Honesty, Faith & Confusion

Hey Humble Readers...

I have struggled with this post for a long time.  I've started writing it many times over the past couple of years, and I know that in writing it now, I may lose followers and will most likely get flamed. 

The crazy thing is, the whole impetus behind this post was a stupid Jac.k in the B.ox commercial.  That 'Marry Bacon' commercial.  Have you seen it?  Basically it's a guy who is planning a wedding with, and eventually marrying a piece of bacon. 

And it pisses me off.  And when I thought about why it pissed me off, I confess I was surprised. 

I haven't written about where I stand on gay marraige, for many reasons, but primarily because I still struggle with where I actually stand on it.  In the simplest terms, my heart says one thing and my faith says another.  And from my experience, and in reading other bloggers who have discussed this subject, there doesn't seem to be room for those of us who are caught in the grey area. 

Earlier this week, I caught a news story on a Seattle tv news program that was talking about how Washington state is one step closer to allowing same sex marraiges, and I was very happy for several college friends who I know will be celebrating this step for very personal reasons. 

Should anyone be told who they should and shouldn't love?  Absolutely not.  Should someone's sexual orientation determine whether or not they are allowed to build their family?  No. 

Everyone has the right to determine who their family is... not the government, not the church, not the loudest voice screaming on the streetcorner. 

What I struggle with is how I rectify my faith with what I feel is right.  If you've been around here for even a little while, I think you know that my faith in God is a large part of who I am.  To my understanding, the Bible is pretty clear on the issue.  Marraige is between a man and a woman.  At the same time, the Bible also tells us that sin is anything that separates us from the love of God, and hate & judgement are sinful.  And no sin is greater than another.  Sin is sin is sin.

Which is right?  Which is wrong?  Does it have to be an either/or situation? 

This is where I sit...

So why did that burger joint commercial piss me off so much?  Simple... it makes light of a subject that is in no way trivial, it doesn't matter where you are in your understanding of it.  I can see both sides, and that commercial just pokes fun at the whole situation.  And that's just not right.

Surprising Thoughts

Good Evening Humble Readers!

I must say that sometimes being a retail manager is half a step away from being a guidance counsellor.

Have I ever told you about... well, we'll call her "Q" just because... have I told you about her? I know, as a manager I'm not supposed to have favourites, but I can't help it with this kid. I hired her last year, when she was still in high school. When she first started with us, she was practically scared of her own shadow, but she has a passion for books.

Last summer I came to the realization that when I was her age, my mom was my age. Yikes! Talk about feeling old!

I have watched her come into her own over the last year and a half. She is funny, sometimes a little too chatty for work, and generally a good kid. She has cried on my shoulder about boys, the turmoil that surrounds high school, and her relationship with her parents. She's made some questionable decisions regarding body piercings. So when she came to me the other day, rather freaked out, I thought it was more of the usual. And I guess in a way it was, only bigger.

She had a pregnancy scare.

She was stressed out, and we talked about what her first steps should be (find out for sure if she was, then move on to what her next steps would be... turns out she's not pg) and some things she should consider to prevent this type of situation from happening again (hello, birth control?).

It wasn't a long conversation, but I think she felt better afterward. I, on the other hand, struggled for the rest of the day. I cannot deny the fact that I felt the typical anger that a 18 year old kid can do without trying what I can't do with two years of focused effort.

But the most surprising thing for me was a thought that streaked across my mind later in the day... "if she is pg, will she choose adoption? would she consider us?" It was like a whisper, an echo, and a lightning bolt all at the same time. I was stunned. I swear I stopped dead in my tracks. Where the hell did that come from? And immediately felt guilty for the thought. I mean, how selfish am I to think something like that when this kid could be facing a life altering event?

The idea of adoption isn't entirely out of left field. My Beloved and I have talked in broad strokes about the possibility. I have done a bit of reading & research, mostly to acquaint myself with the basics. We have agreed that if I m/c again or am not pregnant by summer then we will look into it in more detail. I know that there is a long way from where we are at right now to making the decision to adopt. But the seed of it is there. (A tiny part of our plan to pay down our debt this year is that we want to have that credit available should we need it for adoption fees in the future.)

But, I'm not ready to put ttc behind me. I'm not ready. Not yet.

Will I know when I am?