Life On The Other Side: Healing, Grief, & Friendship

Howdy Humble Readers...

***Warning... for those of my humble readers who read my blog to keep up with Beloved, Ginny and me in our day to day life, and who don't want to know about certain, ahem, parts of my life, you might want to skip this post.  Just so ya know...***

I've been thinking about this post a lot over the last few weeks.  Yes, this the the 'I'm-a-mom-now-am-I-still-an-IFer/RPLer?" post. 

And I have known the answer for quite some time.  It's a resounding 'YES'. 

I have been blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and while her presence has gone a long way to heal certain hurts in my heart, there are places that I could never expect her to fill. 

The baggage is still here, just a little bit lighter. 

IF/RPL will always be a part of who I am.  It's with me every time I wake up from one of those ridiculous nightmares, or when I stand over Ginevra's cradle watching her chest rise and fall.  It's a part of why I'm dealing with anxiety in relation to our sex life... the idea that we could get pregnant again right away is not totally undesirable, but it is still shit-scary nonetheless.  (It's the whole not knowing if/when I'll be ovulating and all that's stressing me out, among other things)

Thoughts of my identity as a mother and an IFer have been brought to the forefront even more so recently, as I have had a good friend go through the agony of a miscarriage (her second loss).  Understanding the pain, physical and emotional, that she is dealing with is one thing, but knowing how to provide support for her from this side of the delivery room is another.  How do I have the right to voice my care for her and my understanding, when I have just given birth?  (And how self-centered is that?  Worrying about me, when she's the one dealing with a loss... ugh! Sometimes I disgust myself.)  My heart broke for her when I got her email after the ultrasound that showed an empty sac, and I remember how I felt about people with babies when I was going through it, and I didn't want to push in. 

When we lost our angel babies, I was angry with people in my life who avoided me or the subject of our losses.  But knowing what to say is a hard thing... harder than I expected.

*sigh*  Nothing in this life is ever easy, tho, is it?

On a slightly different note, next week marks the second anniversary of our loss of Olivia Noelle.  I miss her.  I miss who she might have been.  But it doesn't hurt quite as much as it did.  It's amazing how so much grief and love can exist in a heart at the same time.