Hey Humble Readers...
When I first saw the theme for this month for the PAIL bloggers... "so when are you going to have another baby", I honestly thought I didn't have much to say on the subject.
My Beloved and I have always, from before we were even engaged, agreed that two children was going to be it for us. Of course, if we had been blessed with twins the second time around, after the initial freak out was over, we would have been thrilled. But as far as it was within our control, we wanted two.
And now we have our two precious wee-lings.
And I had a tubal ligation.
And my Beloved is going to get 'snipped' later this summer.
And then I realized that I do have something to say on the topic.
Some of our friends and family think it overkill for both my Beloved and I to take steps toward permanent contraception. And some in the ALI/PAIL/IF/RPL worlds might wonder why we are taking such drastic measures when we tried so hard for so long to get our take-home babies.
And that's exactly the point.
We tried hard. We went through our own personal hell to get to this point. After two losses, and two not-so-easy pregnancies, we are ready to be done with the family building portion of our lives. (This doesn't mean that I feel I have outgrown the ALI/PAIL community. But that's a different post, for a different day.)
Add in the fact that my Beloved is soon to be 41 and I'm soon to be 38. We aren't what you would call spring chickens. With the added challenge of my high blood pressure, the surety of gestational diabetes being even worse a third time around, the increased anxiety that would be sure to haunt me again, and the horrible c-section experience I had with Pip... let's just say that I'm not ready to walk down that road again.
I confess there are selfish reasons too. I enjoy not feeling the need to restrict myself from things like taking ibuprophen when my back hurts, a glass of wine after dinner, or colouring my hair. I like the idea of not having to take my temperature every day, of not having to be a toilet paper inspector, of not having that constant debate to pee on a stick or not, and not always living in the calendar 40 weeks from now. I won't miss worrying about the length of my luteal phase, and analyzing every little twinge in my body. And I refuse to be taking hormonal birth control for the next twenty years.
Will I ever be able to note my period's arrival without a twinge of sadness? I hope so. I hope that someday it will be just the normal inconvenience it is for millions of women. I hope that cramps become something to bitch about and not something to worry about.
There's also a family history that we had to take into account. There were 'surprises' in both our families many years ago. The fact that my Beloved even exists is due to the fact that his father's vasectomy reversed itself. And my bio-mom had two miscarraiges after her tubes were supposedly tied. Even though both situations were likely the result of shoddy medical procedures, I don't think I could face another miscarraige and while an oops-baby would be just as loved and cherished, I know that it wouldn't be good for my physical or mental health to be pregnant again.
That's why we chose to go with two such permanent solutions to birth control.
So, when some of the little old ladies at church ask when we're going to have our next one, or when my Grandpa jokes about 'number three', I tell them that we've stopped at two. And there is almost ALWAYS that little grin that says 'ahh, but accidents happen'. Yes, accidents do happen. But my Beloved and I have done everything we can to ensure that it won't happen to us.
My biological clock has officially been stopped.
And I'm totally okay with that.
Showing posts with label ttc. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ttc. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Saturday, August 13, 2011
The Second Time Around
Hey Humble Readers...
I have struggled with this post for a few weeks, but I think I am ready to put this out there.
It isn't a secret that I thought I was ready to start ttc again pretty much right away after Ginny was born. Given our history, I wanted to get right back at it. I'm going to be 37 this fall, and my Beloved turns the big 4-0 in a matter of days now. To that end, I started temping and charting again as soon as AF showed up the first time, at three months post partum.
And it was right in that time frame that the dreaded PPD started it's beat down on me. So, there I was, freaking out about wonky temps, my late O, and (omg is this for real??) 14 day luteal phase, while feeling like complete crap about myself. And then the financial woes came on. Oh, and how about that completely non-existent libido?
Do you see the problem here? I'm putting all kinds of pressure on myself to achieve something that it took 3 years to do the first time around, and I am in a piss poor emotional state and stressed to the max. Not a great situation.
So, after some tearful discussions with my Beloved, I stopped temping, and put the thermometer away. I stopped tracking my cycle entirely. I put my FF account on hold.
I'm sure that some of you understand this. For someone who has spent the last 3 years being beyond intimately acquainted with the inner workings of her reproductive system, just allowing things to do what they will, without any sort of acknowledgement or critique, has driven me insane. While I know it does nothing, tracking my cycle gave me a sense of direction, of having an element of control over something impossible to cognitively control. The same questions roll through my head constantly. When did AF start? Did I O? Has my LP gone back to 11-12 days? Good God, am I pregnant?
I wanted to tear my hair out. I wanted to scream, 'WTF is going on?'. I berated myself for not paying closer attention to the date (I tend to lose track of time now that I'm not working outside the home). Phantom symptoms were just as bad as they were before Ginny. And poor Kristin has had to put up with hopeful and sadly resigned emails from me every few weeks. (Thank you, friend)
Yeah, the insanity is still there.
And that makes me wonder, will it ever go away? How in the world did I get through each cycle so nonchalantly before TTC entered my life? Will I ever be 'normal' again?
Not tracking my cycle was supposed to ease the stress, but instead, it's just added a whole new level of angst. And then of course there's something akin to survivor's guilt that keeps me from wanting to talk about these frustrations here, the place that should be the safest. The merry-go-round just keeps turning.
So, for good or ill, with my next cycle I will be back to tracking and temping. I will be checking my cm and evaluating the minute twinges I feel. We will officially be back into the world of ttc and, please God, may it not take as long or be as fraught with landmines as last time around.
A hobbit can only take this level of insanity for so long. The insanity you know is always better than that which you don't know, right? It has to be.
(Oh, I'm somewhere between 8-10dpo, I think. Happy tww!)
I have struggled with this post for a few weeks, but I think I am ready to put this out there.
It isn't a secret that I thought I was ready to start ttc again pretty much right away after Ginny was born. Given our history, I wanted to get right back at it. I'm going to be 37 this fall, and my Beloved turns the big 4-0 in a matter of days now. To that end, I started temping and charting again as soon as AF showed up the first time, at three months post partum.
And it was right in that time frame that the dreaded PPD started it's beat down on me. So, there I was, freaking out about wonky temps, my late O, and (omg is this for real??) 14 day luteal phase, while feeling like complete crap about myself. And then the financial woes came on. Oh, and how about that completely non-existent libido?
Do you see the problem here? I'm putting all kinds of pressure on myself to achieve something that it took 3 years to do the first time around, and I am in a piss poor emotional state and stressed to the max. Not a great situation.
So, after some tearful discussions with my Beloved, I stopped temping, and put the thermometer away. I stopped tracking my cycle entirely. I put my FF account on hold.
I'm sure that some of you understand this. For someone who has spent the last 3 years being beyond intimately acquainted with the inner workings of her reproductive system, just allowing things to do what they will, without any sort of acknowledgement or critique, has driven me insane. While I know it does nothing, tracking my cycle gave me a sense of direction, of having an element of control over something impossible to cognitively control. The same questions roll through my head constantly. When did AF start? Did I O? Has my LP gone back to 11-12 days? Good God, am I pregnant?
I wanted to tear my hair out. I wanted to scream, 'WTF is going on?'. I berated myself for not paying closer attention to the date (I tend to lose track of time now that I'm not working outside the home). Phantom symptoms were just as bad as they were before Ginny. And poor Kristin has had to put up with hopeful and sadly resigned emails from me every few weeks. (Thank you, friend)
Yeah, the insanity is still there.
And that makes me wonder, will it ever go away? How in the world did I get through each cycle so nonchalantly before TTC entered my life? Will I ever be 'normal' again?
Not tracking my cycle was supposed to ease the stress, but instead, it's just added a whole new level of angst. And then of course there's something akin to survivor's guilt that keeps me from wanting to talk about these frustrations here, the place that should be the safest. The merry-go-round just keeps turning.
So, for good or ill, with my next cycle I will be back to tracking and temping. I will be checking my cm and evaluating the minute twinges I feel. We will officially be back into the world of ttc and, please God, may it not take as long or be as fraught with landmines as last time around.
A hobbit can only take this level of insanity for so long. The insanity you know is always better than that which you don't know, right? It has to be.
(Oh, I'm somewhere between 8-10dpo, I think. Happy tww!)
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Hobbit-ish Potpurri: In Like A Lion
Hey Humble Readers...
I know that I whine a lot about the weather, and really there's no point to it... BUT I have to say that even for Canada, this is getting ridiculous! When my Beloved left for work this morning it was -25C (-40C with the wind). Our normal average temp this time of year is -3C. And Environment Canada just released their forecast for the next three months, and they are saying to expect a slow, cold spring. Argh! I just want to get out and go for walks!
*****
Confession time... after my initial huge weightloss after Ginny was born, things plateaued big time, and in the last few weeks things have started going in the other direction. The fact that I'm baking more often now isn't helping things, that's for sure. I need to get more active. I have been really intrigued by Zumba, but a gym membership isn't in the budget just now, so I went looking for dvds. Couldn't find anything online called Zumba, except for a book. In the end, I decided on a dance workout dvd done by one of the Dancing With The Stars pros. We'll see how it goes.
*****
My Beloved is getting kinda antsy about Jeopardy. He spends part of every evening brushing up on trivia and he talks about it all the time. It's really kind of cute. I'm not looking forward to being apart from him for three days (I know I'm a wuss), but I am hoping that above all this is just a great experience for him. Of course, if he does well and ends up on the show, well, that wouldn't be a bad thing either.
*****
I have a question for all the moms out there... more specifically those of you who had heartburn during pregnancy. Did your heartburn go away? Ever? I've tried to wean myself off the Zan.tac, but I'm hurting here. I'm going to be seeing Dr. B in a couple weeks... I just don't want to be on meds for this for the rest of my life.
*****
I've been feeling some twinges that are making me think that AF might be fixing to make a come back. I find I'm actually looking forward to it, because I want to see what my cycle is like now. Will it be the same as before? Will my luteal phase miraculously reset to what it should be? Or wil there be new and scary changes? I'm planning on a going a cycle or two with out the supplements that I took to extend my luteal phase (b-vitamins, baby aspirin, etc), just to see where things are at. We're hoping to be back at the ttc game by late spring/early summer. This here hobbit ain't getting any younger.
I know that I whine a lot about the weather, and really there's no point to it... BUT I have to say that even for Canada, this is getting ridiculous! When my Beloved left for work this morning it was -25C (-40C with the wind). Our normal average temp this time of year is -3C. And Environment Canada just released their forecast for the next three months, and they are saying to expect a slow, cold spring. Argh! I just want to get out and go for walks!
*****
Confession time... after my initial huge weightloss after Ginny was born, things plateaued big time, and in the last few weeks things have started going in the other direction. The fact that I'm baking more often now isn't helping things, that's for sure. I need to get more active. I have been really intrigued by Zumba, but a gym membership isn't in the budget just now, so I went looking for dvds. Couldn't find anything online called Zumba, except for a book. In the end, I decided on a dance workout dvd done by one of the Dancing With The Stars pros. We'll see how it goes.
*****
My Beloved is getting kinda antsy about Jeopardy. He spends part of every evening brushing up on trivia and he talks about it all the time. It's really kind of cute. I'm not looking forward to being apart from him for three days (I know I'm a wuss), but I am hoping that above all this is just a great experience for him. Of course, if he does well and ends up on the show, well, that wouldn't be a bad thing either.
*****
I have a question for all the moms out there... more specifically those of you who had heartburn during pregnancy. Did your heartburn go away? Ever? I've tried to wean myself off the Zan.tac, but I'm hurting here. I'm going to be seeing Dr. B in a couple weeks... I just don't want to be on meds for this for the rest of my life.
*****
I've been feeling some twinges that are making me think that AF might be fixing to make a come back. I find I'm actually looking forward to it, because I want to see what my cycle is like now. Will it be the same as before? Will my luteal phase miraculously reset to what it should be? Or wil there be new and scary changes? I'm planning on a going a cycle or two with out the supplements that I took to extend my luteal phase (b-vitamins, baby aspirin, etc), just to see where things are at. We're hoping to be back at the ttc game by late spring/early summer. This here hobbit ain't getting any younger.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Definition of Frustration
Humble Readers, please bear with me...
(and if you are one of my non-IF readers, please feel free to skip this post... IF irrationality follows)
We have been ttc for 2 years...
I have tracked 21 cycles (halfway thru #22).
I have had 2 anovulatory cycles which were recovery cycles after losses.
So, 19 ovulatory cycles... 13 of which have had O on CD 14 or 15. (a couple CD13s and CD16s thrown in for aggravation's sake).
My last two cycles, as I have bemoaned to death, have had O on CD17.
I have had EWCM for a week! Not just a little, but a lot. My temps are still relatively low, and I'm going insane. I know that a 2-3 day difference in my O shouldn't be a big fat hairy deal, but it's driving me nuts.
If I don't O tomorrow, I think I might do something unthinkable to my thermometer.
(yes, the rational part of me knows that stressing about O can cause it to be delayed... but just because I know it doesn't mean I can make myself stop stressing)
Ok, rant over. We now return you to your regularly scheduled ramblings.
Response to questions: OPKs have never been that effective for me. The few times that I tried using them, I found myself even more stressed out about missing the surge. Thank you for the suggestion, tho.
(and if you are one of my non-IF readers, please feel free to skip this post... IF irrationality follows)
We have been ttc for 2 years...
I have tracked 21 cycles (halfway thru #22).
I have had 2 anovulatory cycles which were recovery cycles after losses.
So, 19 ovulatory cycles... 13 of which have had O on CD 14 or 15. (a couple CD13s and CD16s thrown in for aggravation's sake).
My last two cycles, as I have bemoaned to death, have had O on CD17.
Today is CD16.
I have had EWCM for a week! Not just a little, but a lot. My temps are still relatively low, and I'm going insane. I know that a 2-3 day difference in my O shouldn't be a big fat hairy deal, but it's driving me nuts.
If I don't O tomorrow, I think I might do something unthinkable to my thermometer.
(yes, the rational part of me knows that stressing about O can cause it to be delayed... but just because I know it doesn't mean I can make myself stop stressing)
Ok, rant over. We now return you to your regularly scheduled ramblings.
Response to questions: OPKs have never been that effective for me. The few times that I tried using them, I found myself even more stressed out about missing the surge. Thank you for the suggestion, tho.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Hobbit-ish Potpurri: Total Randomness
Good Evening Humble Readers!
Ok, you all have been so busy posting today, that now that I've gotten caught up, I'm pooped and ready to hit the sack. I'll give you just a little run down, potpurri-style.
*******
Sock It To Me - Yay! I missed out on this last year and I am so stoked that Kym is going to run it twice this year! Really, who doesn't love the idea of getting socks in the mail? Especially from my bloggy friends! Stop by I'm A Smart One and check it out...
*******
I've been exercising every day. A couple of my friends from work and I have agreed to hold each other accountable for increasing our activity levels. It's only been a few days, but I'm proud of myself. I'm really feeling it in my joints tho. Getting old, I guess.
*******
I've decided that my lady parts are suffering from some sort of multiple personality disorder... First, the screwy late O the last couple of months, now on CD12 I'm feeling like AF is just around the corner again... backache, cramping. Just weird.
*******
I made a purchase the other day that makes me smile all the time. It's stupid... are you ready? I found these ice cube trays that make long skinny ice cubes, so they can fit in a water bottle. How cool is that?
*******
I love the Winter Olympics! I am so excited that they are going to be in Vancouver (even if I don't get to go). Canada may struggle at the Summer Games, but winter... now that's our time to shine. There is a new Ni.ke commercial that I saw for the first time last week. I LOVE this commercial...
Eh! Oh! Canada Go! (yeah I'm just lame enough to jump on that bandwagon too) Having one of the few relatively cute professional hockey players in the commercial is definitely a bonus. Iggy is easy on the eyes.
Ok, you all have been so busy posting today, that now that I've gotten caught up, I'm pooped and ready to hit the sack. I'll give you just a little run down, potpurri-style.
*******
Sock It To Me - Yay! I missed out on this last year and I am so stoked that Kym is going to run it twice this year! Really, who doesn't love the idea of getting socks in the mail? Especially from my bloggy friends! Stop by I'm A Smart One and check it out...
*******
I've been exercising every day. A couple of my friends from work and I have agreed to hold each other accountable for increasing our activity levels. It's only been a few days, but I'm proud of myself. I'm really feeling it in my joints tho. Getting old, I guess.
*******
I've decided that my lady parts are suffering from some sort of multiple personality disorder... First, the screwy late O the last couple of months, now on CD12 I'm feeling like AF is just around the corner again... backache, cramping. Just weird.
*******
I made a purchase the other day that makes me smile all the time. It's stupid... are you ready? I found these ice cube trays that make long skinny ice cubes, so they can fit in a water bottle. How cool is that?
*******
I love the Winter Olympics! I am so excited that they are going to be in Vancouver (even if I don't get to go). Canada may struggle at the Summer Games, but winter... now that's our time to shine. There is a new Ni.ke commercial that I saw for the first time last week. I LOVE this commercial...
Eh! Oh! Canada Go! (yeah I'm just lame enough to jump on that bandwagon too) Having one of the few relatively cute professional hockey players in the commercial is definitely a bonus. Iggy is easy on the eyes.
Monday, September 14, 2009
They Say You Can Never Go Back
Good Morning Humble Readers...
I have had these thoughts percolating for a while, and I think it's time to get them down on 'paper'. I will preface this by saying that, if you are going through a tough time right now, you might want to skip this post. I won't mind...
I recently went back to some of the message boards I used to frequent. There are women there who I miss. They are women who started on this journey around the same time as me, and we shared our excitement about becoming mommies, celebrated each other's successes and mourned each other's losses. They supported me through our miscarriages, encouraged me when we were waiting for tests and for the go ahead to try again. These women are incredible, strong, veterans of the road we travel. Many of them are dealing with RPL like me, and some have had heartbreaking numbers of losses.
I had stopped posting on the message boards back in the spring, when it became apparent that we were going to have to take an extended break. I felt that I didn't want to be a downer, whining about having to wait to try again... so I excused myself. (Of course that didn't stop me from whining here... my apologies, Humble Readers). I also knew that reading about them moving ahead would be difficult.
I went back recently, genuinely hoping that most, if not all, of the ladies there would have been able to move on... yes, I know it was an unlikely thing, but I hoped it for them anyway.
I started reading some of the recent posts and was saddened to see so many names I recognized. I was saddened further to read how down they all were.
We all have our bad days. A bfn, a failed cycle, discovery of a cyst, the flu at exactly the wrong time... all of these things can bring us low. I am not making light of those emotions. We all need to process them, grieve our losses big and small, and we often need the support of those who truly understand our situation to help us get through.
But when does commiserating become something more? When does it become a vicious cycle that has no end? When do we stop trying to one up each other with how sad we are?
How do we pull ourselves up out of our darkness? How do we help each other when things seem to be spiralling into the abyss?
I have long believed that the only thing we have control over in this world is our response to it. Barring a chemical imbalance, we get to choose how we respond to the things that happen in our lives. That doesn't mean we don't get sad, but we do get to choose whether to let that sadness overwhelm us or to start moving forward.
I'm in a good, hopeful and, dare I say, content place right now. I want to celebrate that. And at the same time I want to support these ladies... but I don't want to blow sunshine and rainbows.
Maybe after this cycle comes back as a bfn, I won't be so happy, maybe then I will feel like I fit in again with them. But I don't want to let that change my happiness in this moment. We all live in two week incriments... shouldn't we take the joy where we can?
Is it wrong that I choose to be happy?
I have had these thoughts percolating for a while, and I think it's time to get them down on 'paper'. I will preface this by saying that, if you are going through a tough time right now, you might want to skip this post. I won't mind...
I recently went back to some of the message boards I used to frequent. There are women there who I miss. They are women who started on this journey around the same time as me, and we shared our excitement about becoming mommies, celebrated each other's successes and mourned each other's losses. They supported me through our miscarriages, encouraged me when we were waiting for tests and for the go ahead to try again. These women are incredible, strong, veterans of the road we travel. Many of them are dealing with RPL like me, and some have had heartbreaking numbers of losses.
I had stopped posting on the message boards back in the spring, when it became apparent that we were going to have to take an extended break. I felt that I didn't want to be a downer, whining about having to wait to try again... so I excused myself. (Of course that didn't stop me from whining here... my apologies, Humble Readers). I also knew that reading about them moving ahead would be difficult.
I went back recently, genuinely hoping that most, if not all, of the ladies there would have been able to move on... yes, I know it was an unlikely thing, but I hoped it for them anyway.
I started reading some of the recent posts and was saddened to see so many names I recognized. I was saddened further to read how down they all were.
We all have our bad days. A bfn, a failed cycle, discovery of a cyst, the flu at exactly the wrong time... all of these things can bring us low. I am not making light of those emotions. We all need to process them, grieve our losses big and small, and we often need the support of those who truly understand our situation to help us get through.
But when does commiserating become something more? When does it become a vicious cycle that has no end? When do we stop trying to one up each other with how sad we are?
How do we pull ourselves up out of our darkness? How do we help each other when things seem to be spiralling into the abyss?
I have long believed that the only thing we have control over in this world is our response to it. Barring a chemical imbalance, we get to choose how we respond to the things that happen in our lives. That doesn't mean we don't get sad, but we do get to choose whether to let that sadness overwhelm us or to start moving forward.
I'm in a good, hopeful and, dare I say, content place right now. I want to celebrate that. And at the same time I want to support these ladies... but I don't want to blow sunshine and rainbows.
Maybe after this cycle comes back as a bfn, I won't be so happy, maybe then I will feel like I fit in again with them. But I don't want to let that change my happiness in this moment. We all live in two week incriments... shouldn't we take the joy where we can?
Is it wrong that I choose to be happy?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Lessons Learned During The Break
Good Evening Humble Readers...
It's been a crazy week. My Beloved and I thank you so much for all your support. Each day brings it's own challenges, but we and Mom C, and the rest of the family are making it through.
In the midst of all this, time has flown... and I can officially say that our ttc break is over. Granted, I'm on the downward slope toward AF, but as soon as she's packed her bags, we are back to the baby-making, or my favourite new ttc abbreviation... GOF (goal oriented f.... well, you get the idea).
While it wasn't intentional when we booked our trip way back in February, the timing is impeccable. Prime baby making time falls right in the middle of our trip.
Honestly, I feel like we've been on a break since the m/c in January, with all the testing and procedures. I am trying not to put a lot of pressure on either of us, but I'm ready for this to happen soon.
To that end, we have made a few decisions. First up, if we are not pregnant by Christmas, then we are going to push for more intensive testing. And if we do get pregnant, and the unbearable should happen again, then we obviously will be looking at our options. One thing we absolutely agree on is that IVF is not for us. We may consider IUI, but that is still uncertain. Tentatively, we have set next summer as when we will start talking seriously about adoption.
This break time has taught me a few things... or perhaps reminded me of things I knew before ttc and m/c's overtook my life.
It's been a crazy week. My Beloved and I thank you so much for all your support. Each day brings it's own challenges, but we and Mom C, and the rest of the family are making it through.
In the midst of all this, time has flown... and I can officially say that our ttc break is over. Granted, I'm on the downward slope toward AF, but as soon as she's packed her bags, we are back to the baby-making, or my favourite new ttc abbreviation... GOF (goal oriented f.... well, you get the idea).
While it wasn't intentional when we booked our trip way back in February, the timing is impeccable. Prime baby making time falls right in the middle of our trip.
Honestly, I feel like we've been on a break since the m/c in January, with all the testing and procedures. I am trying not to put a lot of pressure on either of us, but I'm ready for this to happen soon.
To that end, we have made a few decisions. First up, if we are not pregnant by Christmas, then we are going to push for more intensive testing. And if we do get pregnant, and the unbearable should happen again, then we obviously will be looking at our options. One thing we absolutely agree on is that IVF is not for us. We may consider IUI, but that is still uncertain. Tentatively, we have set next summer as when we will start talking seriously about adoption.
This break time has taught me a few things... or perhaps reminded me of things I knew before ttc and m/c's overtook my life.
- I love my Beloved more than I could ever thought possible.
- I have reserves of strength that I didn't know were there
- I can survive heartbreak
- Patience really is a virtue.
and...
- My (blankety blank) boobs hurt during my lp EVERY (blankety blank) time, so I will not fall for that old bait and switch trick that my cycle plays on me!
- AF can arrive without me pee-ing on a stick first!
So, off we go... and who knows? Maybe we'll come home from NYC with an extra special souvenir.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Confessions of a Bored Infertile
Good Evening Humble Readers... I hope this post makes sense, as I am very tired at the moment.
** Usual disclaimer ** If you are a reader who knows me irl, and have no interest in hearing about my 'plumbing', you might want to skip this post.
I'm feeling a little like Ross on Friends... I have to keep reminding myself that we are 'on a break'. I know that it is highly, HIGHLY unlikely that I'm going to need to even consider testing this cycle. Or next cycle. I mean we are using condoms after all... geez!
And yet, here we are... 12 dpo and I'm still fixated on the mild heartburn I had yesterday and of course the sore boobs. Ridiculous! I KNOW that AF is going to show up tomorrow. So, why can't I just let this obsession go?
In an attempt to distract myself from the "am I?" question running around my brain, I have spent some time pondering my ovulation charts. I've noticed something that I'm wondering about.
Throughout the winter and spring, each cycle I generally had 5-6 days of the good cm. In fact, there were a few cycles that I thought I was going to ovulate earlier than normal because I had early ewcm. The last few months I have had very scant cm... barely 4 days, and not in the amounts I have gotten accustomed to.
So, I'm wondering if this is a result of the testing I've had in recent months. The hysteroscopy, the HSG, etc. Or could it be because it's summer... it's hot, and I have not been as good about drinking my water as I should have? Because I was pregnant at this point last summer, I don't have any charts to compare.
Anyone have any thoughts?
Another thing that has been niggling in the back of my brain... my luteal phase. I know that it's not supposed to change all that much from cycle to cycle, but mine has continuously gotten longer. I have had 11, 12, 12.5, and now almost 13 day LP. I know that longer is better, and I think it might be a result of the vitamin B I've been taking for quite a while.
Again, I ask, any thoughts?
Ok... I think that's it for now. I'm falling asleep as I type.
** Usual disclaimer ** If you are a reader who knows me irl, and have no interest in hearing about my 'plumbing', you might want to skip this post.
I'm feeling a little like Ross on Friends... I have to keep reminding myself that we are 'on a break'. I know that it is highly, HIGHLY unlikely that I'm going to need to even consider testing this cycle. Or next cycle. I mean we are using condoms after all... geez!
And yet, here we are... 12 dpo and I'm still fixated on the mild heartburn I had yesterday and of course the sore boobs. Ridiculous! I KNOW that AF is going to show up tomorrow. So, why can't I just let this obsession go?
In an attempt to distract myself from the "am I?" question running around my brain, I have spent some time pondering my ovulation charts. I've noticed something that I'm wondering about.
Throughout the winter and spring, each cycle I generally had 5-6 days of the good cm. In fact, there were a few cycles that I thought I was going to ovulate earlier than normal because I had early ewcm. The last few months I have had very scant cm... barely 4 days, and not in the amounts I have gotten accustomed to.
So, I'm wondering if this is a result of the testing I've had in recent months. The hysteroscopy, the HSG, etc. Or could it be because it's summer... it's hot, and I have not been as good about drinking my water as I should have? Because I was pregnant at this point last summer, I don't have any charts to compare.
Anyone have any thoughts?
Another thing that has been niggling in the back of my brain... my luteal phase. I know that it's not supposed to change all that much from cycle to cycle, but mine has continuously gotten longer. I have had 11, 12, 12.5, and now almost 13 day LP. I know that longer is better, and I think it might be a result of the vitamin B I've been taking for quite a while.
Again, I ask, any thoughts?
Ok... I think that's it for now. I'm falling asleep as I type.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
I Can't Shut It Off...
I have said it here, and I've made it clear to those in my life who know about our IF journey... we are on a break! Taking the summer off from actively trying, relaxing a bit, but mostly so that I don't have to worry about being in my first trimester while we are in NYC.
So why can't I shut off that part of my brain?
Why can't I stop wondering if that one slip we had around O time is going to lead to the pregnancy I've dreamed of?
Why can't I turn the pregnancy monitor on my FF chart off?
Why did I feel the need this morning to check with Dr. Google to see when my first trimester might end if I actually was pregnant?
Why, when my chart has shown countless false implantation dips, did I feel that little flutter of hope when I entered my temp this morning?
I don't want this summer to be wasted in that limbo between worry and hope. Where is that peace that I hoped to feel?
So why can't I shut off that part of my brain?
Why can't I stop wondering if that one slip we had around O time is going to lead to the pregnancy I've dreamed of?
Why can't I turn the pregnancy monitor on my FF chart off?
Why did I feel the need this morning to check with Dr. Google to see when my first trimester might end if I actually was pregnant?
Why, when my chart has shown countless false implantation dips, did I feel that little flutter of hope when I entered my temp this morning?
I don't want this summer to be wasted in that limbo between worry and hope. Where is that peace that I hoped to feel?
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Time Crunch
Good Morning humble readers...
Some of you may recall that at my last OB appointment, I was put on a waiting list for a hysteroscopy for the purposes of removing a polyp. Well, in the last two days I have gotten a ton of phone calls from the pre-admissions clinic.
First, they wanted to set me up on June 11th... not good for two reasons. That week we have our regional manager in the store, and I need to be there (as much as I'm not looking forward to it... she and I just don't mesh well). Also, my OB told me at my last appointment that it could take a couple months before they could get me in, and to just try like bunnies between now and then because we could always cancel the procedure if I do get pregnant. If I were to go ahead with the procedure on the 11th, then I would only be 4 or 5DPO, too early to determine if I was pregnant, and we have been trying.
So, they accepted that and told me they would get back to me with the next available date. I thought it would take another few weeks before I would hear from them again. Nope! Got the call yesterday... June 23rd. Ok, that works well for me. I'm on a vacation week, so I won't be missing any more work. And I will know definitively by then if I am pregnant. Great... it's booked.
Then I get another call from pre-admissions. They need to set up a pre-consult with anesthesia. Gah! I imagine that it's because of my size, but I did fine under general anesthesia last time. So I have to juggle my work schedule just to go for a half hour appointment the week before.
I'm just praying that I get my bfp... and maybe even get it a day or two early... then I won't have to go for either appointment.
If any of you have had a hysteroscopy, can you give me a heads up? I imagine it will be like HSG in terms of pain, but is there anything else that I need to know?
Some of you may recall that at my last OB appointment, I was put on a waiting list for a hysteroscopy for the purposes of removing a polyp. Well, in the last two days I have gotten a ton of phone calls from the pre-admissions clinic.
First, they wanted to set me up on June 11th... not good for two reasons. That week we have our regional manager in the store, and I need to be there (as much as I'm not looking forward to it... she and I just don't mesh well). Also, my OB told me at my last appointment that it could take a couple months before they could get me in, and to just try like bunnies between now and then because we could always cancel the procedure if I do get pregnant. If I were to go ahead with the procedure on the 11th, then I would only be 4 or 5DPO, too early to determine if I was pregnant, and we have been trying.
So, they accepted that and told me they would get back to me with the next available date. I thought it would take another few weeks before I would hear from them again. Nope! Got the call yesterday... June 23rd. Ok, that works well for me. I'm on a vacation week, so I won't be missing any more work. And I will know definitively by then if I am pregnant. Great... it's booked.
Then I get another call from pre-admissions. They need to set up a pre-consult with anesthesia. Gah! I imagine that it's because of my size, but I did fine under general anesthesia last time. So I have to juggle my work schedule just to go for a half hour appointment the week before.
I'm just praying that I get my bfp... and maybe even get it a day or two early... then I won't have to go for either appointment.
If any of you have had a hysteroscopy, can you give me a heads up? I imagine it will be like HSG in terms of pain, but is there anything else that I need to know?
Subscribe to:
Posts
(
Atom
)