Surprising Thoughts

Good Evening Humble Readers!

I must say that sometimes being a retail manager is half a step away from being a guidance counsellor.

Have I ever told you about... well, we'll call her "Q" just because... have I told you about her? I know, as a manager I'm not supposed to have favourites, but I can't help it with this kid. I hired her last year, when she was still in high school. When she first started with us, she was practically scared of her own shadow, but she has a passion for books.

Last summer I came to the realization that when I was her age, my mom was my age. Yikes! Talk about feeling old!

I have watched her come into her own over the last year and a half. She is funny, sometimes a little too chatty for work, and generally a good kid. She has cried on my shoulder about boys, the turmoil that surrounds high school, and her relationship with her parents. She's made some questionable decisions regarding body piercings. So when she came to me the other day, rather freaked out, I thought it was more of the usual. And I guess in a way it was, only bigger.

She had a pregnancy scare.

She was stressed out, and we talked about what her first steps should be (find out for sure if she was, then move on to what her next steps would be... turns out she's not pg) and some things she should consider to prevent this type of situation from happening again (hello, birth control?).

It wasn't a long conversation, but I think she felt better afterward. I, on the other hand, struggled for the rest of the day. I cannot deny the fact that I felt the typical anger that a 18 year old kid can do without trying what I can't do with two years of focused effort.

But the most surprising thing for me was a thought that streaked across my mind later in the day... "if she is pg, will she choose adoption? would she consider us?" It was like a whisper, an echo, and a lightning bolt all at the same time. I was stunned. I swear I stopped dead in my tracks. Where the hell did that come from? And immediately felt guilty for the thought. I mean, how selfish am I to think something like that when this kid could be facing a life altering event?

The idea of adoption isn't entirely out of left field. My Beloved and I have talked in broad strokes about the possibility. I have done a bit of reading & research, mostly to acquaint myself with the basics. We have agreed that if I m/c again or am not pregnant by summer then we will look into it in more detail. I know that there is a long way from where we are at right now to making the decision to adopt. But the seed of it is there. (A tiny part of our plan to pay down our debt this year is that we want to have that credit available should we need it for adoption fees in the future.)

But, I'm not ready to put ttc behind me. I'm not ready. Not yet.

Will I know when I am?