I Can't Shut It Off...

I have said it here, and I've made it clear to those in my life who know about our IF journey... we are on a break! Taking the summer off from actively trying, relaxing a bit, but mostly so that I don't have to worry about being in my first trimester while we are in NYC.

So why can't I shut off that part of my brain?

Why can't I stop wondering if that one slip we had around O time is going to lead to the pregnancy I've dreamed of?

Why can't I turn the pregnancy monitor on my FF chart off?

Why did I feel the need this morning to check with Dr. Google to see when my first trimester might end if I actually was pregnant?

Why, when my chart has shown countless false implantation dips, did I feel that little flutter of hope when I entered my temp this morning?

I don't want this summer to be wasted in that limbo between worry and hope. Where is that peace that I hoped to feel?

Show & Tell: Anti-Bitterness

A lot of people have been apologizing to me lately.

A co-worker in my office... "I'm sorry. Does the picture of my new niece on my desk bother you?"

A staff-member who's pregnant... "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be talking about my pregnancy."

My Beloved, at a restaurant this week, after pointing out an adorable little one... "I'm sorry. Is it too hard on you to see that?"

I just want to scream at everyone to stop.

Yes, I have lost two babies. Yes, it is something that is still very much a part of my daily life. Yes, I deal with jealousy every day when I see others' babies and pregnancies. Yes, I am envious of the girls who get knocked up without seeming to try. Yes, I have packed away all the reminders of babies in my house. Yes, I am an infertile!

But that doesn't mean that I am bitter 24/7. That doesn't mean that I hate the sight of all babies.

Back in January, February, even March, if you had asked if I was ok with celebrating others' babies and pregnancies, I wouldn't have been able to give you a positive answer. But even in my darkest moments I recognized that my pain and bitterness were just that, mine.

There are fortunate people who get pregnant easily, and carry their babies to term without a whole lot of difficulty. Do I envy them? Yes! Do I hate them or avoid them like the plague? No!

I love babies. I think that pregnant women are beautiful. I rejoice when I hear that a friend in RL or in the blogosphere announce that they have succeeded where I have failed. I love to make stupid faces at the teeny ones who make their way into my store. I coo and make an idiot of myself over babies regularly. Have I said it loud enough? I LOVE BABIES!

I hate being infertile. I hate that it has become a part of my identity in a way that I can't escape. I hate that it has changed my view on something that I had always thought would be so simple for me.

But I hope that I will never be bitter about a baby. Babies are cause for celebration! They are hope, faith and love personified.

I just want one of my own.

(I don't mean this post as a judgement on anyone who is struggleing to feel happy about a friend's baby or pregnancy. Your feelings are yours and are therefore correct for whatever situation you are currently facing.)

I know that this isn't a typical Show & Tell post, but it's where I'm at today. If you want to see a collection of more normal showing and telling, head on over to Mel's and see what the rest of the class is up to.