Looking Back, Looking Forward

Hey Humble Readers...

I'm sorry that I've been off the grid this past week.  All three of us having a doozy of a summer cold, a teething baby, and a crazy-a$$ heat wave have sapped my energy.  Today we are actually all feeling better, for the most part, and while it's warm, there's a nice breeze that's allowing me to feel human again. 

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It's been a challenging week because everywhere I turned there were reminders of 9-11.  The images, the stories, the pain.  I'm in no way saying that we shouldn't commemorate this day, just that all the constant visual reminders have been very hard on my heart.

Ten years ago today, I woke up to my radio coming on saying something about the airport in K-town being shut down.  I didn't think much of it really, and went to take a shower.  It wasn't until I turned on the tv a half hour later that I saw my first glimpses of the horrors that were taking place.  I went through the rest of the day in a bit of a fog, and grieved with the rest of the world. 

One day changed everything.  The feeling of safety that I remember having all my life up till then was gone.  I wept then for the victims, the heroes, and their families.  And I wept today as I watched the memorial services on tv.  I continue to pray that the families of the victims of such a senseless act of violence have found some peace for their hearts. 

WTC Memorial, New York
(image credit: http://www.fgould.com/north-america/projects/world-trade-center-memorial/)

Three years ago today, I woke up, 11 weeks pregnant and spotting.  I didn't think much of it, I had read that spotting was possible, particularly in the first trimester.  By noon, the spotting was much heavier, and I was scared.  By the middle of the afternoon I had two ultrasounds and it was confirmed.  My pregnancy had ended several weeks before, but my body was just cluing in. 

One day changed everything.  My innocent joy and hope in that pregnancy was taken away, and the trust that I had in my body was shattered.  That day I became a statistic.  That day fear for the future of our family set in. 

Shadow Box Memorial for Emily Hope & Olivia Noelle
We collected the leaves a few weeks after we lost Emily. 
The rocks are from a memorial service we attended that fall for lost babies.

My favourite lullaby.

Emily Hope September 2008
Olivia Noelle January 2009

My Beloved gave me this ring for Mother's Day this year...
One stone for each baby, Emily, Olivia, & Ginevra

Today, I woke up with a hopeful heart. 

12 dpo... Ummmm...

Yup... oh boy...

I wasn't really expecting it, given how ooky this cycle was, but it's happened all the same.  Of course, this is still very early and given my history, I'm only allowing myself to be cautiously optimistic.  I'm calling both Dr. U and Dr. B tomorrow so that I can get blood tests done asap, along with a prescription for progesterone suppositories. 

Is it ok if I just say... Eeeeeeeeee?!?!?

(btw, if you know me irl... PLEASE DON'T SAY ANYTHING YET!  Our families won't know for a few days.)