Post Christmas Blahs...

Good Morning Humble Readers...

Maybe it's the inevitible let down after Christmas. Maybe it's the symptoms of PMS (yes, I'm PMS-ing. Temps tanked, phantom symptoms fading). Maybe it's the crappy couple of days at work I've had (Boxing Week shoppers are the worst! A customer, and I use that term generously, actually reached across the counter and slapped the hand of one of my cashiers yesterday. In what world is that acceptable???).

Whatever it is, I'm feeling blaaaahhhh.

Don't get me wrong, we had a great Christmas. Christmas Eve was busy. We cleaned the house, I cooked & carved a turkey, did a little grocery shopping, I prepped a breakfast casserole (which didn't turn out at all... what a waste), and got my sweet potatoes started. We went to church, and then came home and did our traditional Christmas Eve appetizers and movie (I had to get my Ralphie fix).

Christmas morning was fun. My Beloved really loved his presents (his main gift was a framed print of a picture of the Cal.gary Fl.ames locker room, with his name on one of the jerseys), and yes, humble readers, I got my Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer! (Used it on Christmas morning to mix my sweet potatoe casserole)

The drive to my MIL's was nice. Very pretty actually, with a pale blue sky and the fields and trees covered in snow.

Mom C loved her new computer. We had all chipped in to get her something more up to date (her old 'puter didn't have any usb ports and was painfully slow). I ate too much and drank too much wine. I won a round of cards, so now I have a wallet full of dimes.

It really was a good Christmas. I'm just tired, and not looking forward to going to work today. I'm hoping that when I wake up tomorrow morning, AF will have arrived and I can move on to a new cycle, with new hope. This cycle's hope is a little worse for wear.

The Girl Who Cried 'Pregnant'

Another cycle... another round of feeling foolish.

At 9dpo I got a very faint positive. It was on a name brand test and like I said, it was faint, but it was definitely positive. My Beloved and I both saw it and we were cautiously hopeful. After all, it was still very early.

I tested the next day, and it was negative, but I had missed my fmu, so I wasn't surprised.

I tested the day after that, and then again yesterday... both negative.

This morning my temperature tanked and I can feel AF getting ready to show up. So, now the hysteroscopy is a go... I have a pre-consult with the anesthesiologist tomorrow and then the procedure on Tuesday. I guess I should be glad that the procedure is getting done, so that I don't have the nagging thought of a polyp screwing things up in the future.

But knowing that 'its for the best' isn't a comfort right now. I'm sad, I'm angry and I'm sick of this whole stupid merry-go-round. I hate that my body plays tricks on me. I hate that I can't do what my husband's 16 year old cousin seems to be able to do without even trying.

The other thing that is weighing on me heavily today is knowing that we won't be trying again now until September. With our trip planned for the latter half of September and my history of early losses, I don't want to risk getting pregnant before we go to New York. I don't want to potentially ruin our trip by worrying about miscarrying again (not to mention needing medical care in a different country can get expensive).

I know that it's not that far off... and the time in between will go quickly. But the idea of 'wasting' cycles, actively preventing... it's about as appealing to me as liver and onions. Not to mention that big flashing neon 35 is fast approaching and while I know that pregnancy is still very possible, I don't need any lower odds.

Tomorrow I will be in a better frame of mind. Tomorrow I will be more positive, I'm sure. Today sucks, and I think I'm just going to wallow.