The Fog is Lifting (aka The Self-Analysis Post)

Well, Humble Readers... it seems that the fog, and the funk, is clearing.

Is it because it has finally stopped snowing? (Yes, that's right. Here on the northern flatland, we had an early taste of winter. This has been the coldest October in almost 25 years... and of course it followed the hottest September on record. Go figure!) Is it because the thermometer is closer to normal temperatures for this time of year?

Is it because I have just spent two hours baking? (One batch of glazed pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and two loaves of cinnamon loaf. Peanut butter chocolate bars are being made tomorrow.)

Or maybe it's because I'm getting close to O time and maybe my hope is creeping back in?

Or maybe it's just the new cd I got the other day... there is a tonne of power in getting a musical soundtrack that I don't already know by heart.

Whatever it is, I'm glad! I wasn't enjoying being in my head so much. I'm starting to feel like me.

When I let my rational self think about how things went last month, many things become clear. First, I was putting way to much pressure on myself. It's only our first month officially trying again after our break. I know that getting pregnant isn't our issue. It will happen, eventually.

Second, I fell victim to the stupid idea that somehow being on vacation might help make things happen. Really... how ridiculous? How many times have I rolled my eyes when someone gave me that assvice?

Last... I always have a bit of a slump around my birthday. From the time I was 16, every year around my birthday I get a bit blue. I think being on vacation on my birthday delayed the inevitable.

So, when my cycle chose this last month to screw around on me, it was just crappy timing all the way around.

Thank you, Humble Readers, for your patience with my whining, and for your support.

Lessons Learned During The Break

Good Evening Humble Readers...

It's been a crazy week. My Beloved and I thank you so much for all your support. Each day brings it's own challenges, but we and Mom C, and the rest of the family are making it through.

In the midst of all this, time has flown... and I can officially say that our ttc break is over. Granted, I'm on the downward slope toward AF, but as soon as she's packed her bags, we are back to the baby-making, or my favourite new ttc abbreviation... GOF (goal oriented f.... well, you get the idea).

While it wasn't intentional when we booked our trip way back in February, the timing is impeccable. Prime baby making time falls right in the middle of our trip.

Honestly, I feel like we've been on a break since the m/c in January, with all the testing and procedures. I am trying not to put a lot of pressure on either of us, but I'm ready for this to happen soon.

To that end, we have made a few decisions. First up, if we are not pregnant by Christmas, then we are going to push for more intensive testing. And if we do get pregnant, and the unbearable should happen again, then we obviously will be looking at our options. One thing we absolutely agree on is that IVF is not for us. We may consider IUI, but that is still uncertain. Tentatively, we have set next summer as when we will start talking seriously about adoption.

This break time has taught me a few things... or perhaps reminded me of things I knew before ttc and m/c's overtook my life.

• I love my Beloved more than I could ever thought possible.
• I have reserves of strength that I didn't know were there
• I can survive heartbreak
• Patience really is a virtue.

and...

• My (blankety blank) boobs hurt during my lp EVERY (blankety blank) time, so I will not fall for that old bait and switch trick that my cycle plays on me!
• AF can arrive without me pee-ing on a stick first!

So, off we go... and who knows? Maybe we'll come home from NYC with an extra special souvenir.

Hobbit-ish Potpurri

Hello all my humble readers... Just a few odds and ends from the flatland.


The Crud is still making my life unpleasant, although not in a major way. I tried to go to work on Sunday (the first time in a week) and almost fell over from dizziness shortly after I got there. Needless to say, I didn't stay long. I did go to the ER (because there are NO walk in clinics open in this town on Sundays... grrrr), and found out that my blood pressure was through the roof and that what I thought was an ear infection is a blockage in the tubes that run from my ears to my jaw. So, the long and the short of it is that I just get to tough it out until they unblock (doc recommended using a saline nasal spray to attempt to move things along, so far it hasn't helped much). Increased blood pressure was attributed to too much cold medication in a 24 hour period. Fabulous... So, now I'm almost feeling human, albeit a slightly deaf human.

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Went to see the fabulous Dr. U yesterday. After more discussion with the xray tech and some more analysis, he is leaning toward that spot that showed up on my HSG being a polyp rather than scar tissue. For those who are unaware, uterine polyps are generally considered benign, and for all intents and purposes they look like skin tags. He made sure to be very clear that they polyp would not have caused my m/c's... those were blighted ovums. He does want to remove the polyp tho, just in the sake of being thorough... so that we can be sure that it does not play any kind of a role in future pregnancies. He got me set up on the waiting list for a hysteroscopy and went through all the risks associated with the procedure (same as a D&C) and that I get to be sedated but awake the whole time (YIKES!). The last thing he said was that we should keep trying to get pregnant. It may be a couple of months before I get moved up the list, and if I get pregnant, they will just cancel the procedure.

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Spring may actually be arriving here in the arctic north... I actually saw the hint of leaves yesterday and the tulip garden in front of the hospital actually has some shoots. Of course, the weather people are saying that we may actually get some snow tonight. INSANE!

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Petey the PT Cruiser is now hopefully completely healed up from his recent round of repairs. The last couple of months have been brutal on our bottom line because of everything that seemed to go wrong at once with the car. The power steering was the last on the list to fix, and now it's done... maybe I'll be able to get that air conditioner I was hoping for after all.

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My 'OMG You Rock' package was great! Thank you again Shannon! It was wonderful to have something to look forward to on a day that I was really dreading. Thank you Liv for setting it up!

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I'm looking for a recipe for German potato salad. Anyone have a good one? (I'm thinking of one I had a long time ago... really tangy, it had sausage in it too) My beloved is asking for potato salad, but I don't want to make the 'usual'.

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Here's hoping I'm feeling a ton better this weekend. I actually get two days of the three day weekend off! I want to go to a movie (so stoked to see Star Trek!) and spend some time outside.

That's about it for now. I hope everyone is well!

April ICLW

I cannot believe it's been a month already! Wow!

Ok... so a quick recap for folks who have never stopped by before:

• Married my beloved in April of 07 after having been matched on eHarm.ony (I think we'd be great in their commercials!)
• Went off bcp in January of 08 after having been on them for just over a year. Joke that I'll be pregnant in a matter of weeks because all the women in my family are 'just that fertile'.
  
• Get our first bfp in July 08 and are over the moon happy.
• Diagnosed with a blighted ovum at 10 weeks. Have a D&C.
• Try again.
• Blessed with our second bfp in December of 08. Excited, but reserved.
• Diagnosed with blighted ovum at 8 weeks. M/C'd natually at 11 weeks.
  
• Had an HSG after two cycles (this month). All seems well, except for a teeny spot that is either scar tissue or a polyp. Doctor does not seem concerned and we are given the green light to try again.
  
• Currently in the wretched tww, and phantom symptoms are driving me nuts! Not holding out a ton of hope tho for this cycle.
  

I know that my story isn't as long as some, but it feels like we've been at this for a really long time already.

Thanks for stopping by... and I promise I have some recipes planned to share (I still have yet to post my Easter dinner recipes). Wishing you a blessed day, humble readers!

Ladies & Gentlemen: We are experiencing technical difficulties. PLEASE STAND BY

Right off the top... for the few readers of my blog who do not care to know about the workings of my plumbing (you know who you are), I encourage you to stop back in tomorrow, when I promise I will post the recipes I mentioned during ICLW last month.

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So today was the day. HSG. For the last week I have been experiencing some nervousness and mild anxiety about the test. It was even sneaking into my dreams. Very creepy!

On the advice of several com padres in the world of IF, I remembered to take a couple of extra strength ibu.profen before the test. (And boy am I glad I did) My beloved dropped me off at the hospital (I decided I was a big enough girl to go to this test on my own) on his way back to the office after lunch.

I came prepared with a book as I usually end up waiting quite a bit for appointments like this. It turns out I didn't need it. I only ended up sitting in the waiting room for 5 minutes. I was taken through the maze-like hallways of the diagnostic imaging department, given the requisite unflattering gown and a key to a locker in which to stow my belongings. The nurse brought me some paperwork and before I even had a chance to fill in the three check boxes and sign my name, she was back to take me into the room.

Get this, the one question on the form that was most important was the one question I couldn't remember the answer to... and for a woman who has been tracking her cycles for the last year it really is quite ridiculous... what was the first day of my last menstrual cycle? I wracked my brain. I tried counting backwards because I knew that today was CD 11, and that's when the dyslexia-monster kicked in and I couldn't figure it out come love nor money. I actually had to go back to the locker they assigned me, and somehow manage to dig my phone out of my purse to check the calendar, all the while attempting to hold the back of my wretched gown closed and not drop the questionaire OR my underwear OR the pad I had been told to bring with me.

The nurse led me across the hall into a room that was sporting a retro 1960's decor, complete with pistachio green paint, ugly florescent lighting, and an ancient looking x-ray machine. The nurse was getting the table prepped for me and soon after my OB came in. Climbing on to the table whilst holding things closed was challenging, especially for one of my hobbit-ish stature. A stool was required and I almost lost my balance when I sat down.

I laid back, did the required bending of the knees, and Dr U got to work. I can honestly say that I didn't expect it to hurt quite that much. I was fine with the initial cranking open of things, but the catheter was a not so pleasant experience. After the initial cramping subsided, I was ok though.

So, I'm laying there... my business all cranked open and there for the world to see. The nurse paged the radiologist, and Dr. U tried to make small talk. How can one make small talk when their internal bits are out there in front of God and everyone? I ask you! The radiologist arrived and things got underway... sort of.

The monitor by my head clicked on, and the table started to move into place under the x-ray machine. There was much clicking of buttons and turning off and turning on of the monitor. I'm trying to simply stare at the ceiling and think about anything other than what's going on. Finally I'm told that there is something wrong with the monitor, and it will be but a moment before things get underway.

No less than seven different nurses and technicians come in and out of the room to investigate what's going on with the monitor. Thankfully, after the first tech arrived, Dr. U was kind enough to drape my lower half with a sheet. Still, it was a very disconcerting experience.

After ten minutes, it was determined that the monitor was a goner. We would have to change rooms. Dr. U removed the catheter and cranked things closed again (am I the only one who feels like a car getting jacked up to have a tire changed?), all the while I am trying not to let on that it hurts like hell. Once I manage to get myself off the table I am taken, with all my sundry belongings, I am led out of the room and down another hall.

The new room is the polar opposite of the one I was just in. Modern looking equipment, monitors on this crazy arm thing that can swing around the table, and something resembling contemporary decor. The only thing out of place was the lunch on the counter belonging to the nurse who had just been shoo'd out of the room.

After getting on to the table, being sufficiently cranked and catheter-ed, they proceeded with the test. I could see on the monitor as the dye filled my uterus and was truly impressed. My doc was initially very happy with what he was seeing. No septum at all. Yay!

Then the radiologist called him into the little booth. They conferred for a moment, and then Dr. U came back out. He pointed out a little shadow on the right side of my uterus. Apparently, I have a small spot of scar tissue or a little polyp. Me being a worrier, I immediately start thinking the worst. Dr. U is convinced that if it is scar tissue it is likely from my D&C back in September, but that it is nothing to be concerned about. It's not holding the walls of the uterus together. The only problem it could pose would be if an eggie tried to implant right in that particular spot (statistically not impossible, but not very likely), in which case I would end up with either a chemical pregnancy or another blighted ovum.

Huh...

Basically, I don't feel any further along this road than I did when I woke up this morning. I mean, I'm thrilled that there is no septum. Only, now I need to ponder...

Am I ready to face the potential grief of another miscarraige? I think so.
Will I ever feel 100% ready to face another miscarraige? Probably not.
Will I feel guilty if we get pregnant and end up losing another baby? Most likely.
Will I ever be in a place where I won't feel guilty if it happens again? Not likely.

I think I know my answer, but I'm looking for input.