Confession Time: Fears & Worries

Hey Humble Readers...

My friend, Minta, has just recently found out that she's expecting her second wee one.  She's also a baby-loss mama, and is dealing with a lot of fear and anxiety right now, as she waits for her viability ultrasound tomorrow.  If you've got a minute please pop over and share some love. 

And in reading where she's at right now, it is impossible to for me to continue to deny my own fears.  I have avoided actually writing about them because speaking them aloud is a scary thing. 

You would think, this being my second go round down this road, that the fears would be less intense.  You'd think that I would be more confident in my body's ability to pull this off.  Many people in my life have even said as much.  "This pregnancy must be so much easier on you, so much less stressful." 

I wish!

In the beginning, I had all the usual fears that go along with having dealt with pregnancy losses. 

Will this bean stick? 

Is there a heartbeat? 

Will this one make it through the first trimester?

Now, as we approach the end of this journey, new worries are gaining strength.

I worry about the Halfling getting too big, even though I'm doing everything I can to keep my blood sugars under control.

I worry about the low lying placenta.  Is it placenta previa?  Will I have to go on bed rest?  How will I care for Ginny and my Beloved if I'm relegated to the couch? 

And, heaven help me, what about all the delivery risks that go along with placenta previa? 

I'm afraid of pre-eclampsia.  I'm afraid that I will end up with pre-e and have to have an emergency c-section. 

I'm afraid that if I have to have an emergency c-section, the doctors won't be able to get to the baby quick enough because of my size (read: super plus size) and scar tissue.

And because all my genetic screening was messed up, I'm now starting to worry about he Halfling being healthy.  But of course, I'm too chicken to have an amnio done... go figure.

I swear I won't feel confident in this pregnancy until I actually have this Halfling in my arms.  I know that worry won't change the outcome, no matter what.  I just can't seem to shut off that little voice that says that this pregnancy is doomed.

Before Ginny, motherhood was a vague idea.  Something I hoped for, but didn't truly understand on practical level.  Now, I know what I'll be losing.  And that scares me the most.

(I'm not really a basket case, I'm just having a rough patch.  I just needed to get this all out there)