In Memoriam - Olivia Noelle

Today was my EDD for our second angel baby, Olivia Noelle.

Is it wrong that I haven't thought as much about my second loss as much as my first?

Maybe it's self preservation. Maybe my heart and mind remember the grief of losing Emily so much that when we lost Olivia I automatically went into a numb mode.

Whatever the cause, the approach to today has been different than the days leading up to Emily's EDD. Instead of the panic and intense sadness, there is a vague feeling of emptiness. I have had both a conscious and unconscious awareness that this date was approaching. (Like it's possible to ever erase the significance of these dates from our minds!) I've been dreaming about babies and IF related things more in the last two weeks than I have in months.

But the hurt is different too. It's the sad resignation that lightning does in fact strike twice, that being hurt once does not automatically preclude you from being hurt again. It is the fear, even though the doctors say it was just bad luck and that we still have a good chance of getting and staying pregnant, the fear that we are doomed to repeat this cycle of hope, joy, and despair over and over again.

You know, it's funny, with Emily I spent a great deal of time wondering what she would have looked like. With Olivia, I don't wonder that. I have a very clear image of her in my mind. It's of her as a toddler, with dark dark hair with a bit of a curl, blue eyes, and pink cheeks.

I only wish... well, to quote one of my favourite musicals... I wish a lot of things.