Tuesday, August 18, 2009

In Memoriam - Olivia Noelle

Today was my EDD for our second angel baby, Olivia Noelle.

Is it wrong that I haven't thought as much about my second loss as much as my first?

Maybe it's self preservation. Maybe my heart and mind remember the grief of losing Emily so much that when we lost Olivia I automatically went into a numb mode.

Whatever the cause, the approach to today has been different than the days leading up to Emily's EDD. Instead of the panic and intense sadness, there is a vague feeling of emptiness. I have had both a conscious and unconscious awareness that this date was approaching. (Like it's possible to ever erase the significance of these dates from our minds!) I've been dreaming about babies and IF related things more in the last two weeks than I have in months.

But the hurt is different too. It's the sad resignation that lightning does in fact strike twice, that being hurt once does not automatically preclude you from being hurt again. It is the fear, even though the doctors say it was just bad luck and that we still have a good chance of getting and staying pregnant, the fear that we are doomed to repeat this cycle of hope, joy, and despair over and over again.

You know, it's funny, with Emily I spent a great deal of time wondering what she would have looked like. With Olivia, I don't wonder that. I have a very clear image of her in my mind. It's of her as a toddler, with dark dark hair with a bit of a curl, blue eyes, and pink cheeks.

I only wish... well, to quote one of my favourite musicals... I wish a lot of things.


  1. Dear Mrs. Gamgee,

    Remembering both Emily and Olivia Noelle with you.

    You chose such beautiful names for your daughters.

    Maybe you are processing it different because your mind is saving itself from the trauma of the loss. Whatever be the reason, know that Olivia Noelle is remembered.

  2. sending warm thoughts...

    from lfca...

  3. Thinking of you and your lost LOs today my friend. I so agree with the lightening comment. And the Dr's reasurrance never made me feel better.

    Your time WILL come. (((HUGS)))

  4. Thinking of you and wishing I could be there for you in body and not just spirit. Hugs.

  5. Mrs. G~
    What a gorgeous name!! I think I can say I know your pain..I hope our babies are playing together in heaven..You & your hub are in my thoughts today..

  6. I'm so sorry that you didn't get to hold her in your arms, but you are a wonderful person for remembering her and holding her in your heart. Both girls had absolutely gorgeous names. Big hugs to you and MrG.

  7. I am thinking of you and Mr. G and Olivia Noelle today.

    I'm sorry for your loss.

  8. Thinking of you and Olivia and Emily today and always. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you love and light.

  9. Thinking of you and sending you comforting thoughts at this time.

  10. Hi,
    Thinking of you at this moment and a big hug.Me too would have been a mom of a little one this aug 22nd .I feel the same way.I just had another miscarriage after IVF,waiting for it to happen naturally.I totally get your feelings.I am also kinda numb the second time.Anyway I hope you have a better happy future ahead!!

  11. If I have learned anything over these last nine years it is that every year is different, sometimes so different that it makes us thing.

    Remembering your girls with you...


  12. Praying for you today and your little angel(s). I'm so sorry that you've had to weather so many losses. It certainly is not fair. I'm praying that you do not ever have to go through a m/c again.

    Hugs! Eve

  13. Sending extra love and prayers today for you, DH, and your sweet little girls. Hugs!

  14. you paint such a beautiful picture of your girl, I'm thinking of you today

  15. Thinking of you and remembering her. Sending prayers of peace.


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