Monday, September 14, 2009

They Say You Can Never Go Back

Good Morning Humble Readers...

I have had these thoughts percolating for a while, and I think it's time to get them down on 'paper'. I will preface this by saying that, if you are going through a tough time right now, you might want to skip this post. I won't mind...

I recently went back to some of the message boards I used to frequent. There are women there who I miss. They are women who started on this journey around the same time as me, and we shared our excitement about becoming mommies, celebrated each other's successes and mourned each other's losses. They supported me through our miscarriages, encouraged me when we were waiting for tests and for the go ahead to try again. These women are incredible, strong, veterans of the road we travel. Many of them are dealing with RPL like me, and some have had heartbreaking numbers of losses.

I had stopped posting on the message boards back in the spring, when it became apparent that we were going to have to take an extended break. I felt that I didn't want to be a downer, whining about having to wait to try again... so I excused myself. (Of course that didn't stop me from whining here... my apologies, Humble Readers). I also knew that reading about them moving ahead would be difficult.

I went back recently, genuinely hoping that most, if not all, of the ladies there would have been able to move on... yes, I know it was an unlikely thing, but I hoped it for them anyway.

I started reading some of the recent posts and was saddened to see so many names I recognized. I was saddened further to read how down they all were.

We all have our bad days. A bfn, a failed cycle, discovery of a cyst, the flu at exactly the wrong time... all of these things can bring us low. I am not making light of those emotions. We all need to process them, grieve our losses big and small, and we often need the support of those who truly understand our situation to help us get through.

But when does commiserating become something more? When does it become a vicious cycle that has no end? When do we stop trying to one up each other with how sad we are?

How do we pull ourselves up out of our darkness? How do we help each other when things seem to be spiralling into the abyss?

I have long believed that the only thing we have control over in this world is our response to it. Barring a chemical imbalance, we get to choose how we respond to the things that happen in our lives. That doesn't mean we don't get sad, but we do get to choose whether to let that sadness overwhelm us or to start moving forward.

I'm in a good, hopeful and, dare I say, content place right now. I want to celebrate that. And at the same time I want to support these ladies... but I don't want to blow sunshine and rainbows.

Maybe after this cycle comes back as a bfn, I won't be so happy, maybe then I will feel like I fit in again with them. But I don't want to let that change my happiness in this moment. We all live in two week incriments... shouldn't we take the joy where we can?

Is it wrong that I choose to be happy?


  1. GREAT Post !It is not wrong at all ! I so want to be happy again and I am doing/trying what ever it takes. I also had to step away from posting on the message boards, I felt like I had run the gamant, I could only offer encouragemet.

    I totally agree with how our response dictates how the outcome is...I try to choose positive words, encouraging uplifting words. Negaivity is contagious and sometimes I just need to step away for it !

    It takes just an much enery to be happy as it does sad...which would you do ?

  2. It is wonderful that you have the ability to choose to be happy. Sometimes, time alone gives you that ability and it's great when it does. That is a huge struggle for me right now personally. But, it's encouraging to know that someone else who has suffered RPL and has taken a "break" of whatever length has eventually come back to the point of being able to be happy and being able to be hopeful.

  3. I think you are absolutely right. IF is hard.... so achingly hard... and I would never expect someone to just "decide to be happy" through it. But there are points in life that we do need to take a step back and work on our own happiness, because life doesn't always serve it up on a silver platter.

  4. Nope. Choose happy - it's one way to help keep some balance in your life, and to keep some element of control.
    As upset as I was about our two losses, and how long we struggled with our infertility, I kept trying to tell myself that maybe now wasn't the time, that I still had hope, and that I had a lot of other stuff going on in my life to enjoy or struggle through. Infertility is a part of me, but it isn't all of me!
    I think a break and choosing happiness are exactly what a lot of people need to do. It sure can't hurt your body either to be in a more relaxed and happy hormonal environment. Good for you!

  5. It is not wrong to choose to be happy. It's great that you do and can. I need to make myself do that more often. Great post.

  6. This is a great post. It is not wrong at all to be happy. I completely agree that we choose our response to things. We should have time to be sad with a failed cycle and grieve for losses. Our friends should know to be sad/frustrated or grieve with us, but also know when it is time to help us out of the darkness.

  7. What a super post! I too try my best to be upbeat and optimistic most of the time. It's just so much easier than wallowing...

    Though, I have my moments of self-doubt or pity, I try not to dwell on them.

    Kudos to you for being such a positive person. It's one of the reasons I *heart* you and your blog!


  8. yes!!! i totally agree. keep choosing happiness - it's way better than the alternative. i promise myself that when I no longer have the ability to choose my response, i will get help. it's a sad place to be, and i would want to honor and respect myself enough to try my best to get out of it. i absolutely recognize that it's not easy.

  9. Well, the content of your post is the exact reason why I pulled out os Usenet group recently...the tape getting played again and again and again!

  10. "I have long believed that the only thing we have control over in this world is our response to it." Absolutely Mrs. G. There are things that are hard and difficult and require their time and place but then you have to escape and find a positive, optimistic place or you may lose the best part of yourself.


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