A Legacy

Greetings Humble Readers...

¹leg·a·cy
       noun \ˈle-gə-sē\

       pluralleg·a·cies

Definition of LEGACY

1: a gift by will especially of money or other personal property

2: something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past 

definition courtesy of miriam-webster.com

I mentioned in yesterday's post that I had recently been getting rid of my maternity clothes and some baby things.  My closet was getting ridiculous again, and as we are most certainly not going to have any more wee-lings (my Beloved goes for his snip-snip next week Friday), it was time to move on. 

And yet, it was hard.  From January 8th, 2008 (the day I took my last bcp... some dates really do stick) until May 10th of this year, it has at times felt like every breath I've taken was somehow connected to building our family.  And now I'm getting rid of things that I longed so desperately to need.  Pippin is outgrowing so many things so fast... the bassinet, the baby bathtub, the cradle and his too cute little track suit.   There won't be another wee-ling to need these things, and I'm 100% okay with that.

But it's still hard on my heart to get rid of them. 

The finality of where we are right now on this journey has me thinking about a lot of things. 

About my place in the IF community, about my role as cheerleader for those still in the trenches and as another voice to the world at large about what IF really is.  I may not have the communication skills of someone like Mel or Keiko, but I can share my experiences and what I've learned from my fellow IFers.  I can help my family and friends understand that IF is not only a physiological issue, but also a deeply emotional one.  I can help them understand terminology, procedures, and the realities of outcomes (as opposed to the sensationalized stories in the media).  And I want to be completely honest about our losses, be transparent about our journey.  I want to help remove the taboo and shame associated with miscarriage and IF.

But perhaps, most important of all, I will educate my children.

I will teach both of them, Ginevra and Pippin, about the realities of fertility.  I will encourage them to follow their dreams, and to seek out amazing experiences, but I will also teach them that the human reproductive system has limitations.  And that they can and should take their time to be sure of themselves and their life partners.  But I will also be honest and teach them that there will come an end date to attempting to have biological children. 

Sure, sometime in the future, medical science may come up with better and more effective forms of ART, but I want them to understand their bodies and how they really work.  I'm not going to leave it to the "if you have sex, you'll get pregnant" health classes in junior high to give them their only understanding of their reproductive systems.  I'm going to teach Ginny to pay attention to her body, to learn to recognize her cycles and what they mean.  I don't want Ginny's birthright to be being blindsided by her own body when she is trying to build her family. 

And, I'm sure sooner rather than later, I'll tell them about Emily and Olivia... about the two babies we never got to hold, but loved so deeply.  I'll tell Ginny about the dream I had about her, my beautiful dark haired blue-eyed dream baby in a pink dress, while I was still pregnant with Olivia.  I will tell Pip about the role his daddy had in holding me together when I thought I was going to break into a thousand pieces.

This will be my IF legacy.  This will be Emily and Olivia's legacy. 

Defining Community

Greetings Humble Readers... I have waffled considerably about writing this post, and while I may not be as eloquent as some, I feel it's important to speak to the issues that have arisen this past week within the ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) community. 

(In an effort to be completely transparent, yes I am parenting after battling IF and RPL.  And yes, I am currently pregnant with what will hopefully be our last Halfling.  This colours my view, just as the past four years have shaped who I am.)

For me, in this whole mess, the ultimate issue comes down, not to who's a parent and who's not, but who we are as a whole.  How do we define community?

Merriam-Webster defines community this way:

com-mu-ni-ty (noun)

• 1: a unified body of individuals: as
• a : state, commonwealth
• b : the people with common interests living in a particular area; broadly : the area itself
• c : an interacting population of various kinds of individuals (as species) in a common location
• d : a group of people with a common characteristic or interest living together within a larger society
• e : a group linked by a common policy
• f: a body of persons or nations having a common history or common social, economic, and political interests
• g : a body of persons of common and especially professional interests scattered through a larger society
• 2: society at large
• 3
• a : joint ownership or participation
• b : common character : likeness
• c : social activity : fellowship
• d : a social state or condition

(emphasis mine)

I think, whether we care to admit it or not, we all crave community.  A place we fit, a place to belong.  A place where we can find others who understand us and share our values or key parts of who we are.  Some fill this craving with diverse circle of friends, extended family, or even strangers who support the same favourite sports team.  For those of us who felt outside our culture because of our struggles to build our families, we found that online. 

As a part of our various interpersonal groups, I think we all hope that we can both give and receive support and fellowship.  Having your voice heard is just as important as hearing others.  

I don't know about you, but there have been many many times when I wish you all lived down the street or around the corner.  I wish I could physically, tangibly offer you support in your trials and celebrate with you in your joys.  I wish I could bring you dinner when I know you've had a rough time.  I wish I could wipe away your tears when you are devastated.  I wish I could share a hug with you when you are victorious. (But as an old friend often reminded me... if wishes and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.) There have been monumental occasions when this community has pulled together in the most astounding ways to provide such support, but logistically, it can't happen on an every day basis. 

So instead, as Mel so wisely says in her intro to ICLW each month... 'comments are the new hug'.  Comments are how we, within the ALI community, show our support and provide feedback to our community. 

How can we as the ALI community continue to support each other, even when our circumstances change?  Does someone choosing life without children after IF or those parenting after IF need less support than someone who is still in the trenches?  Are they in too different a place to reasonably expect that the friendships forged over months and years of cycles, treatments, losses, and hard choices can continue?  And is looking for a community within a community a bad thing?

Relationships, within any community, grow and change.  This is a universal truth.  People will inherently seek out those who are like themselves in some way.  But does that negate their previous relationships? 

How do you define community?

Baloney Sandwiches!!!

Hi Humble Readers...

Are you familiar with that card game, "Bullsh!t"?  Where you basically lie about what cards you are laying down, in hopes that no one calls you one it... it's sometimes called "Cheat", and in my church youth group (many many moons ago) it was called "Baloney Sandwiches". 

Well, today I'm calling it... on our community.  Yes, ALI sisters, I'm talking to you. 

You see, there's a big flap that's developed about the creation of the PAIL (parenting/pregnant after infertility or loss) blogroll.  Words like 'clique-ish', 'exclusionary', and 'exclusive' are being thrown around and I am starting to get frustrated and angry.   And you know what?  I'm hurt that I, and many others, are being accused of actions and intentions that were never a part of why I signed up on the PAIL list. 

PAIL was, as I understand it, set up to meet a need.  A need that some bloggers are responding to.  It's a place for those of us who are parenting after battling with infertility and loss can connect with others who are in this same boat.  Yes, there is a Parenting After IF section on the ALI blogroll, but does that mean that there can't be two?  Is there only one giant foodie blogroll out there?  (And if there is, why haven't I found it yet?)  Is there only one political blogroll?  What about wanna-be hobbits?  Is there a blogroll out there for us?  Would I have to 'resign my membership' in the ALI community if I joined one of these other blogrolls?

How many times have you read on a post-pregnancy-successful-delivery blog, "I don't know where I fit.  I'm still an IFer, but I don't feel like I can blog about my baby"?  Or, "IF will always be a part of who I am, but I'm moving on, and so I'm closing this blog"?  I read it at least once a week, and lately it seems like it's been even more often than that.  And I know I've said the same or similar.  Heck, I have even very consciously limited the number of times each month I post pics of Ginny, out of respect for those who might find it hard to see. 

The reality is, this community thrives on the struggle, on the battle.  And when one of us 'wins' our battle, yes there are cheers of victory from every corner of the blogosphere.  But two weeks later... when the new mommy needs/craves the connections that she has built over the last months and years, and her readers have dwindled to just a handful?

Who's there then?  Who's being exclusive? 

And when we (being new mommy/IF bloggers) sign up for things like ICLW, and hardly anyone visits... who's being clique-ish then? 

I am very sorry that feelings have been hurt (and I am CERTAIN that it was not done maliciously or with the intent to hurt), on both sides of this situation.  In hindsight (which is ALWAYS perfect), someone who felt this need should have stepped forward and said "Hey, we're here too, and we need something a little different.  How can we make this work?".  And honestly, I'm kicking myself for not thinking of asking sooner.  But it didn't happen that way, so now we're all playing catch up.  How can we be proactive rather than reactive?

Instead of throwing mud at each other, and saying awful things about people you don't know, why don't we work together to come up with a solution that can bring unity? 

Do you have any thoughts on this?  How can we make the ALI community more inclusive?  How can those of us parenting after IF still feel a part of this community and not feel abandoned? 

I have sat here staring at this post for close to a half hour now, wondering if I should actually hit the 'publish post' button.  I'm going to piss people off, I'm prepared for that.  I'm afraid of causing even more division.  But this is my blog, and this is what I'm thinking and feeling... so here's goes everything...

The Great Sockeroo!

Hey Humble Readers...

I hope you're having a great weekend.  Today was pretty mellow here at the hobbit hole.  A little Christmas shopping (yeah, I'm one of those people... I find it cheaper to shop early.  Besides, I only have my staff discount at my bookstore for a couple more weeks), some grocery shopping, and some morning sickness. 

Several weeks ago, a bunch of us signed up to participate in Kymberli's super cool "Sock It To Me" sock exchange.  I love love love these kinds of events... they are so much fun, and you get to connect with people you may have not really gotten to know before. 

My totally groovy sock partner was PCOS Chick... and she sent me these wonderfully warm, stylish, and awesomely STRIPEY socks! 

I'm not sure how it happened, but it looks like both
feet are coming out the same pant-leg.  Odd.

Aren't they outstanding?  I love me some stripey socks!

As a part of the Great Sockeroo, Kym has asked us to answer this question...

It has been roughly a year and a half since the last SITM Exchange. Reflect on the past 18 or so months – how has support from others, either in the blogosphere or otherwise, helped you?

Well, the past 18 months have been amazingly full.  At the time of the last SITM exchange I had just come out of a very frustrating cycle that was sadly of my own making.  It had been more than a year since my second miscarraige, and I was getting convinced that we were never going to get pregnant again.  That SITM exhange came a the perfect time... I needed a pick me up.

And as it turned out, those socks came in really handy as lucky socks less than a month later, when I got my sticky bfp.  I wore them to ultrasound after ultrasound, doctor's appointments and consultations, and by the time our sweet Ginevra was born those skull-and-crossbone, black and white checked socks were pretty worn out.  (And yes, they came to the hospital with me)

Throughout my long-awaited pregnancy, as well as before and every day after, this community has given me tremendous gifts... laughter when I was sinking, hugs in joy and sorrow, a calming voice in my moments of anxiety and panic, and, most importantly, listening ears and open hearts for everything in between. 

Oddly, SITM came around at the exact right time again.  And I have a new pair of lucky socks to wear to ultrasounds, blood draws, and doctor's appointments.  Maybe not so odd... maybe just perfection.

Milestones (Part the Third): 400 Posts

Good Morning Humble Readers...

mile·stone

n.
- A stone marker set up on a roadside to indicate the distance in miles from a given point.
- An important event, as in a person's career, the history of a nation, or the advancement of knowledge in a field; a turning point.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition Copyright © 2006 by Houghton Mifflin Company.

It's been just over two years since I wrote my first post on this blog. 

At that time, I had no idea about the ALI community.  I had no followers.  I hadn't connected with anyone in the blogosphere.  It was a week after my first miscarriage and I just needed a space to pour out the grief and pain I was feeling. 

I wrote a couple of posts at that time, and then let my little hobbit-hole languish for two or three months, until I found myself in exactly the same place... dealing with the grief of another miscarriage.  A friend from the ttc message board I frequented encouraged me to go back to my blog... to write, to connect, to tell my story.  So I did... and am I ever glad.

In this 'place' I have found hope, courage, friendship, support, tears, and laughter.  I hope that I have offered the same. 

It seems fitting to me that I am hitting this particular milestone now, just a couple of days before we will meet this long awaited, immensely longed for an prayed for Halfling.

Each of these 400 posts represents a step on this road... whether it's been a cycle update, rant, show & tell, meme, ICLW intro, recipe, or just some random ramblings. 

This journey doesn't end with the arrival of our precious Halfling, but it is a very important place on this road.  Who knows where the next 100, 400, or even 1000 posts will lead? 

All that is certain is that I know that I am not journeying alone.  And for that, and for all of you, I am incredibly thankful!

Hobbit-ish Potpurri: This and That

Good Morning Humble Readers...

I hope you're all doing well.  I'm a bit dopey this morning as it appears that insomnia has made a come back.  I just can't seem to stay asleep.  One good thing about insomnia... It gives me a great time to catch up on my blog reading and commenting. 

*****
A huge thank you to everyone who offered to help me out with my shipping dilemma.  You are all superstars!  Things are now in process, and I'm hoping to have my crib bedding in a couple of weeks. 

*****
So, the diaper bag... this is the one I decided on.



Skip*hop Studio Diaper Tote
image courtesy of csnstores.com

 It's not quite as cute as I was hoping, but it still looks more like a purse than a diaper bag.  I also love that it comes with attachments so that it clips to the stroller handle.  I'm justifying the price because this is going to end up being my purse for the next couple of years or so (at least!) so I was willing to spend what I would spend on a quality purse.

*****
Do any of you remember this little lady?

It's time for the smushed fertility goddess to be on her way.  When Lindsay of "Destined To Be An Old Woman With No Regrets" sent her to me last year, it was under the proviso that I pass her along to one of my bloggy sisters when the time was right.  Watch for her to be showing up on a blog near you!  I will tell you that this little piece of clay is going to be going on a long journey.  I just really hope she makes it in one piece.

*****
I have been doing more cooking... Yesterday, I made a shepherd's pie that is now residing happily in my freezer, along side a big container of beef stew and another big container of italian sausage and black bean soup.  I feel like I'm making a bit of progress on my list!  Yay! 

*****
Just when I think my blood sugars are coming into line, I have a morning like today.  I don't know if something happened with my insulin (when I took the needle out, it leaked a bit) or what, but yesterday was a great day and today my numbers and ketones are awful.  I had the same thing for breakfast today as I did yesterday.  Ugh!  Maybe the insomnia is a part of this equation?

Sock It To Me!

Good Afternoon Humble Readers!

So guess what arrived in the mail today? 

The super-cool-crazy-awesome-smurftastic Nancy of TheNewLifeOfNancy was my sock buddy and she went above and beyond!  Three pairs of socks, all of which completely rock!

The first is the pair I am wearing right now... the ultimate in stripey socks!  Purple, over-the-knee, and completely cool!

The second pair are some really groovy knee-high argyles.  Purple, green, blue grey, brown, white and black... I'm going to wear them to work tomorrow. 

Nancy sent me an email last week letting me know that she was late but that my socks were on their way, and that they were some 'bad-ass socks'.  I wasn't sure what she meant but I totally get it now!  The third pair are the perfect rebellious socks! Black and white checks, with skulls and cross bones!

The theme for this round of SITM is the support we get in this community.  I can't begin to imagine how I would have gotten through this past year without the ALI (adoption/loss/infertility) community.  From the laughs, giggles, and rolling-on-the-floor-can't-breathe funny moments, to the words of encouragement and virtual hugs that come at just the right time, and the helping hands that pick me up when I fall, every day I am thankful that I was introduced to this 'place'. 

My Beloved asked me today why I was so excited about getting socks from someone I've never met... and I told him, that's just the point.  I have never met any of my IF sisters (and a few brothers) out there face to face, but I value your thoughts, words, and stories.  I see these socks as one of the few tangible expressions of our support that we have of each other.  And I will cherish these socks... and wear them every chance I get! 

Thanks Nancy!

Riding The Bench (Blame It On the Olympics)

Good Morning Humble Readers...

As the ol' witch (that would be AF) is packing her bags, and I'm still buzzing from the Canadian women's hockey team's gold medal win last night, I can say that the dark cloud that decended almost two weeks ago is starting to break up and the sun in shining through again. 

Literally, and figuratively.

And it's so much easier to be a happy hobbit when the sun is shining. 

So, this morning when I read Minta's post about feeling guilty about celebrating her pregnancy (and about bemoaning the physically difficult and painful aspects of it), I couldn't help but have a bit of a grin on my face. 

Before I continue, I should reiterate that this hobbit hasn't ever really been one for team sports, and I certainly could live the rest of my life and never watch another NHL, CFL, or NBA game on tv ever again.  I love the olympics, but once every four years is plenty for me. 

All that said, I couldn't help it when a very bad sports metaphor came to mind as I read Minta's post. 

We're a team.  All of us IFers, and our irl support networks.  We work together, sharing information and support, caring for each other when we fall, and striving towards our shared prize, building our families. 

We all want that chance to play in the big game, to have our time on the field/ice, to have a chance to score that big goal... of bringing a baby into our lives.

But we all don't get to play at the same time. 

Some of us are stuck riding the bench for longer than others.  Yes, we can get frustrated when we feel we've been waiting for our turn for a long time, BUT that doesn't change the fact that we are still cheering on those who are getting to play.

The only thing that makes riding this bench bearable is seeing fellow IFers playing their hearts out and succeeding... getting that prize.  The prize that I know they long for just as much as me. 

So, to my teammates, my fellow journey-ers on this ever lengthening road, please, when you get the chance to play... PLAY!  Enjoy yourselves!  And if you twist an ankle or get checked into the boards (lame metaphors, sorry), it's okay to moan, it's okay to take some time to nurse your wounds.  I'll even offer you a virtual ice pack, and help you back to your feet.

And listen for the sounds of us, still on the bench, cheering you on!  When you score that goal, we'll all come running, clearing the bench to hoist you on our shoulders, celebrating your victory. 

(told you it was a terrible metaphor)

Creme de la Creme 2009

Hey Humble Readers! I hope you are all well and that the November greyness isn't getting you down!

Soooooo, do you see that groovy button over on the right? The one with the milk bottle? That's the one... Let me tell you about it.

Every year, the ALI goddess Mel, opens the Creme list for everyone to shamelessly self promote. Which of your posts from the past year do you think is the best? The one you would be heartbroken over if it was gone forever? Which post do you wish everyone would have read? Which post are you most proud of?

This isn't a time to be modest! Mel is giving you permission to toot your own horn, and so am I! We are all writers here, and sometimes our most powerful words get missed because our regular readers are having a busy day and don't get a chance to read them.

Any ALI blogger is invited to participate... even if you just opened your blog yesterday. You don't have to be a regular ICLW-er, Bingo-er, Show & Tell-er, or even a regular reader of any one particular blog.

Your voice deserves to be heard, and your story needs to be told! And only you can submit something from your blog.

Click on the milk bottle, and read about how you can submit your best post of 2009! The list will be posted on January 1, 2010. Submissions will be accepted until March 1, 2010. Mel's shooting for 300+ listings, but preferably one from everyone on the blogroll (more than 2000)!

So, come on! Go through your archive... find your best... we want to read it! And for those of you who I read regularly, prepare yourselves... I'm going to be pestering you!