Infertility and a Crisis of Faith

Good morning, humble readers...

I will be the first to admit that my prayer life isn't what it 'should' be. My Beloved and I pray over meals, and we do go through times when we are very focused on praying... praying for our selves, for others, for our world leaders... but more often than not, my daily prayers are the last few semi-coherent thoughts that pass through my brain before sleep comes.

I should step back a bit and mention that I do believe in the power of prayer. I believe that God does miraculous things every day. The fact that my mom is alive today, after five encounters with cancer, is a testament to the healing power of God.

So, what does it mean then, when a woman who believes in the power of prayer prays for her unborn child... and that child never actually happens?

During the 10 weeks of my first pregnancy, my Beloved and I prayed for our little one. Prayed that God would keep her healthy and safe, that we would be good parents, that we would be able to provide the secure home that she would need. And when we lost her, in the midst of our grief, we were thankful that God had blessed us with her for even a short time.

When we got pregnant the second time, some connection in my mind went a bit wonky. No one said this to me, it was purely my own misdirection... but I started to think that 'last time' I hadn't prayed hard enough. Instead of focusing on the positive (actually being pregnant), I started to play this tape in my head... 'last time' I failed physically, 'last time' I failed spiritually.

For the first 8 weeks of my second pregnancy, I was berating myself constantly because 'last time' I hadn't prayed enough, and I wasn't praying enough 'this time'. My prayers 'this time' took on a desperate intensity... make me a better person, help me be more faithful, make me good enough. And our 8 week ultrasound confirmed my deficiencies... in my mind. I failed again 'this time'.

At the same time as all this was happening, there was the logical part of my mind (that was probably shouting it's lungs out) that knew blighted ova are not a punishment from God for not praying hard enough, for not being good enough. I knew that. I know it. But that doesn't mean I felt it. My grief the second time around was harder, I think, because of all the self-blame I was heaping on my head.

Somehow along the way I had forgotten the most basic truth about prayer. Prayer does not change God. Prayer changes me. It opens my heart and mind up to God's leading, and brings me into deeper relationship with him. Prayer is the communication that feeds my relationship with him.

This past winter and spring haven't been easy. My prayer life still isn't what I would like it to be, but that tape that was playing in my head seems to have been stopped. I have been blessed with a good pastor who has walked this road (she had two miscarriages before going on to have twins), and a husband who understands one's faith journey goes through ups and downs, and sometimes having a partner on the road is all that's needed to keep moving forward.

My prayer for 'next time' is that I will be at peace. When and if I get pregnant again, I pray that I will find the joy in the moment. And if the worst happens again, I pray that God will help me to lean on his strength.

Show & Tell : The New Camera

Ok, so it's not terribly new any more. We bought it as our anniversary gift to each other back in April, but it's still pretty darn cool.

Not to mention a bit intimidating.

It has so many added do-dads that I swear, if I could figure out how, it would do the vacuuming for me! I'm just super thankful that I can delete any of my terrible shots.

I am hoping to be able to get some time to practice with it before we go to NYC this fall. Part of my challenge is that I'm not really sure how the pictures turn out because the colour on our computer monitor is kinda crappy. (A new 'puter isn't in the budget until next year.)

I used to scrapbook a lot, but got out of the habit of taking pictures. I'm hoping to take lots of great pictures while we're away... we have too many bare walls in this place yet!

Don't forget to stop by Mel's and check out what the rest of the class is showing! Happy Saturday!

Hobbit-ish Household Tips

Ok humble readers... here are my uber-important household tips.

• Never leave the precariously mounted venetian blind even part way down with the window open. A breeze could kick up and the whole bloody thing could come crashing down, shattering a glass candle holder in the process. (Learned this one last week)
• Never leave a particular type of fem-hy product in your pocket... and then let it go through the washer. When your husband finds it in the dryer he will freak out. (of course it was one that I had as a 'just in case')
• Always assume that anything in tup.perware you don't recognize, found in the back of your fridge, is not meant to be opened, but instead just thrown away with as little contact to your skin as possible.
• Never assume that one shade of cream paint is the same as another. You will end up with a funky looking hallway.

And the item that inspired this post:

• Never put a pot of potatoes on to boil and then get wrapped up in an episode of M*A*S*H. If you do, this will be the one time that the stupid pot doesn't even think about boiling over, and you end up with a nasty-smelling-smoke-filled kitchen, a lot of blackened (and not the good Cajun kind) potatoes, and a pot that is likely ruined because the bloody thing boiled dry!

Ok... so now you have my tips. Use this knowledge carefully, young Jedi.

Time Crunch

Good Morning humble readers...

Some of you may recall that at my last OB appointment, I was put on a waiting list for a hysteroscopy for the purposes of removing a polyp. Well, in the last two days I have gotten a ton of phone calls from the pre-admissions clinic.

First, they wanted to set me up on June 11th... not good for two reasons. That week we have our regional manager in the store, and I need to be there (as much as I'm not looking forward to it... she and I just don't mesh well). Also, my OB told me at my last appointment that it could take a couple months before they could get me in, and to just try like bunnies between now and then because we could always cancel the procedure if I do get pregnant. If I were to go ahead with the procedure on the 11th, then I would only be 4 or 5DPO, too early to determine if I was pregnant, and we have been trying.

So, they accepted that and told me they would get back to me with the next available date. I thought it would take another few weeks before I would hear from them again. Nope! Got the call yesterday... June 23rd. Ok, that works well for me. I'm on a vacation week, so I won't be missing any more work. And I will know definitively by then if I am pregnant. Great... it's booked.

Then I get another call from pre-admissions. They need to set up a pre-consult with anesthesia. Gah! I imagine that it's because of my size, but I did fine under general anesthesia last time. So I have to juggle my work schedule just to go for a half hour appointment the week before.

I'm just praying that I get my bfp... and maybe even get it a day or two early... then I won't have to go for either appointment.

If any of you have had a hysteroscopy, can you give me a heads up? I imagine it will be like HSG in terms of pain, but is there anything else that I need to know?

May's Reading List

Ok, so I'm a couple days late on this one... It was a busy weekend at work (Double Discount Days) and I have been doing a small battle with some allergies. I know, I know... that's what I get for whining about winter dragging on so long.

May was another eclectic mix of titles. Teen fiction, a classic, the fantabulous Miss Mel's book, and a great late victorian puzzler... As of the end of May, I am now at 23 titles out of 100 for the Book Challenge.

• Distant Waves - Suzanne Weyn: (3 out of 5 hairy hobbit toes) Set at the beginning of the spiritualism movement in the early 20th century, the story centers around the daughters of a fraudulent medium. The family, after an unexpected encounter with an under-appreciated scientist named Tesla, moves to a community of spiritualists in upstate New York. The girls are raised surrounded by mystics (or at least those who claim to be), and the older two long to break free from their strange life. Events unfold to bring them, on separate paths, to England in the spring of 1912. One sister is destined to participate in an experiment that will change the world, another destined to find true love. I found the book a little rushed, especially in the latter half of the story. One very interesting element to the book though, was that the author included historical notes in the end... so that readers could sift through what was historically based and what was created for the story.
  

• Pride & Prejudice - Jane Austen: (5 out of 5 hairy hobbit toes) The epitome of regency romance... Lizzie and Mr. Darcy, falling in love despite the barbed wit of each. Who was prideful? Who was prejudiced? Will the nasty Mr. Collins ever shut up? I get goosebumps at the same point in the book every time I read it (when Lizzie receives Mr. Darcy's letter). *sigh*
  

• Great and Terrible Beauty - Libba Bray: (4 out of 5 hairy hobbit toes) Hearkening back to the great gothic novels of the 1800s, the story of Gemma and her friends, who discover they can enter the magical realms, is dark and brooding. What begins as innocent exploration of their newly acquired powers soon becomes something sinister as they accidentally release a long trapped dark entity. Do the girls have the power to overcome that which now hunts them? I thought the story was great, albeit a little cliched at points. I also felt that the girls had a much more modern outlook on their lives than what would be expected for the chosen time period. Still, I can definitely see the appeal for teen girls.
  

• Navigating the Land of IF - Melissa Ford: (5 out of 5 hairy hobbit toes) First and foremost I want to thank Mel for writing this book. It is a tremendous step forward to read an IF book written by someone who has been there. The format of a travel guide is fabulous, and with her natural ease and humour, the book was by far the most interesting and easiest to read of any in this genre that I have encountered. I loved all the asides and extras included in each chapter. I think, especially for those new to the world of IF, this is a must read... and a great tool for all of us to help understand what others on this road are facing.
  

• The Forgotten Garden - Kate Morton: (4.5 out of 5 hairy hobbit toes) What a fascinating book! In 1913, a small girl is found on a dock in Australia, having been abandoned on board before the ship ever left England. All she has with her is a small suitcase filled with some clothes and a beautifully illustrated book of fairy tales. She's taken in by the dockmaster and his wife and raised as their own. On her 21st birthday she learns that she isn't who she thinks she is. After several decades, she finally feels that it's time to search for her true identity. The story bounces back and forth between three continents, and spans an entire century. What is the secret hiding in the maze at Blackhurst Manor? Who is the Authoress? What is the bond that holds cousins, Rose and Eliza, together? Warning: Do not read this book if you like a linear story line, or if you easily lose track of characters. Morton switches up time periods and points-of-view with each chapter, but the over all effect definitely adds to the mystery. Also interspersed are some intriging fairy tales... One other interesting aspect to this story: one of the characters struggles with infertility. There are some passages documenting her grief over her 'failure' that could be taken from the pages of my heart. There were moments as I was reading where I actually caught my breath at the understanding the author has for 'our' plight.