

    I have been following your blog for a few weeks now and thought it was time to introduce myself.

    Just wanted to say that I guess even though you are taking a "break" it is still hard to turn that switch off, impossible I think.

  2. The peace comes. I went through the same thing. We are on a bit of a break (not trying but not preventing either). It took a few cycles for my obsessiveness to calm down but it did. I don't think it will ever go completely away only because this process makes you so aware and knowledgable about your body that it is impossible to ignore.

  3. When we had to wait the three months after the D&C, I was in agony. I couldn't bear the thought of putting off ttc. We were waiting for test results but no one overtly said, "don't try". We decided that we should wait to see what our circumstances were. Trust me, there were times when I thought, "screw it, let's try" and see what happens. I found my willpower somewhere.

    I'm glad I waited (for obvious reasons) but it doesn't mean it was easy. Hang in there hon. I feel for you and know how it is. You'll make it.

  4. I don't think there is an off switch...for me a break just means that I'm not going to the RE, giving myself shots, calling for blood work results, etc. There is always the "what if" that keeps that part of the brain turned on. I'm praying that you find peace and that your mind allows you to relax and enjoy this break!


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