They Say You Can Never Go Back

Good Morning Humble Readers...

I have had these thoughts percolating for a while, and I think it's time to get them down on 'paper'. I will preface this by saying that, if you are going through a tough time right now, you might want to skip this post. I won't mind...

I recently went back to some of the message boards I used to frequent. There are women there who I miss. They are women who started on this journey around the same time as me, and we shared our excitement about becoming mommies, celebrated each other's successes and mourned each other's losses. They supported me through our miscarriages, encouraged me when we were waiting for tests and for the go ahead to try again. These women are incredible, strong, veterans of the road we travel. Many of them are dealing with RPL like me, and some have had heartbreaking numbers of losses.

I had stopped posting on the message boards back in the spring, when it became apparent that we were going to have to take an extended break. I felt that I didn't want to be a downer, whining about having to wait to try again... so I excused myself. (Of course that didn't stop me from whining here... my apologies, Humble Readers). I also knew that reading about them moving ahead would be difficult.

I went back recently, genuinely hoping that most, if not all, of the ladies there would have been able to move on... yes, I know it was an unlikely thing, but I hoped it for them anyway.

I started reading some of the recent posts and was saddened to see so many names I recognized. I was saddened further to read how down they all were.

We all have our bad days. A bfn, a failed cycle, discovery of a cyst, the flu at exactly the wrong time... all of these things can bring us low. I am not making light of those emotions. We all need to process them, grieve our losses big and small, and we often need the support of those who truly understand our situation to help us get through.

But when does commiserating become something more? When does it become a vicious cycle that has no end? When do we stop trying to one up each other with how sad we are?

How do we pull ourselves up out of our darkness? How do we help each other when things seem to be spiralling into the abyss?

I have long believed that the only thing we have control over in this world is our response to it. Barring a chemical imbalance, we get to choose how we respond to the things that happen in our lives. That doesn't mean we don't get sad, but we do get to choose whether to let that sadness overwhelm us or to start moving forward.

I'm in a good, hopeful and, dare I say, content place right now. I want to celebrate that. And at the same time I want to support these ladies... but I don't want to blow sunshine and rainbows.

Maybe after this cycle comes back as a bfn, I won't be so happy, maybe then I will feel like I fit in again with them. But I don't want to let that change my happiness in this moment. We all live in two week incriments... shouldn't we take the joy where we can?

Is it wrong that I choose to be happy?