Hey Humble Readers...
I fully intended a different post for today, but something has pre-empted it.
I had a horrible nightmare last night. This morning actually, as I was woken from it by my alarm. I will say, when I told my Beloved about it, his initial response was to chuckle a bit.
You see, in the nightmare I was pregnant.
In the dream, I had just found out I was pregnant, and I was distraught. Beyond all the practical concerns (like the fact that the hobbit-hole is just too small and we're stuck here for the next couple of years, and that we have been systematically getting rid of all our baby stuff as Pip has outgrown it), I was terrified because I wasn't sure I could face another pregnancy and delivery. In the dream, I was racing to the doctor's office (which oddly was in the mall), praying that I wasn't really pregnant, and then at the same time battling guilt over not wanting another baby, and fearing that my not wanting the pregnancy would cause me to miscarry.
I know that there are many women who deal with so much more than I had to during pregnancy. But with the constant fear that dogged me, particularly during my pregnancy with Pip (inconclusive test results, fear of miscarriage, etc) and my health concerns (gestational diabetes, blood pressure issues, placenta previa), I am 100% happy with the assurance that I won't ever be pregnant again. Not to mention, the fact that I never ever want to experience a delivery like the one I had with Pip... the C-section from hell with little to no anesthetic.
I tried to shake off the fear and the anxiety that the dream elicited, but it took until my third lap of the neighbourhood on my walk before I felt the tightness in my throat ease and my anxiety start to let up. At one point, when I was passing the hospital (on the far end of my lap of the neighbourhood) I actually almost started to cry, just because I couldn't imagine having to make myself go back in there to have a baby.
I have a pretty good idea where the dream came from (not that it's been my first pregnancy dream since Pip was born). Call it the perfect storm of baby-ness.
When I transferred all of my clothes from my old dresser to the new last week, I came across a couple of old hpts. I thought I had gotten rid of all of them, but there at the back of my bottom drawer was a Ziploc bag with a couple from my pregnancy with Ginny. It was just a little jarring, because they triggered so many memories of how I felt when I first got the positives with my wee sweet girl, as well as how hard it was for me to throw away the positive tests I got from Emily and Olivia (our lost ones... those tests had been the only tangible link I had to the reality of their existence).
Also, two years ago tomorrow, we found out that Pip was on the way. We were thrilled, even though I was intensely anxious about how to handle a pregnancy and a 16 month old. I had no idea how that anxiety would increase over the coming months. My current cycle has followed that particular cycle almost exactly (was ovulating on my Beloved's birthday, just like I was two years ago), and the coincidence has been niggling at the back of my mind the last few days.
And lastly, tomorrow is also noteworthy because five years ago I was 11 weeks pregnant, and I woke up spotting. It was supposed to be my first day back at work after a week off. Instead, it was the day that I stopped trusting my body. Our Emily Hope would be four now.
I think all of these things, piled up together, contributed to the dream. But no matter what, it was a scary dream that I want to fade into oblivion.
AF is due by the end of the week, if not before, and honestly I've never been so ready for her to get here. The legacy of IF is a bitch...
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
A Sputtering Spark
Howdy Humble Readers...
Almost two weeks ago, I read this post over at Too Many Fish To Fry, and I said "YES! I NEED TO DO THIS!" (Please take a moment and go read it. It's awesome!) I was smiling as I read it and I started to feel myself getting excited...
Spending the summer focussing on my dream. On that thing that gets me excited. Eight weeks to get out of this rut in which I seem to be stuck. It sounded great, until...
WHAM! It was like I ran straight into a plate glass window.
What the hell is my dream?
What do I get excited about these days? I can tell you, not a whole heck of a lot.
When I was 19, my dream was to go to college, get my degree in youth and family ministry and get a position in a church working with kids and teens and families. I worked two full time jobs in order to save for school. I went to college (one of the best experiences of my life), got my degree (and learned a LOT about myself and my faith), and made some great friends. After graduation, I got a position in a church just as I had hoped, prayed, and dreamed. That job transitioned into another position a continent away. Unfortunately, I hadn't learned how to defend my personal boundaries, and I crashed and burned out after four years.
So I moved home, not sure what was next. Yes, with my parents. And it was rather propitious that I did. Later that year, my mom got lung cancer. The jobs I worked at the time weren't what I would call dream jobs (my parents' office, a grocery store, and a Christian bookstore, although I'd always joked that if I ever left ministry I would likely work in a bookstore), my primary role in that timeframe was to look after my mom. During those seven years, mom would develop and recover from five different types of cancer. While it wasn't something I grew up dreaming about doing, taking care of my mom was important and I'm glad I was able to do it.
The year that Mom was recovering from lymphoma was the year I met my Beloved, and a different dream took hold. Yes, of course, I had always hoped I would get married. By this time I was 31, and statistically I was more likely to get hit by a bus than get married, so I wasn't sure anything would come of it, but I sure hoped. That dream came true in a big way, and here we are a little over seven years from when we met, married and living a good life.
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the hobbit with a baby carriage... Right? That was the dream. That was the plan. Of course, we all know how that went. Two losses in quick succession, and a diagnosis of recurrent pregnancy loss due to (primarily) a progesterone deficiency and (secondarily) advanced maternal age.
IF/RPL took over my life. I immersed myself in books, online forums, and of course the ALI community. Like most dealing with IF, trying to conceive became the preeminent thing I thought about. Taking my temperature every morning, watching for changes in my cm, scheduling our love life around the vagaries of my reproductive system, and then the dance of phantom symptoms that messed with my mind and my hopes month after month. I ate, slept, and breathed the process.
And miraculously, thankfully, we were blessed with our precious wee-lings. I love being a mom. I am completely thrilled that, while it's a challenge, we are able to make things work so that I can stay home with Ginny and Pip. Being a mom isn't always fun, but it is rewarding. And what I'm about to say in no way is meant to imply that I don't value being a stay at home mom.
I think I've lost my dreams.
Yeah, I have the vague ideas of stuff that I dream about. A bigger home (where both wee-lings can have their own rooms, and we could have a second bathroom), travel with my Beloved (the UK, Europe, Africa, all around our beautiful continent), what my next 'career' might be when the wee-lings go to school.
But I don't have anything that gets me excited, that inspires me, that gets my juices flowing.
Yes, the weightloss thing is great. I'm glad that I'm getting to a healthier weight and learning to control my blood sugars long term. But it's a necessity, not a passion. I'm never going to be a fitness junkie who talks about the beauty of the runner's high.
I love books and movies. I get excited about upcoming releases (sometimes excessively so), but as soon as the book has been read or the movie watched the high of the anticipation fades.
Cooking is fun, but I have never felt the inclination to do anything with it other than make good food that my family and I enjoy.
Crafting is hit or miss for me. Knitting never stuck. Crochet and scrapbooking just don't work for me. I can't draw. Cross stitch can be enjoyable when my dyslexia isn't messing me up. I'm not gifted in photography or music.
Pinterest and Criminal Minds reruns have become my hobby. And how very sad is that?
This state of affairs concerns me. A lot. I don't want to be one of those stay at home moms who loses themselves entirely into the world of 'home'. I don't want to become my sister, who talks about the same things every day (the school doesn't open the doors early even when it's snowing/raining/windy, nobody had better mess up her clean kitchen, the amount of homework given to fifth graders is appalling, what a cow her MIL is, the other school-moms who drive big SUVs that they don't know how to park).
I want to have something interesting to say, something that gets me fired up...
It goes beyond 'want'. I NEED to be someone outside of being a mummy, for the sake of my children, my marriage, and myself. But what the hell does that mean? What does that look like in my life?
Where did I put my 'spark of madness'?
I want to set some goals. I want to see some progress being made. I want to feel like I've accomplished something. I just don't know what I'm working toward.
Almost two weeks ago, I read this post over at Too Many Fish To Fry, and I said "YES! I NEED TO DO THIS!" (Please take a moment and go read it. It's awesome!) I was smiling as I read it and I started to feel myself getting excited...
Spending the summer focussing on my dream. On that thing that gets me excited. Eight weeks to get out of this rut in which I seem to be stuck. It sounded great, until...
WHAM! It was like I ran straight into a plate glass window.
What the hell is my dream?
What do I get excited about these days? I can tell you, not a whole heck of a lot.
When I was 19, my dream was to go to college, get my degree in youth and family ministry and get a position in a church working with kids and teens and families. I worked two full time jobs in order to save for school. I went to college (one of the best experiences of my life), got my degree (and learned a LOT about myself and my faith), and made some great friends. After graduation, I got a position in a church just as I had hoped, prayed, and dreamed. That job transitioned into another position a continent away. Unfortunately, I hadn't learned how to defend my personal boundaries, and I crashed and burned out after four years.
So I moved home, not sure what was next. Yes, with my parents. And it was rather propitious that I did. Later that year, my mom got lung cancer. The jobs I worked at the time weren't what I would call dream jobs (my parents' office, a grocery store, and a Christian bookstore, although I'd always joked that if I ever left ministry I would likely work in a bookstore), my primary role in that timeframe was to look after my mom. During those seven years, mom would develop and recover from five different types of cancer. While it wasn't something I grew up dreaming about doing, taking care of my mom was important and I'm glad I was able to do it.
The year that Mom was recovering from lymphoma was the year I met my Beloved, and a different dream took hold. Yes, of course, I had always hoped I would get married. By this time I was 31, and statistically I was more likely to get hit by a bus than get married, so I wasn't sure anything would come of it, but I sure hoped. That dream came true in a big way, and here we are a little over seven years from when we met, married and living a good life.
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the hobbit with a baby carriage... Right? That was the dream. That was the plan. Of course, we all know how that went. Two losses in quick succession, and a diagnosis of recurrent pregnancy loss due to (primarily) a progesterone deficiency and (secondarily) advanced maternal age.
IF/RPL took over my life. I immersed myself in books, online forums, and of course the ALI community. Like most dealing with IF, trying to conceive became the preeminent thing I thought about. Taking my temperature every morning, watching for changes in my cm, scheduling our love life around the vagaries of my reproductive system, and then the dance of phantom symptoms that messed with my mind and my hopes month after month. I ate, slept, and breathed the process.
And miraculously, thankfully, we were blessed with our precious wee-lings. I love being a mom. I am completely thrilled that, while it's a challenge, we are able to make things work so that I can stay home with Ginny and Pip. Being a mom isn't always fun, but it is rewarding. And what I'm about to say in no way is meant to imply that I don't value being a stay at home mom.
I think I've lost my dreams.
Yeah, I have the vague ideas of stuff that I dream about. A bigger home (where both wee-lings can have their own rooms, and we could have a second bathroom), travel with my Beloved (the UK, Europe, Africa, all around our beautiful continent), what my next 'career' might be when the wee-lings go to school.
But I don't have anything that gets me excited, that inspires me, that gets my juices flowing.
Yes, the weightloss thing is great. I'm glad that I'm getting to a healthier weight and learning to control my blood sugars long term. But it's a necessity, not a passion. I'm never going to be a fitness junkie who talks about the beauty of the runner's high.
I love books and movies. I get excited about upcoming releases (sometimes excessively so), but as soon as the book has been read or the movie watched the high of the anticipation fades.
Cooking is fun, but I have never felt the inclination to do anything with it other than make good food that my family and I enjoy.
Crafting is hit or miss for me. Knitting never stuck. Crochet and scrapbooking just don't work for me. I can't draw. Cross stitch can be enjoyable when my dyslexia isn't messing me up. I'm not gifted in photography or music.
Pinterest and Criminal Minds reruns have become my hobby. And how very sad is that?
This state of affairs concerns me. A lot. I don't want to be one of those stay at home moms who loses themselves entirely into the world of 'home'. I don't want to become my sister, who talks about the same things every day (the school doesn't open the doors early even when it's snowing/raining/windy, nobody had better mess up her clean kitchen, the amount of homework given to fifth graders is appalling, what a cow her MIL is, the other school-moms who drive big SUVs that they don't know how to park).
I want to have something interesting to say, something that gets me fired up...
It goes beyond 'want'. I NEED to be someone outside of being a mummy, for the sake of my children, my marriage, and myself. But what the hell does that mean? What does that look like in my life?
Where did I put my 'spark of madness'?
I want to set some goals. I want to see some progress being made. I want to feel like I've accomplished something. I just don't know what I'm working toward.
Monday, May 7, 2012
A Hobbit-ish Life List
Hey Humble Readers...
A few days ago, Kristin over at Dragondreamer's Lair posted her Not-A-Bucket List, and I felt inspired to do the same.
You know me and lists.
I'm not a big fan of the term 'bucket list', because of the quasi-negative, death related connotations. And when I was in college, I had a prof who referred to this sort of thing as a 'life list', things I hope to do in this life.
I think we all have one of these lists, in some form or another. And I think it's important that the list keeps changing and growing, just as we should. It shouldn't be a finite thing. My list has changed as I have developed new interests, and as I have accomplished some of my hopes and dreams
So without further ado...
In this life, I hope to
What's on your life list?
A few days ago, Kristin over at Dragondreamer's Lair posted her Not-A-Bucket List, and I felt inspired to do the same.
You know me and lists.
I'm not a big fan of the term 'bucket list', because of the quasi-negative, death related connotations. And when I was in college, I had a prof who referred to this sort of thing as a 'life list', things I hope to do in this life.
I think we all have one of these lists, in some form or another. And I think it's important that the list keeps changing and growing, just as we should. It shouldn't be a finite thing. My list has changed as I have developed new interests, and as I have accomplished some of my hopes and dreams
So without further ado...
In this life, I hope to
- Write a novel (with a beginning, middle, and end).
- Travel
- Visit all ten provinces and three territories.
- Visit all fifty states
- Travel extensively in Europe (including the UK, Russia, Germany, Spain, Italy, Greece)
- Go on Safari in Africa
- Go on a cruise (not a Carribean or Alaskan cruise... something more interesting, like a European river cruise or a retracing of the Titanic voyage)
- Go on a mission/service trip to Tanzania, and work with the Lutheran Masai Girls School that's affiliated with my alma mater.
- Learn to sew.
- Successfully grow basil and tomatoes (I'm just asking for one season's worth).
- Take my children to Disney World.
- Hear my heirloom violin played, perferably by one of my children or grandchildren.
- Learn to take better pictures
- Own a Montblanc fountain pen
- Go to an Antiques Roadshow event
- Weigh less than my Beloved
- Spend a night in a castle
- Track my family tree
- Write a cookbook
- Own a pug
- Bake a cake from scratch that doesn't taste like sawdust
- Figure out what my next career will be
What's on your life list?
Friday, June 25, 2010
Have I Mentioned...
... how thankful I am for my doppler?
Humble Readers, last night I had the most horrible dream. I dreamt that I had misscarried again and it was awful. I woke up in tears and was feeling really panicky.
Once I was really awake, I needed some reassurance. I know it was just a dream, but I needed to know everything was okay. Using the doppler immediately brought me peace. That beautiful thumpity-thumpity-thumpity was perfect.
A couple of friends irl have laughed at my 'paranoia', but no one can tell me that we wasted the money renting one.
Humble Readers, last night I had the most horrible dream. I dreamt that I had misscarried again and it was awful. I woke up in tears and was feeling really panicky.
Once I was really awake, I needed some reassurance. I know it was just a dream, but I needed to know everything was okay. Using the doppler immediately brought me peace. That beautiful thumpity-thumpity-thumpity was perfect.
A couple of friends irl have laughed at my 'paranoia', but no one can tell me that we wasted the money renting one.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Hobbit-ish Potpurri: Week 6
Good Evening Humble Readers...
Has this ever been a long week! Nothing terrible or anything, but really long. I've been so exhausted that it's all I can do to get myself out the door for work each day.
*****
Perhaps the exhaustion is connected to the crazy insomnia I've had. I'm totally pooped at night and fall asleep by 10:30, but I wake up around 2am and am awake for anywhere from 45 minutes to a couple of hours. Of course it could also be connected to the crazy dreams I've been having (the most memorable involved me visiting a 'friend' with a newborn in a hospital in New Jersey. I have no idea who the friend was, and the baby had four eyes... and I don't mean glasses!).
*****
Red meat is pretty well off the menu for the next while. And dark green veggies. And processed cheese. However, tomatoes totally rock!
*****
I've finally gotten my backside in gear and made a hair appointment. It shouldn't be something to procrastinate about, right? Nothing complicated, right? Well, even after living in this town for almost three years, I still don't have a regular hairdresser. I'm trying another new salon, in hopes that I might find someone that I feel comfortable with. I wish I would have done this a month and half ago... my roots are an absolute nightmare and will have to stay that way until the end of May. But, I'm getting a haircut... no more bangs in my eyes or split ends. I'm going to ask about a different shampoo/conditioner. I've always just used drug store brands, but I'm getting more and more frustrated with the oiliness of my hair (you'd think I was back in highschool).
*****
After several weeks of absolutely gorgeous spring-like weather, the winter has reared it's ugly head for a final (we hope) blast of snow and wind. And when I say wind... holy crappola Humble Readers... it's been blowing from the northwest for three days now and people are starting to get a little buggy. This usually happens once in April and then once in May. Remind me why I live here again?
*****
My Beloved preached again tonight. He got a lot of good comments after last time (even though it was a rushed service) and he did a great job again tonight. There are a few things that he needs to work on, but it looks like he might have a semi regular gig doing this, at least while we are without a pastor.
*****
I hope you are all having a great weekend! We are off to the MIL's tomorrow afternoon.
Has this ever been a long week! Nothing terrible or anything, but really long. I've been so exhausted that it's all I can do to get myself out the door for work each day.
*****
Perhaps the exhaustion is connected to the crazy insomnia I've had. I'm totally pooped at night and fall asleep by 10:30, but I wake up around 2am and am awake for anywhere from 45 minutes to a couple of hours. Of course it could also be connected to the crazy dreams I've been having (the most memorable involved me visiting a 'friend' with a newborn in a hospital in New Jersey. I have no idea who the friend was, and the baby had four eyes... and I don't mean glasses!).
*****
Red meat is pretty well off the menu for the next while. And dark green veggies. And processed cheese. However, tomatoes totally rock!
*****
I've finally gotten my backside in gear and made a hair appointment. It shouldn't be something to procrastinate about, right? Nothing complicated, right? Well, even after living in this town for almost three years, I still don't have a regular hairdresser. I'm trying another new salon, in hopes that I might find someone that I feel comfortable with. I wish I would have done this a month and half ago... my roots are an absolute nightmare and will have to stay that way until the end of May. But, I'm getting a haircut... no more bangs in my eyes or split ends. I'm going to ask about a different shampoo/conditioner. I've always just used drug store brands, but I'm getting more and more frustrated with the oiliness of my hair (you'd think I was back in highschool).
*****
After several weeks of absolutely gorgeous spring-like weather, the winter has reared it's ugly head for a final (we hope) blast of snow and wind. And when I say wind... holy crappola Humble Readers... it's been blowing from the northwest for three days now and people are starting to get a little buggy. This usually happens once in April and then once in May. Remind me why I live here again?
*****
My Beloved preached again tonight. He got a lot of good comments after last time (even though it was a rushed service) and he did a great job again tonight. There are a few things that he needs to work on, but it looks like he might have a semi regular gig doing this, at least while we are without a pastor.
*****
I hope you are all having a great weekend! We are off to the MIL's tomorrow afternoon.
Monday, June 29, 2009
So Many Things To Ponder
The last couple of days have been eventful, to say the least... Some things are still percolating, so be prepared for some (what I hope are) interesting posts over the next few days. I don't want this to be a Potpurri post... but I think I need to get some of it out of my head so that there's room to process the rest. While alone, none of these things are really that are mind-blowing, but taken together they are distracting.So, my weekend in a nutshell:
- Friday afternoon: did my first Wii Ac.tive workout, almost died!
- Saturday morning: went to the farmer's market, ran into a staff member who told me a fabulous customer story. I will tell more about it later, but it involves Mel's book!
- Saturday morning: hung around downtown taking pictures, mostly to get some practice with the camera. Went for lunch at a Fijian restaurant.
- Saturday afternoon: came home and died after walking all morning with super sore legs (from Friday workout). Made a lazy supper and went to the movie theater to see "Up".
- Saturday evening: got to the theater, but the line was stupidly long so we bought tickets for the late showing. Decided to go look for a new computer monitor, but got distracted by the mini laptops. Got terrible service at two different (national chainselectronics stores, and ended up leaving both without purchasing. Went and saw the movie, cried my eyes out.
- Sundsay morning: went to church, heard an excellent sermon that I am going to have to post about at some point soon. Pastor J had no clue that she was speaking straight to my heart. On our way out, I was approached to consider heading up Sunday School in the fall.
- Sunday afternoon: went for lunch (just subs). Next door to the sub place was a laptop clearance place, so we popped in just to look and ended up leaving with this lovely new mini laptop and wireless router. Played with my new 'puter, did a workout (again almost died), made dinner and did some writing (a new story line has been haunting me).
Like I said, not very exciting at face value, but there are possibly changes coming for me as a result of this weekend. Who knows?
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