Greetings Humble Readers...
I'm in a bit of a quandary. It's not anything I need to make a decision about. It's not anything that is going to change the course of my life. I'm just trying to figure out how I feel.
Here's the situation: You remember the wedding that we went to last weekend? My Beloved's nephew? He and his new bride have been a couple for a lot longer than my Beloved and I (they were highschool sweethearts), have lived together for the last couple of years (since she got her degree), and they are now in their mid-twenties. The weekend before the wedding, we found out that they are expecting.
My Beloved found out at a small family gathering. She's due around the end of March. Of course, they weren't really trying, they were just 'winging it'.
I'm hoping that no one judges me for what I'm about to say, but I really need to say it. I'm happy for them, but I'm a bit... irked? saddened? (dare I say) angry?
I believe I have mentioned before, my Beloved is the youngest in his family... by a lot. His next oldest sibling is 9 years older than him, and there are four older siblings. His oldest brother is just a couple years younger than my mom. The youngest of grandkids is 16 right now.
I have always known that our child(ren... hopefully) will be more like great-grandkids, and that they will be closer with their second cousins than their first cousins. And I knew that it was bound to happen sooner rather than later, but I guess I was naive enough to hope that it might not happen so soon.
All day at the wedding, I found myself watching her... in my head there was a bitchy voice critiquing and judging. (OMG... did she just light a cigarette? How much wine has she had?)
I don't know if this is just plain bold-faced jealousy... or if this is an IF emotional response. Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones. Maybe I'm feeling that our baby won't be as special. (my gawd, did I just write that?)
How can I be genuinely happy for them when I have all this baggage? And I honestly do want to be happy for them.
I feel like such a schmuck.
I have so been there!! I have waited so long for this little one that I don't want anyone else overshadow her arrival. Selfish? Yes. But after all that we have went through I think that it is very normal. And if it is not I hope that no one tells me!!!
ReplyDeleteBTW, I am not sure if anyone else has this issue, but the 3 tickers at the top of your page cause my computer to freeze up for a few minutes and then I have to choose to abort the script to continue. It makes it hard to read your blog sometimes. Not sure if it can be fixed or not, but just wanted to let ya know!
You are NOT a schmuck. We come with baggage...a lot of it...and it isn't easy to be happy for others sometimes. Okay? Breathe. HUGS
ReplyDeleteYou are normal and it's totally normal to feel that way. I would too. :-) Even after conceiving naturally I still feel angry at people who don't have to try. Technically we didn't really have to try this time, so maybe I should be pissed at myself? I do sometimes tell myself that I'm one of "those people" who I really despise because of it. lol But anyway, yeah being infertile sucks and makes us bitches, but we have all the right in the world to be that way. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI think your feelings are totally normal for everything you have gone thru and are going thru. It's hard when it feels like your thunder has been stolen.
ReplyDeleteHey. if you think about it... could you post something on your FB page just to let people know you and the babe are doing well? I've had a few people come to me with questions and concerns.
I still have jealous/envious feelings when someone gets pregnany effortlessly, even though I am thrilled with my own baby. It is human nature, I think.
ReplyDeleteYour baby will be so amazingly special to you, and to your family. No doubt.
Oy. Yeah, you're so not a schmuck. I'm six years into TTC without ever having been pregnant, and unless a major windfall of money or a miracle occurs, I probably never will be. I get pissy/jealous/irked/whatever emotion you want to call it ALL. THE. TIME. when I hear about people that either get pregnant easily or bitch and moan about "omg it's been three months and nothing". Whatever.
ReplyDeleteI digress...
Honestly, my rule of thumb and how I live my life is these are your emotions, you're entitled to them. Just because you're angry at the universe and jealous as Hell because someone got pregnant easily doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you HUMAN. A human who has walked through Hell and back and hopes to God to get out of the fires. It doesn't mean you're not happy *in whatever way you can be* for that person. It hurts. As long as you're not taking out the anger in unhealthy destructive ways, I say roll with the emotions, ride the wave, and let them subside and be on their way. They usually have a way of working themselves out. Don't be so hard on yourself. And always remember...God is always ready to take your troubles if you're willing to take them to Him in prayer. He alone has the power to heal your heart. I will say an extra prayer for your hurt tonight.
(((((HUGS)))))!!!!!!
You are not a schmuck. We can't control the way we feel but we can control our behavior. As long as you weren't outwardly bitchy (and I know you weren't), you were just being a normal hormonal pregnant infertile. Sucks, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteLots of love and hugs.
I agree with what everyone is saying here. What a tough situation to be in! I have those same irrational feeling around being special too. I am really glad all of my siblings are pregnant, but it seems to have made everyone forget that I had a problem getting here. Even when I remind them!
ReplyDeleteSo don't feel bad about feeling your feelings! It's not like you let them control how you acted towards others.
And she was drinking and smoking at the wedding? What the what??