Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Remembering & Pondering

Greetings Humble Readers...

I'm in an odd place right now. 

Emotionally, I'm feeling better about a lot of things... certainly more positive than I was a couple of weeks ago.  Physically, my body is cooperating more, and other than being a bit stiff after painting the other day, I'm feeling good.  While my blood sugar isn't great, it's certainly not swinging as much throughout the day.  I'm feeling much more in control... as much as one can when their body has been taken over by a rambunctious Halfling. 

And yet...  all is still not right. 

I know what it is.  I know why I'm antsy. 

It's September. 

Last year, I had our impending NYC trip to distract me (which sort of worked), but this year is different.  This year, I have been attempting to distract myself with all the 'nesting' stuff... the painting, the cooking, the busyness.  But it's not working. 

Two years ago today, my world began to crumble.  My innocent belief that a positive pregnancy test would equal a baby in 9 (or so) months was shattered. 

Emily Hope, our first angel baby, slipped away as quickly as she came into our lives.  No, I never got to hold her, I never felt her move within me, and I don't really know for sure that she was in fact a she, but she was mine... ours.  For eleven brief weeks I was the happiest I have ever been. 

Saturday will officialy mark the two year anniversary of the end of my first pregnancy.  And I will admit that I have been a bit stressed about facing this milestone in the midst of this happy time of expection.

What would she have looked like now?  If she had been born on her EDD, right now she would be 17 months old.  Hard to imagine. 

I can't sit here and let the memory of the grief I felt then overtake me.  Thoughts of her, and of Olivia Noelle our other lost one, are still sharp edged.  I know they will dull over time, and not be so hard to handle.  But do I want them to become dull?  There is my quandary. 

I don't want to be sad. But I would never want to forget either. I am thankful for Emily's brief presence in my life, because she brought me a different experience of love.  And I don't want to forget that at all.


  1. It's wonderful to remember that special precious time you had before hope turned to grief. I think it is really important to remember, but do allow yourself to enjoy this pregnancy too. You've come so far!! (((HUGS)))

  2. Those feelings are normal and just plain suck! Hang in there. Your new baby is in no way a replacement, but will bring a new joy to your life! You are only 11 weeks away now!
    I am sorry for your losses. I lost one baby last september at 10 weeks, and lost my son Jaxson in June at 28 1/2 weeks. It all just plain sucks, especially on the milestone days!

  3. I too am sorry for your losses. I am sure it will be hard to balance that grief with the joy of your current pregnancy. I hope you find a positive way to commemorate your two lost children. Their lives may have been short, but that sure doesn't mean you loved them any less.

    Best wishes this September.

  4. You know, it's not that the grief dulls. It becomes quieter and softer and sort of becomes a part of the background fabric that makes up our life. There are days and moments when the grief roars back to life and the focus on it clears...and those moments hurt like hell.

    Don't feel like the changing of your grief means you are forgetting Emily and Olivia. That will never happen. They are just being more fully integrated into the whole of your life.


  5. I don't think you'll ever forget. But I think you'll begin to remember differently. Letting go, a little, as if you were holding butterflies, and watching them lift off into the wind. Celebrating the beautiful experience of love that these two little girls gave you. And in the meantime, all you can do is feel what you feel. We're all here to witness with you, and hold you in our hearts when it hurts. *hug*

  6. I feel for you so much. September. The loss of a daughter. Our situations so different and yet those feelings of loss and what ifs are universal. I pray tht this Saturday your sweet little Emily Hope finds a way to show you she is with you always.

    As an aside, my sister had a very VERY difficult pregnancy, and my niece is named Emily Hope. When I read about your little girl, it makes me smile.

    I know you never saw her, but you held in. In the best way a mother can. and regardless of how brief her time with you, she is still yours, still precious, and still with you always. xx


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