A Legacy

Greetings Humble Readers...

¹leg·a·cy
       noun \ˈle-gə-sē\

       pluralleg·a·cies

Definition of LEGACY

1: a gift by will especially of money or other personal property

2: something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past 

definition courtesy of miriam-webster.com

I mentioned in yesterday's post that I had recently been getting rid of my maternity clothes and some baby things.  My closet was getting ridiculous again, and as we are most certainly not going to have any more wee-lings (my Beloved goes for his snip-snip next week Friday), it was time to move on. 

And yet, it was hard.  From January 8th, 2008 (the day I took my last bcp... some dates really do stick) until May 10th of this year, it has at times felt like every breath I've taken was somehow connected to building our family.  And now I'm getting rid of things that I longed so desperately to need.  Pippin is outgrowing so many things so fast... the bassinet, the baby bathtub, the cradle and his too cute little track suit.   There won't be another wee-ling to need these things, and I'm 100% okay with that.

But it's still hard on my heart to get rid of them. 

The finality of where we are right now on this journey has me thinking about a lot of things. 

About my place in the IF community, about my role as cheerleader for those still in the trenches and as another voice to the world at large about what IF really is.  I may not have the communication skills of someone like Mel or Keiko, but I can share my experiences and what I've learned from my fellow IFers.  I can help my family and friends understand that IF is not only a physiological issue, but also a deeply emotional one.  I can help them understand terminology, procedures, and the realities of outcomes (as opposed to the sensationalized stories in the media).  And I want to be completely honest about our losses, be transparent about our journey.  I want to help remove the taboo and shame associated with miscarriage and IF.

But perhaps, most important of all, I will educate my children.

I will teach both of them, Ginevra and Pippin, about the realities of fertility.  I will encourage them to follow their dreams, and to seek out amazing experiences, but I will also teach them that the human reproductive system has limitations.  And that they can and should take their time to be sure of themselves and their life partners.  But I will also be honest and teach them that there will come an end date to attempting to have biological children. 

Sure, sometime in the future, medical science may come up with better and more effective forms of ART, but I want them to understand their bodies and how they really work.  I'm not going to leave it to the "if you have sex, you'll get pregnant" health classes in junior high to give them their only understanding of their reproductive systems.  I'm going to teach Ginny to pay attention to her body, to learn to recognize her cycles and what they mean.  I don't want Ginny's birthright to be being blindsided by her own body when she is trying to build her family. 

And, I'm sure sooner rather than later, I'll tell them about Emily and Olivia... about the two babies we never got to hold, but loved so deeply.  I'll tell Ginny about the dream I had about her, my beautiful dark haired blue-eyed dream baby in a pink dress, while I was still pregnant with Olivia.  I will tell Pip about the role his daddy had in holding me together when I thought I was going to break into a thousand pieces.

This will be my IF legacy.  This will be Emily and Olivia's legacy. 

Things I Missed Talking About...

Howdy Humble Readers...

Well, that was a week of my life I'll never get back.  Jeez. 

It was just a doozy of a cold, and I guess I was due.  I haven't battled the Crud since my second trimester with Pippin (when I caught EVERY germ going around).  I'm feeling better for the most part, just a lingering cough (particularly at night), a gravelly voice and varying levels of plugged ears which are improving. 

I have been reading along with most of you this week, although I haven't made it to commenting.  I do apologize.  And there were so many blog posts I had planned, so many things I wanted to talk about this past week, like...

• Pippin's four month post.  I wanted to tell you all about how big he's getting (he's in size 3 diapers already!), about how much hair he's lost, and about how he's trying to sit up.  About how he's so fixated on sucking on his fingers that sometimes he can almost get his whole hand in his mouth.  About how he has this habit of not being able to fall asleep at night unless he fusses for 15 minutes first, like he's mad that he's tired and doesn't want to give in.  And about the beautiful way he laughs at his big sister (which I still haven't managed to get on video). 

• How hot is Michael Shanks?  Seriously.  For those of you who don't know him, he used to be in Stargate SG-1, and now he's in Saving Hope.  In SG-1, I thought he was kinda cute, but his character started out as such a dweeb that I never really appreciated him in a drool-worthy kind of way.  Now.... YUM!  Maybe it's the scenes with him in a tux or in doctors' scrubs. 
• Tuesday... 9/11, the fourth anniversary of when we lost Emily Hope (our first angel baby), and a year since we found out we were expecting Pip.  Whew... the emotions that day, on top of having a crummy cold, were pretty intense.
• A question for any of my Jewish friends (and it's probably super stupid)... why does it matter if laundry soap is kosher?  What makes the average laundry soap un-kosher?
• Have I ever told you all about my crazy annual craving for turkey?  Every year, usually in June, I start craving turkey.  I mean a full on turkey dinner.  Stuffing, sweet potatoes, gravy, pumpkin pie, the whole 9 yards.  It kind of makes sense.  The last time I would usually have had a turkey dinner was Christmas.  (And no, a turkey sandwich made with deli turkey won't do!)  But by June, it's too dang hot, and turkeys are too dang expensive, to think about cooking the full deal, so by mid-September I'm thinking about turkey on a daily basis.  Thankfully, Canadian thanksgiving is just a few short weeks away!  October 8th baby!
• Christmas prep... Blame it on my years in retail, but now that the autumn is here, I need to be thinking hard about the holidays.  There are sooooo many crafts that I want to do!  Damn Pinterest!  I currently have one idea for a gift for my Beloved (which is stellar, as he is notoriously hard to shop for) and I'm toying with a couple of ideas for Ginny.  Pippin won't need much, and I'm sure he'll be spoiled by Gramma and Mama. 
• I have not forgotten about Foodie Fridays... I've just really let them slide by the wayside.  I am seriously hoping to resurrect them this coming week.  I have a new recipe that I'm trying this week and if it turns out well then I'll be sharing it with you.  And if it doesn't, I'm going to plan a backup post.  I promise!

I think that's about it.  I'm hoping for a good night's sleep tonight, but it totally depends on the wee-lings.  Yup, that's right.  They both caught the Crud.  Pip was feverish all day yesterday, and both of them have been snarf-ly and grumpy.  Ginny woke up in the middle of the night last night crying because she was stuffed up.  **sigh**  We will survive this.  :)

Looking Back, Looking Forward

Hey Humble Readers...

I'm sorry that I've been off the grid this past week.  All three of us having a doozy of a summer cold, a teething baby, and a crazy-a$$ heat wave have sapped my energy.  Today we are actually all feeling better, for the most part, and while it's warm, there's a nice breeze that's allowing me to feel human again. 

*****
It's been a challenging week because everywhere I turned there were reminders of 9-11.  The images, the stories, the pain.  I'm in no way saying that we shouldn't commemorate this day, just that all the constant visual reminders have been very hard on my heart.

Ten years ago today, I woke up to my radio coming on saying something about the airport in K-town being shut down.  I didn't think much of it really, and went to take a shower.  It wasn't until I turned on the tv a half hour later that I saw my first glimpses of the horrors that were taking place.  I went through the rest of the day in a bit of a fog, and grieved with the rest of the world. 

One day changed everything.  The feeling of safety that I remember having all my life up till then was gone.  I wept then for the victims, the heroes, and their families.  And I wept today as I watched the memorial services on tv.  I continue to pray that the families of the victims of such a senseless act of violence have found some peace for their hearts. 

WTC Memorial, New York
(image credit: http://www.fgould.com/north-america/projects/world-trade-center-memorial/)

Three years ago today, I woke up, 11 weeks pregnant and spotting.  I didn't think much of it, I had read that spotting was possible, particularly in the first trimester.  By noon, the spotting was much heavier, and I was scared.  By the middle of the afternoon I had two ultrasounds and it was confirmed.  My pregnancy had ended several weeks before, but my body was just cluing in. 

One day changed everything.  My innocent joy and hope in that pregnancy was taken away, and the trust that I had in my body was shattered.  That day I became a statistic.  That day fear for the future of our family set in. 

Shadow Box Memorial for Emily Hope & Olivia Noelle
We collected the leaves a few weeks after we lost Emily. 
The rocks are from a memorial service we attended that fall for lost babies.

My favourite lullaby.

Emily Hope September 2008
Olivia Noelle January 2009

My Beloved gave me this ring for Mother's Day this year...
One stone for each baby, Emily, Olivia, & Ginevra

Today, I woke up with a hopeful heart. 

12 dpo... Ummmm...

Yup... oh boy...

I wasn't really expecting it, given how ooky this cycle was, but it's happened all the same.  Of course, this is still very early and given my history, I'm only allowing myself to be cautiously optimistic.  I'm calling both Dr. U and Dr. B tomorrow so that I can get blood tests done asap, along with a prescription for progesterone suppositories. 

Is it ok if I just say... Eeeeeeeeee?!?!?

(btw, if you know me irl... PLEASE DON'T SAY ANYTHING YET!  Our families won't know for a few days.)

Remembering & Pondering

Greetings Humble Readers...

I'm in an odd place right now. 

Emotionally, I'm feeling better about a lot of things... certainly more positive than I was a couple of weeks ago.  Physically, my body is cooperating more, and other than being a bit stiff after painting the other day, I'm feeling good.  While my blood sugar isn't great, it's certainly not swinging as much throughout the day.  I'm feeling much more in control... as much as one can when their body has been taken over by a rambunctious Halfling. 

And yet...  all is still not right. 

I know what it is.  I know why I'm antsy. 

It's September. 

Last year, I had our impending NYC trip to distract me (which sort of worked), but this year is different.  This year, I have been attempting to distract myself with all the 'nesting' stuff... the painting, the cooking, the busyness.  But it's not working. 

Two years ago today, my world began to crumble.  My innocent belief that a positive pregnancy test would equal a baby in 9 (or so) months was shattered. 

Emily Hope, our first angel baby, slipped away as quickly as she came into our lives.  No, I never got to hold her, I never felt her move within me, and I don't really know for sure that she was in fact a she, but she was mine... ours.  For eleven brief weeks I was the happiest I have ever been. 

Saturday will officialy mark the two year anniversary of the end of my first pregnancy.  And I will admit that I have been a bit stressed about facing this milestone in the midst of this happy time of expection.

What would she have looked like now?  If she had been born on her EDD, right now she would be 17 months old.  Hard to imagine. 

I can't sit here and let the memory of the grief I felt then overtake me.  Thoughts of her, and of Olivia Noelle our other lost one, are still sharp edged.  I know they will dull over time, and not be so hard to handle.  But do I want them to become dull?  There is my quandary. 

I don't want to be sad. But I would never want to forget either. I am thankful for Emily's brief presence in my life, because she brought me a different experience of love.  And I don't want to forget that at all.

Emily Hope

Humble Readers,

I've been sitting here staring at a blank screen for a half hour.  What to say about today? 

If Emily Hope would have been born on her EDD, she would have been a year old today.  The hurt isn't as sharp as it was a year ago, but it's still very much there.  Like being poked in the side with a pool cue rather than a knife.  It's not going to kill me, but...

For whatever reason, I don't have a mental image of her, like I do for Olivia.  Sometimes, I try to think about what she would have looked like, but nothing ever comes to mind.  I don't feel bad about that, but I wish I had an image to hold in my heart. 

I miss my angel girl. 

*sigh*

Milestones (Part the Second)

mile·stone
n.
- A stone marker set up on a roadside to indicate the distance in miles from a given point.
- An important event, as in a person's career, the history of a nation, or the advancement of knowledge in a field; a turning point.


The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition Copyright © 2006 by Houghton Mifflin Company.


A while back I wrote this post about moving on after my second miscarraige. At the time I was celebrating a few different things including getting through an episode of Bringing Home Baby without bawling my eyes out.

Today I am facing a different milestone. One year ago today I got my first bfp. I had woken up early and peed on a stick. I remember staring at that pretty pair of lines. I felt overwhelmed, thrilled, and just a little scared. It felt like we had been waiting so long for this (oh, how little did we know then!) and I couldn't wait to share my news with the world. I actually went online to the ttc bulliten board that I frequented and announced my good news before I told my Beloved (like I said, it was early... I wanted to let him sleep a while).

After spending about an hour hugging the knowledge of our little bean to myself, I went and snuggled in bed with my Beloved. When he was just waking up, I whispered in his ear that he was going to be a daddy. His eyes shot open in shock and I never felt happier.

That happiness lasted for a month and a half. We told our families and friends. We bought a (second hand) stroller and car seat. We made plans for the nursery and maternity leave. We revelled in our joy. And then it ended.

If that little blighted ovum hadn't been so blighted, Emily Hope would be 3 1/2 months old now. I would be on mat leave and we would have a crib in the spare room instead of a few boxes and some empty bookshelves.

So I've been thinking about milestones. A milestone is a place to pause. A place to rest, plan the rest of your journey. To regroup and prepare the next leg of your trip. To take stock of where you are coming from and where you are going. To look back down the road and acknowledge that you were somewhere different than where you are now, and to look ahead to where you are hoping to end up.

Right now, as I sit beside the road and ponder these things, I feel like I'm sitting just below the crown of a hill. I can't see what's next but I hope that my destination isn't that far away. I'm ready to get there. But from this hill I can see where I came from and appreciate how far I've travelled.

And I think the most important thing about a milestone is that it reminds you that you're not quite there.

You have to keep moving forward.

This little wayside pause isn't the end of the road.

Oh My Goodness... ICLW Again Already!

Where does the time go?

For those of you who are stopping by for the first time here's my top ten:

10 - the number of books "to read" that are currently on my bedside table
9 - the month of my birthday, also the month of our long awaited trip to NYC (Can you still call it a honeymoon if you have been married for more than two years?)
8 - how old my nephew will be turning in a week
7 - the number of boxes that we haven't yet unpacked (and we moved in here almost a year ago)
6 - the number of parents I have had in my life (yes, my life is the stuff of Jerry Spr.inger's dreams)
5 - the number of new recipes I have to try soon so that I can pass them on to you lovely people
4 - the number of times a day I stare at my FF chart to see if I can will it to say I'm pregnant
3 - the number of countries I have lived in, the number of provinces I have lived in, and the number states I have lived in (did I mention Jerry Spr.inger?)
2 - the number of angels I have in heaven (Emily Hope & Olivia Noelle)
1 - the number of people who can shorten my first name to one syllable and not get a black eye

I am also at the tail end of what has turned out to be a very trying tww. Yesterday morning I was very hopeful, but now I'm just not so sure. The hives have faded a bit, my temp dropped a little this morning, and I'm now getting my usual pre-AF backache.

I'm feeling a bit foolish for being so hopeful, because really... if it did happen this month it could practically count as immaculate conception. I was so sick during my O week that... well, let's just say I'm putting the 'it only takes once' axiom to the test. I will know soon enough, I guess.

Anyway, welcome to my little hobbit-world. I'm glad you've stopped by!

My Internal Voice of Optimism

With both of our previous pregnancies, I disregarded what is considered sage advice, and made baby related purchases in the first trimester. If I were someone who believed in jinxes, then I would say that I wouldn't buy another blessed baby item until I have that long awaited little one in my arms needing as-yet-unpurchased diapers.

When pregnant the first time, with Emily, I purchased a couple Be.lla bands early on. Then my boss and his wife were getting rid of their car seat & stroller, and as it was only two years old I jumped at the chance to save some money. The week after we bought it from them, I miscarried.

When pregnant the second time, with Olivia, I was pretty determined to not purchase anything baby related until that mythical second trimester. Buuuut... I was doing some window shopping in a baby/toy store and there was a play pen (does anyone else find it funny they call them play yards now?) from a great name brand on sale for half price. Well I couldn't pass that up, right? Again, the week after I bought it, we found out I was going to miscarry.

There were also the sweet little stuffed elephants, that would go so perfectly in how I have envisioned the nursery. And don't even ask me about books... it's an occupational hazard. I bought all kinds of books. I'm really looking forward to someday being able to read them all past the 8 or 10 week mark.

After our second loss (right after the last u/s that showed no hope), I was adamant I was going to sell all the baby stuff we had accumulated. I felt that I couldn't bring myself to really look at it any more. I wanted to throw away all the free samples I had received and I wanted to tear the mocking little faces off those stuffed elephants. My beloved, ever patient and a voice of reason, asked me to wait. We got home from that ultrasound, and he went and closed the door to the spare room where all of these items were stored. And that was the end of that... for about a month.

Together, we decided that the time had come to sort through the spare room. It was tough, but he took charge of all the baby stuff, tucking it away in the closet, while I took care of the boxes that had never been unpacked from when we moved in. Now, every time one of those freebies that I signed up for arrives in the mail, he just takes them and tucks them inside the car seat. Have I mentioned how blessed I am to have him?

So... a couple of weeks ago we got a whole new line of baby gift product at our store. As I was helping sort through it, I came across something I had been looking for in both of my previous pregnancies. They are frames... white frames designed specifically for u/s pictures... with the phrase "Love At First Sight" on them.

Without even thinking, I grabbed three and stashed them on my desk with my stack of books to buy. A couple days later, I almost put them back out on the sales floor. This was before my HSG, when I was still in that waiting period when I 'knew' they were going to find a septum or something else equally devastating to my dream of being a mother. Finally, I just grabbed them and made the purchase. When I came home from work, I handed the bag to my beloved, and he stashed them in the 'usual place'.

Call it hope, call it my internal voice of optimism, call it delusional behavior... I am feeling ok about it all. I'm feeling hope, for what feels like the first time in months. I know that this tww (two week wait for the un-initiated) will likely end in a BFN, but for now I am hopeful.

And I'm enjoying being in this hopeful place.

Emily Hope

Today is what was my estimated due date for our first little one.

I can't help but think about what she would have been like... her personality, her eyes, her little fingers and toes. It's funny, I don't really have a mental image of her, like I do for Olivia. I can't help but think about what my life would have been like if she were here now. *sigh*

I'm sad, and the grief is still there... just not so sharp edged as it was. My life is a good one. I have a wonderful loving husband (who willingly does the laundry), a good secure job (even if I do complain sometimes), and I'm healthy (weight and fertility issues notwithstanding). We are proud owners of our little condo and Petey the PT cruiser is paid for. Both our families are healthy and happy. We have started to look forward to other things... other than a baby that is... a trip to visit my parents in the early summer, and our much-delayed honeymoon in NYC.

But those little bean-shaped holes in my heart are still there. I don't imagine they will ever go away. I don't want them to go away.