The Girl Who Cried 'Pregnant'

Another cycle... another round of feeling foolish.

At 9dpo I got a very faint positive. It was on a name brand test and like I said, it was faint, but it was definitely positive. My Beloved and I both saw it and we were cautiously hopeful. After all, it was still very early.

I tested the next day, and it was negative, but I had missed my fmu, so I wasn't surprised.

I tested the day after that, and then again yesterday... both negative.

This morning my temperature tanked and I can feel AF getting ready to show up. So, now the hysteroscopy is a go... I have a pre-consult with the anesthesiologist tomorrow and then the procedure on Tuesday. I guess I should be glad that the procedure is getting done, so that I don't have the nagging thought of a polyp screwing things up in the future.

But knowing that 'its for the best' isn't a comfort right now. I'm sad, I'm angry and I'm sick of this whole stupid merry-go-round. I hate that my body plays tricks on me. I hate that I can't do what my husband's 16 year old cousin seems to be able to do without even trying.

The other thing that is weighing on me heavily today is knowing that we won't be trying again now until September. With our trip planned for the latter half of September and my history of early losses, I don't want to risk getting pregnant before we go to New York. I don't want to potentially ruin our trip by worrying about miscarrying again (not to mention needing medical care in a different country can get expensive).

I know that it's not that far off... and the time in between will go quickly. But the idea of 'wasting' cycles, actively preventing... it's about as appealing to me as liver and onions. Not to mention that big flashing neon 35 is fast approaching and while I know that pregnancy is still very possible, I don't need any lower odds.

Tomorrow I will be in a better frame of mind. Tomorrow I will be more positive, I'm sure. Today sucks, and I think I'm just going to wallow.