Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Gamgee Family Drama

Hey Humble Readers...

If you've taken a peak at my 'Cast of Characters' tab, or if you've been around long enough to pick up on it, my family is a bit complicated.  There's my foster family who is the family of my heart... and then there's my bio family.  *sigh*  They generally suck my will to live with all the unhealthy emotional garbage that they perpetuate. 

Because of their continuing dysfunction (and I don't count myself as blameless in the mess) and their on-going co-dependance, I chose to separate myself from them many years ago.  Our only contacts since then have been random and initiated by them (they like to show up at my workplace unannounced).  They weren't at my wedding, and they don't know about Ginny or our previous pregnancies. 

Tonight we got a phone call.  Apparently someone gave my brother my Beloved's cell phone number.  It turns out my bio-mom is in the ICU at our hospital with pneumonia.  She lives in a little town a couple of hours away and ours is the closest ICU.  I've spoken with the nurses and she's very ill, but it's unlikely to be life threatening with proper treatment.  They intubated her this morning and she's on all the meds she should be.  She will recover, but it's going to take awhile.

The tricky situation I'm in now revolves around going to see her (as the only family member in town, I am feeling obligated to go).  Thankfully, they only allow immediate family into the ICU, and of course children aren't permitted, so I don't have to immediately deal with not introducing her to my child.  I chose to remove myself from her life, but what does that mean for Ginevra?  I don't want Ginny exposed to their chaos, and honestly I would much rather they all remain ignorant of Ginny's existance... at least for the time being. 

I won't lie to her.  If she asks, I will tell her we have a child.  But I really don't want to have to get into everything with her, while she's in the hospital.  I also don't want her to think I'm inviting her into my life.  Argh! 

I'm feeling torn, guilty, and defensive.  Not to mention pissed off for being in this position in the first place.  And guilty for feeling pissed off. 

And I don't know what to do...


  1. I don't know what to tell you, and have no good advice to give, but I can say that guilt isn't a very useful emotion most of the time, and don't let it make your decisions for you.

  2. I agree with Jenni. You feel what you feel about the situation. It sounds very complicated.

  3. I come from a family with a lot of complicated, guilt-ridden issues and I can appreciate the position you're in. When my son was born, it clarified a lot to me. I may be willing to put myself into the drama of toxic relationships out some sense of "family" but it isn't something I want for my child.

    You have a happy, loving family and it's worth protecting. Don't feel bad about that. Set limits and boundaries, even if they are only known to you. When you know what parts of your life you're willing to share, decisions might be easier.

    Big hugs to you!

  4. Oh hon, don't go just because of the guilt. I don't know exactly what you've dealt with from the bio-family but, if it's bad enough to remove them from your life, you owe them NOTHING (and that includes a visit). And, if you chose to visit her, I would simply refuse to talk about your family...divert and deflect the questions. If she asks, say something like, "I'm not here to talk about me. I'm here to check on you." That isn't lying but does protect you, your beloved, and Ginny from their manipulations. {{{Hugs}}} and you have my phone number if you need to vent or talk.

  5. My husband's family is completely dysfunctional. I hate to think of its impact on my son. Sigh.

    Thanks for dropping by and say hi.

  6. Maybe you could send her some flowers or a card? That way you're off the hook for acknowledging her and you can personally send warm wishes, but you're not necessarily inviting her into your life. I TOTALLY get why you'd want to keep Ginny a secret. Sometimes less really is more. Besides, I'm all for avoiding hospitals when you have a Wee One at home. No need to risk bringing something home to her!

  7. Stopping in for ICLW...I am so sorry you're in this situation! When our twins were born, I had to make decisions about whether to let a certain family member back in my life, and if so, what that would look like. Such a hard thing.

    Please don't feel guilty or beat yourself up over this - it isn't a situation that you chose for yourself or for your sweet Ginevra (love the name btw!). Hoping that whatever course you choose will bring you peace! (((hugs)))

  8. Only do what you must do to feel as if you're the wonderful person you are. Anything else is taking one for the team, and from what you've written, the "team" doesn't merit falling on a grenade ;)

  9. Family issues like this are NEVER easy. I know that. You are comfortable with the decision you made to remove yourself from the family, right? Okay, then...no guilt in feeling the way you do about protecting Ginny from it. I know it's not that easy, but try to remember the why behind your choices and stay strong.

    We are all here for you.


  10. Hi from ICLW! Oh wow...what a very complicated situation, to say the least. I absolutely understand the anger and the guilt and all things spinny in that situation. I hope you're able to continue to honor your gut and do what your spirit is telling you is the way to go.

  11. sorry sweetie, I'm late as always and I know you've already made your decisions but I just wanted to say this and I haven't got to the pc until now :)

    I don't know if you remember that I no longer see part of my family, it's a choice H and I made for D as well as ourselves. There are things you will put up with that you won't want your little miss around, she's the most important and don't ever feel bad about putting her first.

    If you don't want her around your bio family, don't let her - she won't be worse off.

    With our situation I was told by a family friend pretty much this: "they don't deserve you in their lives, you are allowed to put your family (as in me, H & D)first"

    wishing you loads of strength - family is never simple


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