Twenty Years Ago...

Howdy Humble Readers...

I'm one of those sad people who, when someone mentions that something was 10 years ago, I still think of the 1990s.  Geez... ten years ago I was already two years into my career in retail book sales.  After my chosen career, which I studied and got a bachelor degree for, didn't pan out. 

How is it possible that I graduated from high school (go VooDoos!) 20 years ago? 

There are so many things that don't seem like they happened 20 years ago...

• I turned 18.
• The Barenaked Ladies released their first full length album, "Gordon" (the one with 'If I Had A Million Dollars').  I had it on cassette.
• The war in Bosnia and Herzogovina was just cranking up.
• The European Union came into being.
• The cold war was officially ended.
• Jeffery Dahmer was convicted
• NAFTA was signed by Canada, the US, and Mexico
• The AIDS memorial quilt was unveiled
• The Toronto Blue Jays won the World Series
• Bill Clinton was elected
• It was a no-good, very bad year for the Royal family in Britian.  Charles and Di officially split, Andrew and Fergie split, Windsor castle burned...
• Mylie Cyrus was born
• Windows 3.1 was the cutting edge in technology
• Wayne's World, Sister Act, A Few Good Men, and Aladdin were some of the top movies
• Color Me Badd was all the rage for those of us who love boy bands (and yes I saw them in concert)
• Home Improvement, Law & Order, and Married With Children were all popular
• I was working two jobs (Ar.by's and for my parents' office) to save money to go to college.
• I bought my first computer... a 386 DOS machine, on which I played hours and hours of shareware arcade-type games. 

And one thing that stands out in my memory... I recall spending a lot of time pondering the fact that my bio-mom was married and had me when she was 18, and I felt that I was in no way ready for kids (if only I could go back and tell my 18-year-old self a few things about that whole topic!).  I thought I knew what the world was about.  I had some serious political and religious views. 

But I remember thinking that by the time I was 38 (which I will be in a few short weeks) I would be soooo much more certain of things.  That I would be established.   It's not that I'm unhappy with my life... I'm incredibly happy with my Beloved and my hard-won wee-lings.  I just thought I would be so much more sure of things, of who I am and what I'm here for.  And so many of the issues I was black and white on back then are now surrounded in a fog of grey. 

Twenty years is a heck of a long time, and a lot can happen in two decades. 

What do you remember from being 18?  Do you still carry that 18-year-old around in your heart?

Life On The Other Side: Healing, Grief, & Friendship

Howdy Humble Readers...

***Warning... for those of my humble readers who read my blog to keep up with Beloved, Ginny and me in our day to day life, and who don't want to know about certain, ahem, parts of my life, you might want to skip this post.  Just so ya know...***

I've been thinking about this post a lot over the last few weeks.  Yes, this the the 'I'm-a-mom-now-am-I-still-an-IFer/RPLer?" post. 

And I have known the answer for quite some time.  It's a resounding 'YES'. 

I have been blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and while her presence has gone a long way to heal certain hurts in my heart, there are places that I could never expect her to fill. 

The baggage is still here, just a little bit lighter. 

IF/RPL will always be a part of who I am.  It's with me every time I wake up from one of those ridiculous nightmares, or when I stand over Ginevra's cradle watching her chest rise and fall.  It's a part of why I'm dealing with anxiety in relation to our sex life... the idea that we could get pregnant again right away is not totally undesirable, but it is still shit-scary nonetheless.  (It's the whole not knowing if/when I'll be ovulating and all that's stressing me out, among other things)

Thoughts of my identity as a mother and an IFer have been brought to the forefront even more so recently, as I have had a good friend go through the agony of a miscarriage (her second loss).  Understanding the pain, physical and emotional, that she is dealing with is one thing, but knowing how to provide support for her from this side of the delivery room is another.  How do I have the right to voice my care for her and my understanding, when I have just given birth?  (And how self-centered is that?  Worrying about me, when she's the one dealing with a loss... ugh! Sometimes I disgust myself.)  My heart broke for her when I got her email after the ultrasound that showed an empty sac, and I remember how I felt about people with babies when I was going through it, and I didn't want to push in. 

When we lost our angel babies, I was angry with people in my life who avoided me or the subject of our losses.  But knowing what to say is a hard thing... harder than I expected.

*sigh*  Nothing in this life is ever easy, tho, is it?

On a slightly different note, next week marks the second anniversary of our loss of Olivia Noelle.  I miss her.  I miss who she might have been.  But it doesn't hurt quite as much as it did.  It's amazing how so much grief and love can exist in a heart at the same time. 

In Memoriam - Olivia Noelle

Today was my EDD for our second angel baby, Olivia Noelle.

Is it wrong that I haven't thought as much about my second loss as much as my first?

Maybe it's self preservation. Maybe my heart and mind remember the grief of losing Emily so much that when we lost Olivia I automatically went into a numb mode.

Whatever the cause, the approach to today has been different than the days leading up to Emily's EDD. Instead of the panic and intense sadness, there is a vague feeling of emptiness. I have had both a conscious and unconscious awareness that this date was approaching. (Like it's possible to ever erase the significance of these dates from our minds!) I've been dreaming about babies and IF related things more in the last two weeks than I have in months.

But the hurt is different too. It's the sad resignation that lightning does in fact strike twice, that being hurt once does not automatically preclude you from being hurt again. It is the fear, even though the doctors say it was just bad luck and that we still have a good chance of getting and staying pregnant, the fear that we are doomed to repeat this cycle of hope, joy, and despair over and over again.

You know, it's funny, with Emily I spent a great deal of time wondering what she would have looked like. With Olivia, I don't wonder that. I have a very clear image of her in my mind. It's of her as a toddler, with dark dark hair with a bit of a curl, blue eyes, and pink cheeks.

I only wish... well, to quote one of my favourite musicals... I wish a lot of things.