At work today, I was filling out one of our numerous forms (everything in triplicate!) and when I wrote the date I felt like a ton of bricks hit me.
If my first miscarriage hadn't happened, I would be on mat leave now. I had planned to only work until the end of February, leaving the month of March to prepare for my April 1st due date. Talk about a kick in the gut. I just had to sit there for a few minutes, and pray that none of my staff walked into the office as I tried to power-blink the tears away.
It really is incredible how grief can sneak up on you. Here I thought I was doing ok...
Then, after lunch today, the staff member who recently announced her pregnancy just mentioned that while she's not entirely sure when she's due, she is pretty confident that it will be mid-August. After a mental 'huh...' I was able to make the appropriate comments about how hot she's going to be, etc. All the things that I had mentioned to my beloved when we first discovered that our second pregnancy was due on August 18th.
When I woke up this morning I wasn't feeling especially sad. I'm not even really all that sad right now. Maybe I can chalk it up to hormones and blame it on AF...
Showing posts with label moving on. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moving on. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Milestones
mile·stone
n.
|
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright © 2006 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
(Thank you Dictionary.com)
When I look back at where I was a month and a half ago, I can tell I have made some progress on the road to healing. I don't cry at the drop of a hat. When I wake up my first thought isn't of our loss, but instead with "where the heck is that dang thermometer?".
Today marks three very important milestones... turning points... important events in my life. They may seem small to most, but as a woman trying to move forward after two miscarriages I have come to learn that small steps are very important.
First... today when I stepped on the scale I was able to smile. A particular number had changed. The first number. It was one less. I know I still have a long long way to go, but I celebrated anyway. That number is one that I don't ever want to see on my scale again. EVER!
Second... my beloved and I cleaned out the spare bedroom. It has been long overdue, but it was something that needed to be done. I know that I had been putting it off because I would have to face that we weren't turning it into a nursery. I also knew that there were the few baby things we had purchased that I just wasn't really ready to deal with yet. The room is now mostly clean (there are still a few things to be organized, but they will be dealt with in time) and I feel ok about knowing that the car seat, play pen, stuffed elephants, and formula samples are there when I will need them. And I will need them eventually.
Third, and probably the most silly of all... I was able to watch a full episode of "Bringing Home Baby" today without turning into a puddle of weeping mess. For the last few weeks, I had carefully avoided TLC when I knew those shows were on. Today, I just had a feeling that I would be able to handle it, and I did! Yeah, I had a few tears, but then I would always get a little teary when watching those shows. They weren't tears of grief or jealousy, they were just normal, hormonal, female-tenderhearted tears. And it felt good.
I have found myself taking a lot of deep breaths today, as if I can finally breathe again (stuffed up sinuses notwithstanding). I feel just a little bit more normal today.
Copyright © 2006 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
(Thank you Dictionary.com)
When I look back at where I was a month and a half ago, I can tell I have made some progress on the road to healing. I don't cry at the drop of a hat. When I wake up my first thought isn't of our loss, but instead with "where the heck is that dang thermometer?".
Today marks three very important milestones... turning points... important events in my life. They may seem small to most, but as a woman trying to move forward after two miscarriages I have come to learn that small steps are very important.
First... today when I stepped on the scale I was able to smile. A particular number had changed. The first number. It was one less. I know I still have a long long way to go, but I celebrated anyway. That number is one that I don't ever want to see on my scale again. EVER!
Second... my beloved and I cleaned out the spare bedroom. It has been long overdue, but it was something that needed to be done. I know that I had been putting it off because I would have to face that we weren't turning it into a nursery. I also knew that there were the few baby things we had purchased that I just wasn't really ready to deal with yet. The room is now mostly clean (there are still a few things to be organized, but they will be dealt with in time) and I feel ok about knowing that the car seat, play pen, stuffed elephants, and formula samples are there when I will need them. And I will need them eventually.
Third, and probably the most silly of all... I was able to watch a full episode of "Bringing Home Baby" today without turning into a puddle of weeping mess. For the last few weeks, I had carefully avoided TLC when I knew those shows were on. Today, I just had a feeling that I would be able to handle it, and I did! Yeah, I had a few tears, but then I would always get a little teary when watching those shows. They weren't tears of grief or jealousy, they were just normal, hormonal, female-tenderhearted tears. And it felt good.
I have found myself taking a lot of deep breaths today, as if I can finally breathe again (stuffed up sinuses notwithstanding). I feel just a little bit more normal today.
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