Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Emily Hope

Today is what was my estimated due date for our first little one.

I can't help but think about what she would have been like... her personality, her eyes, her little fingers and toes. It's funny, I don't really have a mental image of her, like I do for Olivia. I can't help but think about what my life would have been like if she were here now. *sigh*

I'm sad, and the grief is still there... just not so sharp edged as it was. My life is a good one. I have a wonderful loving husband (who willingly does the laundry), a good secure job (even if I do complain sometimes), and I'm healthy (weight and fertility issues notwithstanding). We are proud owners of our little condo and Petey the PT cruiser is paid for. Both our families are healthy and happy. We have started to look forward to other things... other than a baby that is... a trip to visit my parents in the early summer, and our much-delayed honeymoon in NYC.

But those little bean-shaped holes in my heart are still there. I don't imagine they will ever go away. I don't want them to go away.


  1. {{HUGS}} I can only imagine how hard this date must be for you.

  2. Dear, Sweet Ms. Gamgee--I was touched by your post. I am sorry you are hurting and are having many "what ifs" about your sweet girl.

    For what it's worth, I think your not wanting the "holes in your heart" to go away shows your inner strength.

    I like the way you described this--the heartache that you don't want to lose--Thanks for helping me find words to describe the feeling.

  3. you....
    I am coming up on my EDD. I am lucky to be pregnant, but I am still so sad to think I'd be giving birth right now, instead of waiting and hoping and worrying. That sounds selfish, sorry.

    Barbara Kingsolver said that any woman who has lost a baby will always know how old that child would be. I believe it!


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