Hello Out There?

Hello Humble Readers...

Thank you so much to those of you who have been nudging me to show my face again.  Sadly, I'm a dope and didn't get the messages until I signed into blogger tonight for the first time in almost a month, due to the privacy settings I set up ages ago. 

So, where have I been?  Where to begin?

The best description is that I have been in denial.  I am fairly certain that I have been dealing with some late-onset post partum depression.  Honestly, I think AF making her reappearance was what triggered it.  I have been a hormonal mess for more than a month, and I'm sick to death of it. 

I can honestly say that Ginevra and my Beloved are the shining lights in my life right now.  But other than meeting their needs (and sometimes only on a very basic level... my poor Beloved!) I haven't had energy for much else. 

Bad days find me stuck on the couch, crying over the fact that I can't seem to keep our house clean, even though I'm home all day.  My most recent round of pms found me bawling my eyes out when Beloved asked me when dinner would be ready.  Honestly, I have felt like a lame-ass excuse for a wife and mother. 

Good days still involve the couch and sometimes a few tears, but at least I'm able to get a few things done.  Mostly, tho, I end up wasting time online playing stupid games on FB and zone out.

(I want to say, that within all of this Ginny hasn't been neglected.  She has never gone hungry or alone or anything.  She gets fed, bathed, played with, and generally well taken care of.  It's just the spirit with which some of these things are being done is less than happy or content.)

I still don't get out of the house much, which I know is a HUGE part of what's going on in my head & heart.  I go grocery shopping & to church on the weekend, but other than that, I barely leave these four walls.  I know that I am in control of that part of my life, but as much as I want to, I haven't had the energy to do anything about it. 

The straw that broke the camel's back, as it were, was a few days ago Ginny really made me laugh.  I think it was the first time I had laughed in more than a week (probably longer).  It hurt my heart to think that she hasn't heard her mommy laugh in that long. 

So, I'm attempting to make some changes. 

Starting tomorrow morning, I am planning on going walking when I get up.  I always wake up at least an hour before my Beloved gets up, and usually just take up my position on the couch and doze or watch tv.  Instead, I'm going to get my ass dressed and out of the house.  The snow is melting (FINALLY!) and most of the sidewalks are clear of ice and puddles, so I won't have the fear of falling and hurting myself as an excuse.  Beloved has taken to doing Ginny's wake-up diaper change, and it is something he enjoys, so it's not going to add to his morning routine. 

I'm going to turn off the tv.  I think part of my problem is that I just sit.  I am a sad sad couch potato.  I can tell you what's on tv at any given hour of the day.  I hate that Ginny is getting used to having the tv on all the time, and that I don't read any more. 

I am going to limit my online time for the next while, and I really want to use what time I do spend online to reconnect with my bloggy friends. 

And as pathetic as this sounds... I am going to shower every day before 10am.  I can't begin to express how embarassed I am to have to put that in writing, but it's where I'm at right now. 

So that's where I'm at.  It's not pretty.  But I'm trying.