A lot of people have been apologizing to me lately.
A co-worker in my office... "I'm sorry. Does the picture of my new niece on my desk bother you?"
A staff-member who's pregnant... "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be talking about my pregnancy."
My Beloved, at a restaurant this week, after pointing out an adorable little one... "I'm sorry. Is it too hard on you to see that?"
I just want to scream at everyone to stop.
Yes, I have lost two babies. Yes, it is something that is still very much a part of my daily life. Yes, I deal with jealousy every day when I see others' babies and pregnancies. Yes, I am envious of the girls who get knocked up without seeming to try. Yes, I have packed away all the reminders of babies in my house. Yes, I am an infertile!
But that doesn't mean that I am bitter 24/7. That doesn't mean that I hate the sight of all babies.
Back in January, February, even March, if you had asked if I was ok with celebrating others' babies and pregnancies, I wouldn't have been able to give you a positive answer. But even in my darkest moments I recognized that my pain and bitterness were just that, mine.
There are fortunate people who get pregnant easily, and carry their babies to term without a whole lot of difficulty. Do I envy them? Yes! Do I hate them or avoid them like the plague? No!
I love babies. I think that pregnant women are beautiful. I rejoice when I hear that a friend in RL or in the blogosphere announce that they have succeeded where I have failed. I love to make stupid faces at the teeny ones who make their way into my store. I coo and make an idiot of myself over babies regularly. Have I said it loud enough? I LOVE BABIES!
I hate being infertile. I hate that it has become a part of my identity in a way that I can't escape. I hate that it has changed my view on something that I had always thought would be so simple for me.
But I hope that I will never be bitter about a baby. Babies are cause for celebration! They are hope, faith and love personified.
I just want one of my own.
(I don't mean this post as a judgement on anyone who is struggleing to feel happy about a friend's baby or pregnancy. Your feelings are yours and are therefore correct for whatever situation you are currently facing.)
I know that this isn't a typical Show & Tell post, but it's where I'm at today. If you want to see a collection of more normal showing and telling, head on over to Mel's and see what the rest of the class is up to.
What a kind heart you have and your outlook on your own infertility and losses is nothing less than admirable.
ReplyDeleteEven after having a child of my own after infertility, I still struggle with jealousy and bitterness while going through my second round of IF.
One of my best friends just found out she's preggo, and she asked me last night how I was doing with everyone gushing about her pregnancy around me. I told her (and this is not always the case, but very much the case with her) that my sadness at my own issues does not take away the joy I feel for her.
I'm glad you're in the place right now...I wish I could stay her all the time.
Oh hun, I have been there and I don't forget what that feels like. It's frustrating to come so close and have it all ripped away from you and then afterwards to have everyone tiptoe around you as if you might suddenly explode in a fit of anger and sadness (Not that we don't but just usually not in public).
ReplyDeleteI love that you care so much about other people. I can hardly imagine you ever being bitter but I wish I could take your sadness away for you.
Thank you for your kind soul. Even in the darker days, you have always been a great support and source of comfort. I'm honoured to have you cheer me along in this journey. (((HUGS)))
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I wish you lots of luck and love on your journey.
ReplyDeleteIF is so hard for people to understand. You don't want to be the person that people are avoiding or not talkinga bout pregnancy in front of but then again it does sting somewhat if that is ALL people are talking about. On a positive note at least people are acknowledging your pain but then again to be called out everytime doesn't make you feel better either. I guess the best thing to say is wouldn't it be great if we weren't infertile?
ReplyDeleteYour outlook for other people is great. I have not been so gracious at time.
What a wonderful way to look at life, not just through you own lense but others.
ReplyDeleteMrs. Gamgee---your positive outlook is SO wonderful! ((HUGS!))
ReplyDeletei think positivity breeds positivity... so hooray to you and your wonderfully balanced outlook!
ReplyDeleteLove your outlook and am proud to say I share it, always have. Its not always easy, but i so feel this way when i see hear or learn of someone being and staying pregnant. Thanks for posting this today.
ReplyDeleteYou know it is in our toughest spots, that the true mettle is tested. I love your attitude and second that! I am an infertile, but that does not make me hate fertiles...
ReplyDeleteWell though, what has suddenly spurred so much consideration?
You have a kind and expansive heart, Mrs Gamgee.
ReplyDeleteI giggled at your last sentence.
I'm inspired by you to try to be happier for my sister-in-law. Thank you for sharing your positivity with us!
ReplyDeleteI really admire you outlook. Great post.
ReplyDeleteAs frustrating as it is, at lease people are trying to be sensitive and considerate.
What a fabulous outlook on things.
ReplyDeletewhat a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a beautiful amazing woman! I am so very glad i am able to read this today. It filled me with happiness. Thank you!
ReplyDelete*HUGS*
m'dear, it's been a long time since i checked your blog. i had no idea. wow. life is just hard sometimes. i miss you lots! thanks for sharing what's on your mind.
ReplyDelete(i'm going with the "name" Jason gave me -- just so you know)
So first of all, that's a pretty cool picture of limes and lemons.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I understand this a lot. I often find myself feeling the same way. I love seeing kids and babies have fun. I'm fascinated by pregnancy. It's only when things are really bad (after a failed cycle) or when it's overwhelming (too many kids at disneyland) that I sort of lose it a bit.
Wow you have a great outlook on life and you express this so well I feel the same LOVE babies I just hate that I'm infertile.
ReplyDeleteThough I'm not sure I would cope so well after loss.
Thank you so much for sharing !